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J HUMOROUS 



TTCJMESPUN DIALOGUES 

Original Comic Dialogues 
for Older Ones 



BY 

WILLIS N. BUGBEE 

AUTHOR OF 

■Uvel^ Dialogues," "Merry Little Dmlogues," "The Pike- 

vUle Centen,uaV' "The Rocky Ridge Vaudeville Show" 

Lncte Ephraim's Summer Boarders," etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



I HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 



'n V' 



COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY EBEN H. NORMS. 



LC Control Number 




tmp96 031016 



€.0^3 5 7 04 1 



WW:- 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 



CONTENTS 



)cAt the Ticket Office (3 M., 5 F. for speaking parts and 

any number of supers) , 7 

Back to the Land (3 M, 3 F.) 12 

Beauty Doctor, The (1 M., 5 F.) 18 

Burglars and Ghosts (2 M., 3 F.) 26 

Exciting Time, An (2 M., 2 F.) 31 

History and Gossip (3 M., 2 F.) 35 

In Father Time's Office (2 M., 2 or more F., for leading 

parts and any number of children) 42 

Lawn Party, The (6 M., 1 F. for speaking parts, others 

being required for songs, etc.) 48 

New Camera, The (4 M, 2 F.) 57 

New Hired Man, The (4 M.) 64 

Painting a Chair (3 M., 1 F.) 67 

Pat's Letter (1 M., 1 R) 71 

Reading "The Weekly Banner" (1 M., 2 F.) 75 

Roses and Romances (2 M., 2 F.) 82 

Society in Spicerville (1 M., 1 F.) 87 

Tailor-Made Suit, The (2 M., 2 F.) 93 

Thanksgiving Dinner, The (6 M., 4 F.) 98 

Too Many Bosses (3 M., 2 F.) 104 

-Uncle Hiram's Cold (3 M., 4 F.) 109 

Uncle Jonas' Whiskers (4 M., 1 F.) 114 

What Became of the False Teeth (2 M., 2 F.) 118 

Why the Mission Failed (5 M., 3 F.) 121 

(M., Male. F., Female.) 



r 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 



A DOZEN DONT'S REGARDING THE PRE- 
SENTATION OF DIALOGUES. 



Don't select a dialogue or play without first consid- 
ering whether your would-be performers have the 
ability to present it in a creditable manner. 

Don't assign important parts to those who cannot or 
will not attend all rehearsals, or to those who are 
extremely timid on the stage. 

Don't give an old man part to one who can do straight 
work better, or a Negro part to one who is a natural 
Irish comedian; in other words, assign the parts to 
fit the players. 

Don't attempt to direct or coach a dialogue until you 
have studied it carefully and understand, yourself, 
just how it should be presented — what expressions 
and gestures are needed to make it most effective. 

Don't stop rehearsing until every line is thoroughly 
memorized and every detail has been mastered. The 
first meeting should be for a reading of the play, 
the last one should be a full dress rehearsal. 

Don't think that the memorizing and reciting of the 
words alone will make your dialogue a success. 
There are many expressions, gestures, movements, 
etc., that are not given in the text, but are almost as 
essential as the words themselves. 

Don't allow unnecessary interruptions during re- 
hearsals. Insist that all laughing, talking, joking, 
etc., be postponed until the rehearsal is over. 

Don't allow mumbling. Require that each and every 
one speak loud enough to be heard distinctly in all 
parts of the building. 



6 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Don't be discouraged if the first few rehearsals do 
not seem to bring the results you expect. It takes 
considerable time and a great deal of patience be- 
fore you may hope to attain the degree of perfec- 
tion you desire. 

Don't fail to have all accessories (costumes, proper- 
ties, etc.) on hand ^i just the proper time and 
proper place. A failure to do so may spoil the 
whole performance. 

Don't depend too much on the prompter. Although 
he is quite necessary to a well conducted entertain- 
ment, yet the least he has to do apparently, the 
more successful the performance. 

Don't trust to luck unless hard work goes with it. If 
you have assigned the parts wisely, drilled thor- 
oughly, and attended to all the little details of the 
play, your success is reasonably assured. 



A few of the dialogues in this book admit of song, 
dance, musical or other specialties, as in "The Lawn 
Party," "The Beauty Doctor," "Reading The Weekly 
Banner," etc. 

A few of them also depend very largely upon the 
"make-up." This may be accomplished with the sim- 
ple materials obtainable in your own town. If pre- 
pared powders, ready-made beards, etc., are desired 
they may be obtained of the publishers of this book. 

Only a few common tunes are called for in connec- 
tion with these dialogues. These may be found in 
"College Songs" {price 50 cents), which will be sent 
postpaid by the publishers of this book on receipt of 
price. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES 



AT THE TICKET OFFICE. 

characters. 

Uncle Hiram. Aunt Martha. 

Elder Mason. ^ Miss Blye. 
Ticket Seller. Miss Emmons. 

Mrs. Bumpus. Mrs. 'Rastus Johnson. 

Any member of ticket buyers. 

Scene: A ticket office of theater. For the ticket 
seller an ordinary desk with a framework of wire 
netting arranged at the top. A small opening should 
be cut in this through which to pass tickets and money. 
A card hangs at desk bearing the word ''Closed.'" 
One or two people may stand at the desk waiting. 

Enter Miss Blye and Miss Emmons and take 
places in line. 

Miss B. My! We're awful early. The ticket office 
hasn't opened yet. 

Miss E. {looking at watch). It only lacks two min- 
utes. I guess we'd better wait, hadn't we ? 

Miss B. Why, of course. Then we'll be almost the 
first ones. We'll have a good choice of seats. 

Miss E. I want to get just as near the front as 
possible. Last time I got so far back I could hardly 
hear what was said on the stage. 

Miss B. Well, I'm always pretty lucky getting a 
good seat — but just look! See what's coming. Doesn't 
it make you think of verdant fields and country lanes? 

Miss E. My ! Aren't they specimens of rustic sim- 
plicity? I can almost breathe the pure country air. 

7 



8 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Enter Uncle Hiram and Aunt Martha. Both 
are dressed in very old-fashioned clothing. He car- 
ries umbrella tied up with string. 

Uncle H. Wal, by jingo, here we be, Martha. I 
guess this is the place all right. 

Aunt M. Wal, if ye ain't sure 'bout it, ye'd better 
ask somebody. 

Uncle H. (to young ladies) . Is this the place where 
you buy tickets for the the-ay-ter? 

Miss B. Yes, the ticket office will be open in a 
short time. * 

Miss E. But you will have to step into line and 
wait your turn. (They take places behind Miss B. 
and Miss E.) 

Uncle H. Ye see, young ladies, this is the fust 
time we've ever been to a the-aj^-ter, an' we ain't quite 
got the hang of the thing yet. 

Miss B. We suspected as much. 

Uncle H. Oh, ye did, eh? Thought we looked 
kinder green, did ye? 

Aunt M. We wouldn't have come this time, I 
don't s'pose, if't hadn't been for our son Albert. He 
was bound an' detarmined we'd come to the the-ay-ter 
'fore we went back to Squashville. 

Uncle H. Said thar was goin' to be a fust-class 
show this week but I forgot what he called it. Mebbe 
one of you ladies know what 'tis. 

Miss E. Why, of course. It's ''Romeo and Ju- 
liet." 

Uncle H. Oh, yes; now I recollect. 

During preceding conversation Mrs. Bumpus, a 
very fleshy lady, enters and takes place behind Uncle 
H. Two or three others may enter at various times 
and join the line. 

Aunt M. I dunno's we'd oughter come arter all. 
I'd awfully hate to have some of the folks in our 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 9 

church hear that we'd been to the tht-ay-ter, 'specially 
Elder Mason, He's so set against dancin' an' sech 
things. 

Uncle H. I don't calc'late Elder Mason nor any 
the rest of 'em are goin' to know it — not by my tellin' 
anyway. 

Mrs. Bumpus. My land sakes ! Look out how you 
swing that old umbrella about. You most punched me 
in the eye with it. 

Miss B. Dear me ! I wish they'd hurry up and open 
that ticket office. I'm getting tired waiting. 

Miss E. So am I. Seems as if we had been here 
ten minutes already. 

Enter Mrs. 'Rastus Johnson. 

Aunt M. Look, Hiram, there's a darky woman 
comin' ? 

Uncle H. I s'pose likely she's goin' up into Nigger 
Heaven," as Albert tells about. 

Mrs. B. Good land, mister, you most squshed my 
toe. 

Uncle H. {looking at her feet). Wal, gee whilli- 
kers! How d'ye s'pose I'm goin' to help steppin' on 
'em. 

Mrs. B. You might stand still for a little while 
and not be gawping around so much. {The ticket win- 
dow is opened. Ticket seller appears behind it.) 

Miss B. There! The window is open. I am so 
glad. 

Ticket Seller. Everybody get your tickets now. 
{The line advances, each one calling for ticket at win- 
dozv, handing money to agent and receiznng ticket and 
sometimes change in return. All pass off at R. The 
remarks may vary, as, ''One for the balcony,'' ''One 
for the center aisle/' etc. It is not necessary, how- 
ever, for all to be heard except where the conversation 
forms part of play, or during a lull.) 

Miss B. {at zvindow). Where shall we get them 
for, Maggie, balcony or orchestra circle? 



10 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Miss E. I think Td rather have them on the main 
floor well toward the front. 

Miss B. We'll take two tickets, please, for D or 
E, center aisle. {They receive tickets and exeunt R.) 

Uncle H. Give me a couple of them tickets, mister. 

Ticket Seller. Where do you want them 'for? 

Uncle H. For this here the-a3;-ter, of course. 
Where in tunket d'ye s'pose we want 'em for? 

Ticket Seller. What part of the house do you 
want to sit in? 

Uncle H. I dunno nuthin' 'bout the inside ar- 
rangement of this here buildin'. Ye see its's the fust 
time weVe ever been here. We want the best seats 
ye've got. 

Ticket Seller. They'll cost you a dollar apiece. 

Uncle H. Gee whillikers. What d'ye think of that, 
Martha — dollar apiece. 

Aunt M. My land! Ain't that an awful price? 
Say, mister, they never charge more'n ten cents down 
to Squashville for the very best seats. 

Ticket Seller. Well, this ain't Squashville, nor 
Pumpkinville, either. 

Uncle H. That's most as much as two bushels of 
potatoes are wuth. 

Ticket Seller. I can give you cheaper ones if 
you want. 

Mrs. Johnson. Fo' de Ian' sakes! Hab we gotter 
wait hyah all day? Ain't yo' nebber gwine buy dem 
tickets ? 

Gentlemen {in rear). Hustle up, uncle. Give the 
rest of us a chance. 

Enter Elder Mason and takes place- in line. 

Uncle H. Wal, I guess we'll take them dollar 
tickets. 'Tain't likely we'll get here again in five or 
six years. {Hands money and receives tickets.) 

Aunt M. I do hope there won't anybody from 
Squashville see us goin' into this the-a3;-ter. {Looks 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 11 

around.) Wal, I declare, Hiram, jest look here. 
{Nudges him.) 

Unce H. What IS it, Martha? 

Aunt M. If thar ain't Elder Mason waitin' to 
buy a ticket, too. Did ye ever see the beat of that? 

Uncle H. \to Elder M.). Wal, wal, Elder, I 
didn't expect to see you here. 

Elder M. This is a great surprise to me, too, 
Brother Boggs. I — I — really — didn't expect to see you 
here, either. 

Uncle H. Ho! ho! Looks 's if we was in the 
same boat, don't it? 

Elder M. You see this is one of Shakespeare's 
plays and I am s.o devoted to his writings that it just 
seemed as if I must come and hear it. 

Aunt M. And Albert was so set on our comin' 
that — wal, that's why we're here, but I don't ex- 
pect we'll ever get here again. 

Uncle H. Wal, thar hain't no use of makin' ex- 
cuses. We're here, an' that's all thar is to it. 

Elder M. Where are you going to sit, Brother 
Boggs? {Looks at IJ^ci.Y.'R.'s tickets.) If you'll wait 
a minute I'll try and get seats near by and we'll all 
sit together. (Elder M. steps to ticket window and 
gets ticket.) 

Aunt M. {to Uncle H.) There's one thing about 
it, Hiram, I don't feel near so guilty about comin' 
as I did 'fore I saw Elder Mason. {To Elder M.) 
Be ye ready? Let's hurry or we'll be late. {Exeunt 
R.) 

Curtain. 



12 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 



BACK TO THE LAND. 

characters. 
Mr. Jones. Mrs. Jones. 

Bob Jones. Susie Jones. 

Farmer Stebbins. Bridget. 

Scene I : Sitting-room at the Jones' home in mid- 
winter, 

Mr. and Mrs. Jones^ Bob and Susie are discovered, 

Mr. J. Well, Jane, I signed the lease today for 
our new summer home. 

Mrs. J. Did you, really? I am so glad. Now we 
can begin to make plans for a most delightful season. 

Susie. Goody! Now Mabel Ross can't brag over 
me any more, just 'cause her folks go to the country 
and we don't. 

Bob. Neither can Harold Banks brag over me. 

Mrs. J. I hope it will prove to be as nice a place 
as Mr. Hooper has described it. What did you think 
of it. 

Mr. J. To tell the truth, I couldn't see much of it. 
The snowbanks were about six feet high all around 
it. One thing certain, it isn't more than a block from 
the suburban trolley line. 

Mrs. J. How convenient that will be for you to 
get back and forth from the city. 

Mr. J. Yes, and there's a beautiful little lake but 
a short distance away and in full view from the front 
porch. It didn'^t look so very beautiful today, but I 
imagine it will in summer. 

Bob. Gee ! I can go boat riding every day. That'll 
suit me. 

Susie. I guess you can take me once in a while. 

Bob. Shucks ! You'd be a regular 'f raid cat on the 
water. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 13 

Susie. No, I wouldn't, either. 

Mr. J. Besides, there's a garden and a barn con- 
nected with the place. 

Bob. Oh, jiminy! I wish we could have a horse 
so's to ride horseback. 

Susie. And I wish we could have a cow and some 
chickens and a pig. 

Bob. Oh, ho, ho! A pig! 

Mrs. J. Will you hire some one to plant the gar- 
den, John? 

Mr. J. Hire some one? Not if I know it. That's 
where I'm going to spend my spare time this summer. 

Mrs. J. But you don't know anything about gar- 
dening. 

Mr. J. Well, I'd like to know if I don't. I was 
born and raised on a farm. 

Mrs. J. What kind of a farm? 

Mr. J. On a stock farm. 

Bob. Maybe I'll help you in the garden when T 
ain't boat riding on the lake. 

Mr. J. I intend to raise all our own vegetables. 
That will make up for a good part of our rent, be- 
sides I'll be getting plenty of outdoor exercise and 
fresh air. 

Mrs. J. Maybe you'll get exercise and fresh air 
but I doubt your raising many vegetables. 

Mr. J. Just wait and see. I brought home a seed 
catalogue to make a selection of seeds from. {Takes 
seed catalogue from pocket. Children sit on floor 
and look over the pictures.) 

Susie. Oh, my, ain't that pretty! 

Bob. Oh, say, pa, I want you to raise some toma- 
toes and sauer kraut and onions. 

Susie. And I want some green peas and maca- 
roni. 

Bob. Then you'll have to have cheese to go with it. 

Susie. Cheese don't grow on plants, you goosey. 
They get it from cows. Say, pa, what kind of plant 
does maraconi grow on? 



14 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mr. J. It comes from Italy, Susie. I don't know 
anything about foreign plants. 

Mrs. J. rd like a little of the garden for flowers. 

Mr. J. I guess we can spare part of it for you if 
you don't want too much. 

Mrs. J. I want enough to raise some sweet peas 
and asters and nasturtiums and petunias and verbenas 
— yes, and some marigolds and poppies and — 

Mr. J. Great Scott! The garden won't be big 
enough. 

Bob. Oh, say, pa, are we going to keep chickens? 

Mr. J. It's just as your ma says. 

Bob. 'Cause if we don't it tells here about egg 
plants, and if we raise them we could have all the 
fresh eggs we wanted. 

Susie. And If we raised honeysuckles we could 
raise all the honey we wanted. 

Bob. And if we don't keep a cow we might raise 
milkweed so's we could have plenty of milk. 

Susie. And buttercups to make butter of. 

Mrs. J. Mercy sakes ! What are you children talk- 
ing about? Have you gone crazy? 

Bob. Well, everybody that spends the summer in 
the country has plenty of fresh eggs and milk and 
chickens, don't they? 

Mr. J. The ''lure of the country'' has seized them, 
Jane. They can't help it. I guess we're all afflicted 
more or less that way. 

Mrs. J. When does our lease begin? 

Mr. J. The first of May and runs until the first of 
November — six months of rustic quietude and bliss. 

Mrs. J. That gives us — let me see — two months 
and a half to plan for it, and I think we'll need it. It's 
going to be such a new experience. 

Bob. O, gee! I wish we could go right now. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 15 

Enter Bridget. 

Bridget. Dinner's all ready, mum. {Children 
rush out.) 

Mrs. J. Yes, Bridget, we're coming. {Exeunt.) 

Curtain. 

Scene II: Dooryard of a dilapidated country 
place on the first of May. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Bridget and children, 
with baskets, suit cases, fish poles, etc. 

Susie. Oh, ma, is this the place we're going to 
live in? 

Bob. Jiminy crickets ! Tain't so good as the house 
Johnny Flynn lives in. 

Mrs. J. Do you mean to say that this is the place 
youVe leased for the summer, John? The place that 
Mr. Hooper described as such a beautiful spot? 

Mr. J. I don't see how there can be any mistake 
about it. It's the first house on the left from the trol- 
ley crossing and that's just what this is. I'll admit, 
though, that it's a ramshackle old place. It didn't look 
as bad as this last winter. 

Bridget. It's a worse shanty than ony in Hooli- 
gan's flats, so it be. 

Mrs. J. Just see! The shingles are half off and it 
doesn't look as if it had ever been painted. It makes 
me just sick to think about it. 

Mr. J. The man agreed to have the goods here 
to furnish it with by the time we arrived, but I don't 
see any signs of them yet. 

Bob (returning from an exploring trip with Susie). 
Pa, I thought you said there was a barn. There ain't 
nothing around there but a chicken coop. 

Mrs. J. Well, I must say I am terribly disap- 
pointed. I wish I could go right back to the city and 
stay there. 

Bob. Oh, see the old codger coming up the road. 



16 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Enter Farmer Stebbins. 

Mr. S. Howdy do, folks. Out for a leetle picnic? 

Mr. J. No, we've come to take possession of this 
house. We've rented it for the summer. 

Mr. S. Ye don't say ye've rented it to live in? 

Mr. J. Yes, but it doesn't seem to be just what 
we thought it was. 

Mr. S. Wal, I should say not. I swan, I didn't 
calc'late anybody'd ever live in this old shanty agin. 
Why, mister, thar hain't nobody lived here in ten 
years — not since art old darky by the name of 'Rastus 
Freeman lived here. 

Mrs. J. Oh, horrors! A colored man lived here? 

Mr. S. Yes, ma'am, but he had to move out 'cause 
it leaked so bad he couldn't stand it, an' the plasterin' 
was all droppin' off. 'Tain't been fixed up none since, 
either. 

Mrs. J. Oh, John, why didn't you find out about 
all this before. The idea of renting such a bare, tum- 
ble-down place as this. Why, there isn't even a porch. 

Mr. S. Thar used to be one but the posts rotted 
so they had to tear it down. 

Mrs. J. And not a sign of a shade tree near it. 

Mr. S. Hain't a tree on the place 'ceptin' a crab 
apple tree back of the house. 

Susie. Oh, dear. I v/as in hopes there'd be a 
watermelon tree or a pumpkin tree. (Mr. S. laughs 
heartily.) 

Bob. You said there was a lake around some- 
where, pa. 

Mr. S. Hain't nothin' but a frog pond over yon- 
der {points), and that dries up every summer. 

Bridget. Begorra, yez might betther be livin' in a 
tint than sich a haythenish affair as the loikes uv this. 

Mr. J. You are right, Bridget, a tent would be 
better. I shall see Mr. Hooper at once and find out 
what he means by such trickery. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 17 

Mr. S. Mr. Hooper? 

Mr. J. Yes, the man that owns the place. 

Mr. S. Mr. Hooper never owned this place since 
I've lived in this neighborhood an' that's ever since I 
was born. Jim Preston owns this property. A man 
by the name of Silas Hooper used to live about two 
miles below here. 

Mr. J. What? Isn't this Jackson's Crossing? 

Mr. S. Jackson's Crossin' is the second stop be- 
yond. This is Piper's Crossin'. 

Mrs. J. Oh, then we've made a mistake, John. 

Bob. Maybe we'll discover that lake yet. 

Susie. And them pumpkin trees. 

Mr. J. We are very much t)bliged to you for the 
information, sir. 

Mr. S. Thar hain't no charges. {Looks at watch.) 
Now ye've got jist about two minutes to catch that 
next car 'cordin' to my figurin'. 

Bridget. It's bad luck we're havin', but we'll come 
out all right in the ind. {All hurry from stage,) 

Curtain. 



18 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 



THE BEAUTY DOCTOR. 

CHARACTERS. 

Madge Brooks^ a beauty specialist, 

Katie^ her attendant. 

Miss Gray^ a would-be actress. 

Mrs. Bumpus, very fleshy. 

Patrick McGee. 

Mrs. Patrick McGee. 
// played by a girls' club Pat^s part may be assumed 
by a lady. 

The faces of all characters require considerable 
making up. Madge should appear as attractive as 
possible, and Katie as a comely Irish girl. Miss 
Gray's face should be thickly dotted with brown face 
paint or lining color to indicate freckles. Mrs. Bum- 
pus has a very red face and well padded form, an 
extra large dress being required. Mr. and Mrs. 
McGee are made up to represent an old Irish couple 
zvhose faces indicate a life of hard labor and pri- 
vation. 

Scene: The oiRce of Madge Brooks. A card 
hangs on the rear wall with the announcement: 

MADAME BROOKS 

Beauty Specialist 

Office hours, 10 to 5. 

A table with numerous bottles {fancy), several 
chairs and a vibrator constitute the furnishings. The 
latter consists of a metallic ball attached to end of a 
long cord, the other end of cord being fastened to 
wall. 

Madge discovered busy at desk. 

Madge. My friend, Jennie Brown, told me the 
truth when she wrote me that I ought to do a rat- 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 19 

tling business here in my new profession of beauty 
specialist. I don't think I ever saw so many homely 
people congregated together in one village as there 
are in this one. - I should think some of them would 
find it a terrible burden to carry their faces around 
with them, or at any rate, they would have a fatal 
shock when they look in the glass. Why, it's the 
exception to the rule to meet one really handsome 
person on the streets. Some of them have fine fea- 
tures but their complexion is bad; others have a per- 
fect complexion but their features are horrible. If I 
can only get them to take treatments of me I can 
make very beautiful women out of some of them. I 
have hung out my shingle and done all I can to ad- 
vertise myself. Now I must get my remedies and 
appliances ready so if any do chance to come I shall 
be prepared for them. {Goes to L. and calls) Katie! 
Katie {outside). Yis, mum. 

Enter Katie, L. 

Madge. It is nearly ten o'clock, Katie. We must 
have everything in ship shape order by the time my 
patients arrive. {She is busy with bottles, etc) 

Katie. Do yez be afther expectin' some wan here 
this mornin', mum? 

Madge. I am not sure about it, but I hope so. 
There's need enough of their coming. YouVe fin- 
ished dusting the furniture, haven't you? 

Katie. Yis, mum. 

Madge. And are quite sure you know how to run 
the electric massage now? 

Katie. Indade, mum, its as simple as a, b, c. 

Madge. Because I may ask you to help me with 
it if business is rushing. {Bell rings.) There's some- 
one coming now. (Katie goes to door,) 

Enter Miss Gray. 
Miss G. Is this Madame Brooks'? 
Madge. It is. What can I do for you? 



20 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Miss G. Well, I'll tell you, Madame. My name 
is Miss Gray, and you see Fm very anxious to go 
upon the stage, in fact Fm just dying to become 
an actress. Everybody tells me, however, that beauty 
is one of the first qualifications to be considered. 
Now, I realize that I am far from being beautiful, 
so I have come to you for advice. What is your opin- 
ion? 

Katie {aside). Begorra, I never did see so mony 
freckles on one person's face in me loife. They're as 
thick as the fleas on the back uv a dog. 

Madge. Your complexion is very bad indeed, but 
with my wonderful lotion and other preparations 
your face can be made quite attractive. 

Miss G. Oh, I am so glad. Now I can have my 
heart's desire— to become an actress, I should like to 
begin treatment just as soon as possible. 

Madge. Very well. Then you must follow my di- 
rections very carefully. {Takes bottle from table.) 
This is my *'Lily White Face Lotion." You must sat- 
urate some cotton with this and bind upon your face 
at bed time, leaving it on over night. In the morning 
you will notice an improvement. After a few applica- 
tions your freckles w^ill all be gone and your face as 
clear and fair as an Easter lily. {Hands bottle to 
Miss G.) 

Miss G. My! Won't that be delightful! 

Madge. But that isn't all. You must bathe at 
least once a day. 

Miss G. I don't mind that. I could live in the 
water — like a fish. 

Madge. You must also take plenty of exercise. 

Miss G. My new contortion dance will be just the 
thing for that. 

Madge. And above all, you must not eat pickles. 

Miss G. Not eat pickles? Why, madame, I don't 
know how I can live without pickles. Sometimes they 
are all I eat for dinner. 



HUMOROUS HOMESFUX DIALOGUES, 21 

Madge. Well, if you really desire to become beau- 
tiful, you must abstain from their use. 

Miss G. I will do my best to get along without 
them. Is that. all, Madame? 

Madge. That is all now. I shall want you to call 
again in a week. 

Miss G. What are your charges? 

Madge. My fee is ten dollars for the first treat- 
ment and two dollars apiece after that. 

Miss G. Here is your money. {Hands hill to 
Madge.) Now perhaps you would like to hear my 
new song. 

Madge. Oh, you needn't go to the trouble, thank 
you. 

Miss G. It's no trouble at all. I shall be more 
than delighted to sing for you. {She may sing some 
popular song, introducing dance steps if desired.) 

Madge. That's very nice, I'm sure. 

Katie. Shure an' it has a phonograph bate to a 
frazzle. 

Miss G. Shall I sing another stanza? 

Madge. I am sorry, but my time is too limited. 
We'll wait until your next visit. 

Katie. There's another lady waitin'. Shall I show 
her in, mum? 

Madge. Yes, show her in at once. (Katie opens 
door and beckons to some one outside.) Good-bye, 
Miss Gray. {Exit Miss G.) 

Enter Mrs. Bumpus. 

Mrs. B. I've come to see if you can't reduce my 
weight in some way. My husband says if I don't get 
rid of some of my avoirdupois before long, he's going 
to get a divorce. I've tried everything that I can 
think of, but nothing seems to do any good. Just at 
present I am dieting — eating nothing but a slice of 
toast at each meal, and yet I grow fatter and fatter 
every day. 



22 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Madge. Your case is a very simple one. What you 
need most is exercise, or physical culture. 

Mrs. B. Exercise? Dear me. I think I have exer- 
cise enough already. I do all my own housework 
including washing and ironing and dressmaking and 
taking care of my seven children, besides looking after 
two boarders. What more can I do? 

Madge. You seem to have plenty of work, but it 
isn't what 'We call well regulated exercise. It lacks 
system. 

Mrs. B. You're a stranger, madame, and don't 
know me, but I have the reputation of being one of 
the best housekeepers in town. 

Madge. You misunderstand me. The exercises I 
refer to bring into action just those muscles that will 
reduce the weight and beautify the features. For in- 
stance, one of them is called the ''liver squeezer." I 
will show you how it goes, then we'll try it together. 
(Madge stands with arms at side, then bends the body 
forward at waist with arms still hanging downward. 
She then swings first to right and then to left, body 
still bent forward.) 

Mrs. B. {after watching Madge execute these 
movements). Mercy sakes! Do you expect me to do 
all that? Why, I haven't been able to bend over far 
enough to lace my own shoes in ten years. My hus- 
band always does it for me. 

Madge. You may not be able to do it very well at 
first, but you will get so you can do it after a while. 
Now let us do it together. Ready. {Both go through 
the movements as directed above. Mrs. B. makes 
ludicrous work of bending forward. Katie stands at 
rear and imitates all movements.) 

Katie {aside). Faith, an' she looks for all the 
world loike wan uv thim trick elephants I saw in the 
circus. 

Madge. That's doing first rate to begin with. I 
shall want you to devote at least ten minutes every 
morning and night to this kind of exercise. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 23 

Mrs. B. (panting). My! rm just about tuckered 
out now. 

Madge. You'll get used to it sooner than you im- 
agine. Just stick to it until you begin to grow thinner. 
Then another thing — you mustn't eat fats of any kind. 
At the end of the week come and see me again. 
(Bell rings.) 

Mrs. B. Well, good-bye. Til try it if it kills me, 
(Exit.) 

Katie. A couple of more patients, mum. They're 
beginnin' to come in two by two. 

Madge. I'm all ready for them, Katie. (Katie 
opens door.) 

Enter Patrick McGee. 

Pat. Is it yersilf is the beauty doctor? 

Madge. That is my profession. 

Pat. Well, thin, 'tis me ould woman I've brought 
to see if ye can't make her over as purty as she was 
the day I married her just twenty-foive years ago. 

Madge. That is a long time. A great many changes 
take place in twenty-five years. 

Pat. Yis, so they do. Whin we first shtarted 
kapin' house togither, Maggie an' mesilf, we was that 
poor we hadn't enough money to buy a pig, but we've 
raked an' scraped along till now we're purty well off 
and jist ready to take loife aisy. Nixt month w^e're 
^oin 'to celebrate our silver w^eddin', an', thinks I to 
mesilf, if I can jist give back to Maggie the beauty 
she's lost, wid her bright eyes an' rosy cheeks, 'twould 
be better than all the silver shpoons I could buy for 
her. Now as fer mesilf yez must admit that I've hung 
on to me youth an' beauty purty middlin' well. But 
wid Maggie it's diff'rent. Do yiz think ye can do ony- 
thing for her, mum? 

Madge. Bring her in and I'll see what I can do. I 
won't promise. 

Pat. Thot's right — niver promise till ye see the 
job. (Exit Pat.) 



24 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Madge. I wonder if he thinks I can perform 
miracles. 

Re-enter Pat, followed by his wife. 

Pat. Well, here's me ould woman, mum. Jist look 
her over an' make an istimate on the job. 

Madge. My! I never saw such home — I mean it 
will require a great deal of massaging to fill out her 
cheeks. It will need physical culture to brighten her 
eyes and change that sallow complexion. She will 
have to be careful about her diet for a spell and — 
my hair restorer will make her hair all right. 

Pat. Holy smoke! How much do all thim repairs 
cost ? 

Madge. Ten dollars for the first treatment and 
two dollars apiece for subsequent visits. 

Pat. That's rasonable enough considerin' the job. 
Procade to business at once. 

Madge. Then sit right here. 

Mrs. McG. Will it hurt loike pullin' a tooth ? 

Madge. There's no pain. It won't hurt you a par- 
ticle. 

Mrs. McG. Well, thin, I'll take a thry at it jist 
to plaze Pat. (Sits in chair.) 

Madge. All ready, turn on the current, Katie. 
(Katie steps into adjoining room, or turns an imi- 
tation button on the wall, a buzzing sound begins, and 
Madge passes vibrator over Mrs. McGee^s face. The 
buzzing noise may be produced by a boy outside with 
a toy watchman's rattle, or wood cricket. Pat and his 
wife both jump as buzzing begins.) 

Pat {looking about room). Holy saints! Pwhat's 
thot ? It sounds loike a buzz sawmill an' a planin' 
mill combined. {A pause while Madge works.) 

Mrs. McG. Do yez be afther thryin' to scrape oflf 
the rough edges? 

Madge. No, I'm trying to fill up the hollows. 

Pat. Thot's the quarest way to fill up the hollers 
I iver saw, by pressin' 'em down wid a shteam roller. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 25 

Madge. You may finish this, Katie, while I get 
the other things ready. (Katie operates the vibrator 
while Madge prepares lotions, etc.) 

Mrs. McG. Och, murther! Yez come near takin' 
the nose clane off me face. 

M.adge. That will do this time, Katie. 

Mrs. McG. (rising and rubbing nose). Och, me 
poor nose is most broke. 

Madge. Here is some lotion I want you to rub on 
your face every night, and here's some hair restorer 
to be used twice a week. The directions are on the 
bottle. (Hands bottles to Mrs. McG.) I want you to 
eat heartily of good substantial food, take some ex- 
ercise, especially in the morning, and plenty of rest 
through the day. 

Pat. Begorra, Tve a moind to thry wan uv thim 
tratements mesilf. 

Mrs. McG. Hisht, now, Pat, wid yer blarney. Jist 
hear the mon talkin' as if he were not as foine lookin' 
as the first day I sot eyes on him. 

Madge. That's all, now. Come again in a week. 

Pat (handing bills). Here's yer money an' 'tis a 
special invitation we do. be givin' ye to our silver 
weddin'. Good-bye, mum. (Exeunt.) 

Madge. Dear me! I'm tired out with my morning's 
work. I'm going to take a rest myself, now, and if 
anybody else comes in, Katie, tell them to call again 
after luncheon. (Exit.) 

Katie. Faith, 'tis a hard job, this makin' over 
old worn out faces into new ones. I belave I'll have 
to take a bit uv rist on me own account. This office 
will be open agin from two until four. (Exit.) 

Curtain. 



26 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 



BURGLARS AND GHOSTS. 

characters. 

Mr. Howard. Mrs. Howard. 

Henry Gray. Susie Howard. 

Bridget. 

Scene I : A sitting room. A clock or dial on wall 
indicates eleven o'clock. 

Susie and Henry are dis-covered sitting on sofa 
or settee. 

Mr. H. (outside), Susie! 

Susie (loudly). Yes, pa. 

Mr. H. (outside). It's time for you to say "Good- 
bye" and get to bed. 

Susie. Yes, Fm goin' pretty soon. (To Henry.) 
Dear me! Pa gets so fidgety if he hears anyone talk- 
ing after he goes to bed. I wish he'd get to sleep. 

Henry. He makes me think of a moving picture 
I saw last night. 

Susie. What? Did you go to a moving picture 
show and not take me? 

Henry. I only ran into the Happy Hour Theater 
for a few minutes with Bob Hines. 

Susie. Oh, then you didn't take another girl? 

Henry. Of course not. I never take any other 
girl but you. 

Susie. You're sure you never do? 

Henry. Just as sure as I'm sitting here. 

Susie. Because if you do I could never forgive 
you. 

Henry. Well, you'll forgive me for going with 
Bob, won't you? 

Susie. Why yes, of course. But do tell me about 
that picture. I'm just dying to know. 

Henry. Oh, well; you see it was about a young 
man that went to serenade a young lady under her 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 27 

window. I think it must have been pretty well along 
in the wee small hours. 

Susie. Oh, my! Wasn't that delightful! I wish it 
had been me. 

Henry. What? With me doing the serenading 
stunt ? 

Susie. Why not? Don't you think it would be 
lovely? 

Henry. I can't say that I'd fancy the job. Wait 
till you hear the end. 

Susie. Go on; I can't wait. 

Henry. Well, he came along as grand as you 
please, with his guitar under his arm and planted 
himself just about where he thought the beautiful 
strains would float up into her window. 

Susie. My! That was perfectly lovely. 

Henry. Wasn't it? Then he began to sing and 
play. I thought by his actions he must have had 
catarrh in the head. 

Susie. Te, he, he. Wasn't that funny. Catarrh in 
his head and a guitar under his arm. 

Henry. It looked that way, but maybe he didn't. 
At any rate he played there for about ten minutes. 

Susie. What did he play? But of course you 
couldn't tell in moving pictures. 

Henry. I thought by the way he fingered his 
guitar that he was playing ''Under the Silvery Stars, 
Love, I'm Dreaming Now of You." 

Susie. That was grand. I'd like to have heard it. 

Henry. I don't believe she heard a word of it. 

Susie. She must have been a sleepyhead. What 
did he do — keep on playing? 

Henry. Yes, until a window opened upstairs and 
some one acknowledged the compliment. 

Susie. Oh, was it she, and did she throw a bou- 
quet at him? How sweet of her. 

Henry. It wasn't a bouquet by Ibng odds. It was 
a pitcher full of water. 



28 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Susie. Why, what a mean thing she must have 
been. 

Henry. Oh, it wasn't she. You see he'd been play- 
ing all that time under her father's window. 

Susie. Why, the idea! How comical! Te, he, he! 

Mr. H. {outside). Susie! Susie! 

Susie. Yes, pa. 

Mr. H. Didn't I tell you to go to bed? 

Susie {loud). Yes, I'm going pretty soon. {To 
Henry.) I wish you could tell me about some of the 
others. I'm just crazy over moving pictures. 

Henry. There was one about a fellow that al- 
ways used to go to sleep whenever he started to do 
anything or went anywhere. 

Susie. I wish that had been pa. 

Henry. He was a bookkeeper and he used to go 
to sleep at his work every day. He went to sleep in 
the theater, and when he went to church, and one 
time he went to sleep when he was calling on his best 
girl. 

Susie. Te, he, he! What a funny fellow. 

Henry. It makes me feel sleepy ta think of it. 

Mr. H. {outside). Say, if you folks don't break 
away I'll be out there in a jiffy. 

Henry. Gee! Looks as if I'd have to say "Good- 
night," Susie, or else — 

Susie. Oh, say, Henry, let's go into the kitchen. 
We won't disturb anyone there. 

Henry. That's agreeable to me. I'll tell you some 
more about Mr. Sleepyhead. {Exeunt.) 

Curtain. 

Scene II: A, kitchen. The stage is in semi-dark- 

ness. A clock on wall indicates four o'clock. Henry 

and Susie are discovered sitting close together at the 

rear fast asleep, her head resting upon his shoulder. 

Enter Bridget, holding face in hand. 

Bridget. Faix, an' me tooth aches thot bad I can't 
get a wink uv shlape to save me soul. I think I'll be 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 29 

afther puttin' some pain killer on it. {She gets bottle 
from table and puts liquid on face and tooth.) If 
there's onything I hate it's the toothache. I'd rather 
have the shtomick ache or the backache or most ony 
other koind uv ache but the toothache. {Puts cork in 
bottle.) I think I'll sit me down a bit an' mebbe 'twill 
be aisier afther a while. {Sees Henry and Susie.) 
Holy Saints! It's burglars! {Runs out, dropping bot- 
tle and screaming.) Misther Howard! Come quick! 
There's burglars here. (Susie raises her head slightly 
and settles back to sleep again.) 

Enter Mr. Howard in night dress or pajamas, pink 
or zvhite stockings on feet, and hair tousled. He may 
carry gun in one hand and lighted lamp in the other. 

Mr. H. Who's out here, anyway? Hold up your 
hands, whoever you be, or I'll shoot. {Steps farther 
into room where he gets better view.) Well, great 
Scott! It's you two, is it? Haw! haw! haw! You're 
great burglars, you are. 

Mrs. H. {peeping in). What's the matter, pa? 

Bridget {outside). Have yez caught the burglars? 

Mr. H. There ain't no need to be afraid. Just 
come right out here and get a good squar look at your 
burglars. They won't hurt anyone. It's the richest 
joke I've seen in a good while. 

Enter Bridget and Mrs. H. 

Mrs. H. Why, it's Susie. 

Bridget. Yis, so it is, an' her beau. Begorra, 
they've fell ashlape a shparkin' at four o'clock in the 
mornin'. 

Susie {half asleep). And — did — he — go — to — sleep 
again — Henry? {All laugh.) O-o-o-oh! Henry! 
Henry! {Shakes him.) There's ghosts! Wake up, 
quick! Oh — why — is that you, pa? 

Mr. H. I should rather say it is. We're rather 
substantial ghosts. 

Henry {half asleep). Ye — yes, I'll be down to 
breakfast right away. 



30 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Bridget. Begorra, yez won't be afther gettin' ony 
breakfast in a couple uv hours yet. 

Henry {looking about in amazement). Why, where 
am I? 

Mr. H. Right where you left off last night ac- 
cording to appearances. You're a pretty fellow to 
come courting a girl and go to sleep on the job. Haw ! 
haw! haw! 

Henry. Well, I beg your pardon, Mr. Howard. 
I must be going. 

Mr. H. Don't tear yourself away, young man. 

Mrs. H. You might as well wait until breakfast 
now. 

Susie {pointing at Mr. H.-'s clothing). Why, pa, 
aren't you afraid of taking cold with nothing on but 
your stockings and — 

Mr. H. By George! I'd forgot all about my cos- 
tume. 

Mrs. H. Yes, you'd better go right back to bed, 
Henry. 

Mr. H. Well, we must leave you for awhile, but 
you might just as well finish the night out now you've 
got such a good start. 

Bridget, Well^ I'm glad it wasn't burglars, afther 
all, but me tooth has shtopped achin' entoirely. 
{Exeunt,) 

Henry. Ho ! ho ! ho ! I can sympathize with the 
fellow in the picture now, but I guess he'd play sec- 
ond fiddle to us. 

Susie. But you never told me whether he went to 
sleep again or not. 

Quick Curtain. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 31 



AN EXCITING TIME. 

characters. 
Mr. Wilkins. Mrs. Wilkins. 

Jenks, a coachman. Hannah, a servant. 

Scene : A sitting room. Various articles of wear- 
ing apparel, etc., are found upon table and chairs. A 
large traveling bag is on the floor at one side of room. 
Everything indicates the preparation for a trip. 

Mr. Wilkins is discovered without coat, vest, col- 
lar and tie, and is busy lacing his shoes. Mrs. Wil- 
kins is seated, waiting to give assistance. 

Mr. W. I wish you were going with me to the 
Firemen's Convention, Alice. 

Mrs. W. Well, I am glad that I am not. I haven't 
gotten over my trip to Uncle Henry's yet. 

Mr. W. Of course it's going to be quite a jaunt, 
I'll admit that; but after all it doesn't seem just right 
for me to go away like this and leave you at home. 

Mrs. W. Don't worry. I shall not be alone. Han- 
nah and Jenks will be here and I shall feel perfectly 
safe. 

Mr. W. There's no doubt of your safety. If I 
had the least fear of that I would not leave you. 

Mrs. W. As I have said, I wouH much rather 
stay at home this time, but I hope you will enjoy 
yourself even if I do not go. 

Mr. W. I shall put in my best licks for a good 
time, you may depend upon that. All the other fel- 
lows are counting on doing the same. 

Mrs. W. What time does your train leave, John? 

Mr. W. Half past ten. 

Mrs. W. Well, my sakes ! Do you realize that it's 
ten o'clock now? You'll have to hustle. 

Mr. W. I haven't much to do but put on my col- 
lar and tie {trying to button collar) and pack my 



32 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

bag. It will take me just about five minutes to do 
that. 

Mrs. W. Yes, in your way of packing it. You 
stand about ten feet away and toss things into it as if 
you were pitching quoits. 

Mr. W. I got into that habit before I was mar- 
ried. {Drops collar button and gets down on hands 
and knees to look for it,) Plague take that collar 
button. 

Mrs. W. ril get the bag ready and begin to pack 
it. {Gets traveling hag and opens it on table,) 

Mr. W. Better help me find this blamed collar 
button first. {She gets down on floor to search.) 

Mrs. W. Why, John, here it is right under your 
nose. {Hands it. to him. Both arise.) 

Mr. W. By George ! It does take a woman to find 
things, that's a fact. 

Enter Hannah. 

Hannah. Will I start making the pies. Missis? 

Mrs. W. No, you stay and help me get Mr. Wil- 
kins ready for that half past ten train. 

Mr. W. Are you sure this is my collar, Alice? 
It feels about two sizes too small. 

Mrs. W. I know it's yours. Let me button it for 
you. Hannah, you may go and get his white shirt 
from the top bureau drawer. {Exit Hannah. Mrs. 
W. buttons collar. Mr. W. moves head about as if 
very uncomfortable.) There! It's easy enough to but- 
ton, I'm sure. 

Mr. W. {feeiing edge of collar and making wry 
face). I wish you'd get a file an-d see if you can't 
smooth off these top edges a little. 

Enter Hannah. 

Hannah. Is this the one, Missis? {Holds up com- 
mon work shirt or one with extravagant pattern.) 

Mrs. W. Mercy, no! That's one of Jenks' shirts. 
I said a white shirt from the top drawer. There isn't 
any other kind in that drawer. {Exit Hannah. Mrs. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. ZZ 

W. assists Mr. W. with tie.) There! You look quite 
respectable about the neck. 

Mr. W. {still acting as if collar were uncomfort- 
able). Do I? Must look a blamed sight better than 
I feel. However, it's one obstacle surmounted — a vic- 
tory won. 

Mrs. W. You haven't brushed your shoes yet. 
(Mrs. W. proceeds to pack dress suit in bag.) 

Mr. W. I meant to have Jenks attend to my shoes 
this morning. {Gets brush and proceeds to polish 
shoes.) 

Mrs. W. You'll have to hurry up if you're going 
to catch that train. 

Mr. W. Now don't get excited, Alice. There's 
plenty of time. It's only — {looking for watch). 
Where's my watch gone? 

Mrs. W. You left it upstairs. 

Enter Hannah with white shirt. 

Mrs. W. Hannah, go and get Mr. Wilkins' watch 
from the dresser. (Hannah starts to go.) 

Mr. W. And say, Hannah, bring those two pack- 
ages from the dresser, too. {Exit Hannah.) I 
bought a box of cigars and another pair of gloves 
to take with me. 

Mrs. W. Well, do hurry, John, and don't talk so 
much, or you certainly will be late. (Mr. W. brushes 
vigorously. Mrs. W. folds shirt and packs it care- 
fully in bag.) 

Enter Hannah with watch and packages. Hands 
watch ^6>.Mr. W. and puts packages in bag. 

Mrs. W. Now, Hannah, go and see if Jenks has 
the horse and carriage ready, while I go and get some 
extra handkerchiefs. {Exit Mrs. W. R. and Hannah 
L.) 

Mr. W. {straightening up). There! I guess those 
will go all right. I've spent all the energy I can on 
them. {Tosses brush into bag.) What would a man 
do without a woman to look after him and get him 



34 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES, 



ready to go anywhere? {Looks at watch,) Great 
Scott! It lacks only ten minutes of train time now. 
{Puts on coat and vest,) 

Enter Mrs. W. with pajamas, handkerchiefs , neck- 
ties, etc. 

Mrs. W. {taking blacking brush from bag). Why, 
John, you've thrown the blacking brush right on your 
white shirt bosom. 

Mr. W. {assisting in packing). Never mind, just 
dump things in any way. Hello! What's all this? 
{Takes corset out of package and holding it up for 
inspection.) When am I expected to wear this thing? 
Is it intended to go with my dress suit? 

Mrs. W. Why, that's my new corset. How did it 
come in there? Hannah must have got it by mistake. 

Mr. W. And these ? I don't quite understand their 
use. 

Mrs. W. Why, that's my new switch, and a rat I 
bought yesterday. 

Mr. W. a rat? Great guns! {Drops it on floor, 
Mrs. W. picks it up,) But what's become of my cigars 
and gloves? 

Mrs. W. Hannah must have brought these instead 
of your packages. I'll go and get them at once. 
{Exit R.) 

Enter Jenks, L. 

Jenks. The carriage is all ready, sir. You've only 
got five minutes to get to the station im 

Mr. W. I'll be all ready as soon as Alice comes. 
{Gets hat and cane,) 

Enter Mrs. W. with packages, 

Mrs. W. Here they are, John. {Puts them in bag 
together with Jenks'' cap which he has left on table.) 
There! I guess everything's ready. (Mr. W. closes 
bag.) 

Jenks. Seen anything of my cap around? I just 
laid it on the table. 

Mrs. W. Oh, dear, I wonder if it's got in the bag. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 35 

Mr. W. I should think you'd know enough to 
hang onto your hat in a trying time hke this. {Opens 
bag, takes cap from it and closes it again.) 

Jenks {taking bag). Better hurry up, sir. No time 
to spare. {Exit L.) 

Mrs. W. Wait a second, John. There's some dust 
.on your coat. {Brushes coat.) 

Mr. W. Seconds are precious just now. Hurry up. 

Mrs. W. There, it's ofif. 

Mr. W. Am I all ready -at last? 

Mrs. W. Yes, you look splendid. I am quite proud 
of you. 

Mr. W. Thank goodness. Now good-bye. {Kisses 
her) and take care of yourself while I'm gone. 
{Exit L.) 

Mrs. W. {loud.) Good-bye. Write me when you 
get there. {Waves handkerchief.) Oh, dear, I'm com- 
pletely tired out, but I do hope John will have a good 
time. {Sits down wearily.) 

Curtain. 



HISTORY AND GOSSIP. 

characters. ' 
Mr. Swan. Mrs. Swan. 

Mr. Gregg. Mrs. Gregg. 

John Swan. 

Scene : A sitting room at the home of Mr. Swan. 

Mrs. Swan is discovered sewing and John study- 
ing his history lesson. 

Enter Mr. Swan, zvho picks up paper and sits down. 

Mr. S. Well, John, you seem to be extraordinarily 
studious tonight. Glad to see it. 

John. Yes, sir; we're going to have a review to- 
morrow and I don't want Sam Perkins to get ahead 
of me. 



36 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mr. S. That's right. Never let the other fellow get 
ahead of you if you can help it. That's always been 
my motto. 

Mrs. S. I suppose you're thinking about your own 
school days, aren't you? 

Mr. S. Well, yes, I guess I am. Used to sit up 
every night until eleven o'clock studying to keep at the 
head of my class. 

Mrs. S. Are you sure it was as late as that every 
night ? 

Mr. S. Well, didn't miss many nights unless there 
was a party. 

Mrs. S. (aside). Funny how many parties there 
used to be. 

John. Bert Hiser says that's just the way his 
father used to do, too. 

Mrs. S. What, Jim Hiser? Why, I used to be in 
the same class with Jim and I never knew him to take 
a book home nights in my life. 

John. That's just what I thought. I guess pa's 
are about all alike when it comes right down to plain 
facts. 

Mr. S. Maybe you think I'm squibbing to you, 
but I'll leave it to your mother if I wasn't about the 
best one in the history class. We were in the same 
class together. 

Mrs. S. Well, I can't deny that you were real 
good in history, but I won't say anything about the 
other studies. 

Mr. S. I don't want you to mention them, but as 
for history — why, great Caesar ! I could name every 
date mentioned in the old Barnes' History. I could 
tell you offhand when Columbus discovered America, 
when Sir Walter Raleigh discovered the Hudson 
River, and when Ben Franklin captured Stony Point, 
and what's more, I don't believe I've forgotten it all 
yet. 

John. Ho! ho! ho! Say, pa, s'posing we have a 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 37 

little review right here now. Til ask some questions 
and you and ma answer them. 

Mr. S. Fire away. I guess we can do it. Your ma 
was pretty good in history, too. Wasn't far behind 
me. 

John. All right. V\\ begin on some easy ones 
first. {A knock is heard.) Pshaw! There's some one 
knocking. (Mrs. S. goes to door.) 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Gregg. 

Mrs. G. Why, good evening, Mrs. Swan. 
Mrs. S. Come right in, Mrs. Gregg, and Mr. Gregg, 
too. We're real glad to see you. 

Mr. S. Yes, come right in, both of you. 

{They shake hands around and take off things, 
which Mrs. S. lays on a chair.) 

Mrs. G. We just thought we'd run over and make 
a neighborly call. We've been thinking of coming for 
a good while but never got started. Didn't know 
if we'd find anybody at home or not this time. 

Mr. G. Couldn't no more'n go back, anyhow. 

Mrs. S. You'll almost always find us at home 
evenings. 

Mr. S. You see we're not so young as we used to 
be. As we get older we don't like to go out so much. 

Mrs. G. That's so. I tell George we're getting old 
fast. 

Mr. G. Getting to be ''has beens.". Don't seem 
so very long ago, either, that we were like John here, 
getting our lessons and going to school. 

John. Say, Mr. Gregg, did you used to study 
nights w^hen you were a boy? 

Mr. G. Study nights? Well, once in a while when 
I felt like it. 

John. Pa says he used to sit up every night till 
eleven o'clock studying. 

Mr. G. Humph ! Well, if your pa says so, it ought 
to be so, hadn't it ? What are you studying, John ? 

John. Studying my history lesson. 



38 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mr. S. I was just telling him about our old his- 
tory class in District No. 6. - 

Mr. G. Ho! ho! ho! Great times we had in those 
days. 

Mrs. S. Come to think of it, you and Mrs. Gregg 
were both in that class, weren't you? 

Mr. G. Well, I should say so. 

Mrs. G. Dear me ! I often wish we were back 
there now, don't you, Mrs. Swan? 

Mrs. S. Yes, it seems as if those were the best 
times we ever had. 

Mrs. G. But wx had an awful time trying to get 
those dates in our head. 

Mr. S. Pshaw! Dates didn't bother me any. 

Mrs. G. And learning the names of the presidents, 
too — my land! I thought I'd never get them learned. 

John. You didn't have so many to learn as we 
do now-days. 

Mrs. G. I'm sure vvc had enough as it was. 

Mr. S. And speaking of dates, I guess the young 
folks would have had hard scratching to get ahead of 
us old folks after all. 

John. Well, you most ready for the questions, pa? 

Mrs. S. We were just getting ready for a little 
test when you came in. Maybe you people would 
like to join us. 

Mr. G. Why, sure. It'll take us back to our school 
days. 

John. Well, here's the first question. When was 
the Declaration of Independence signed, pa? 

Mr. S. Why — er — let me think. {Scratches head 
and scowls.) 

John., That's an awful easy one, pa. Hadn't 
oujsrht to get stuck on that. 

Mr. S. (thinking). Declaration of Independence! 
Well, well! Say, do you recollect when it was, Marie? 

Mrs. S. No, I can't remember dates. I could get 
most anything but them. 

Mr. G. It was on the Fourth of July, I know that. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 39 

Don't you remember the piece about the liberty bell 
and how we used to like to read it in class. 
. . . ''Ring, grandpapa, 
Ring! O ring for liberty!'' 
You know how it cracked the old bell, too, don't you ? 

John. Gee! You must have read awful loud to 
crack the bell. {Laughs.) 

Mr. G. We didn't crack it. The old man cracked 
it ringing for independence. 

John. O-o-oh! Well, here's another question — 
when was the battle of Lexington? 

Mrs. G. That's when Paul Revere made his mid- 
night ride. I remember speaking ''Paul Revere's 
Ride" to an exhibition once. 

Mr. S. I guess I can answer that one all right. It 
was in — in — 1620. 

John. No, it wasn't pa. It was in 1775. 

Mrs. G. Why, of course — 

"On the eighteenth day of April, in seventy-five; 
Hardly a man is now alive 
Who remembers that famous day and year." 

Mr. S. Well, what in tunket did happen in 1620? 
Something took place. 

John. That's when the Mayflower came over, and 
Plymouth was founded. Don't you remember about 
Captain Miles Standish and Priscilla and John Alden ? 

Mr. S. Yes, now I recollect. 

Mrs. G. {to Mrs. S.). That makes me think. Have 
you heard about old Mrs. Alden that lives down the 
Mill road? Somebody broke into her heii house last 
night and stole sixteen — 

Mr. G. No, 'twas twenty. 

Mr. S. There you go again with 1620. 

Mr. G. Just think! He stole twenty of her best 
Plymouth Rock hens. They think it was that good- 
for-nothing John Miles. 

Mrs. S. You don't say so! Do you really think he 
did? 



40 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mr. G. I guess they don't think so. They know it 
pretty well. At any rate he's been arrested and is 
down in the lock-up now. 

Mr. S. Well, what will happen next? 

John. That ain't history, pa. 

Mr. S. That's so; we'd forgot we were in the his- 
tory class. Go ahead with your questions, John. 

John. What great man was killed at Bunker Hill 
battle, ma? 

Mrs. S. At Bunker Hill? {Thinks and repeats 
question to herself.) Bunker Hill? Let me see — who 
was it? — oh, now I know — Stonewall Jackson. 

John. Ho! ho! ho! He was in the Civil War. It 
was General Warren. 

Mr. S. So it was. I guess we've forgotten a few 
facts of history, after all. 

Mrs. G. That makes me think of something else. 
Have you heard that Warren Gibbs' girl has run 
away with Myron Strong and got married. 

Mrs. S. What— eloped? 

Mrs. G. That's about it. She told her folks they 
were going over to Spicerville to revival meetings but 
instead of tliat they went to Greenville and got mar- 
ried. Did you ever hear of such doings? 

Mrs. S. Where are they now? 

Mrs. G. Oh, Myron hired a boy to bring the horse 
and cutter home and sent word back that they were 
going to Boston on their honeymoon. 

Mr. G. Myron's a tip-top good fellow after all. 
She couldn't have done any better than she did. 

Mr. S. My! My! And we hadn't heard a word 
about it. 

John. Well, that ain't history — not United States 
history. 

Mr. G. So it isn't. We seem to keep getting 
switched off from the main line, don't we, John? 

John. Here's an awful easy one, Mr. Gregg. 
What was the last battle of the Revolutionary War? 
That was when Cornwallis surrendered, you know. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 41 

Mr. G. When Cornwallis surrendered to Israel 
Putnam ? 

John. No, to General Washington? 

Mr. G. Yes, yes ; so it was. XVhy, I think that 
was the battle of Saratoga, if I'm not mistaken. 

John. Ho! ho! It was Yorktown, Mr. Gregg. 

Mr. G. Speaking of Saratoga, that's where Eliza 
Brown's husband's mother lives. I hear she's coming 
out to spend the summer with 'Liza this year. 
.Mrs. S. Is that so? 

Mrs. G. Yes, and I don't believe they'll get along 
together worth a cent. You know last time she was 
here they fought like cats and dogs. 

Mrs. S. So I've heard say. 

Mr. S. I guess Eliza can stand her ground any day. 

Mr. G. Well, her mother ain't far behind. 

John. That isn't anything to do with history. 

Mrs. S. You seem to be having a hard time with 
your class, John. What's the next question. 

John. Who was the fourth President of the United 
States, Mrs. Gregg? 

Mrs. G. Oh, dear — let me see — there was Wash- 
ington, Adams, Jefferson, and — and I can't think 
whether Daniel Webster or Henry Clay came next. 

John. Ho, ho! It wasn't either one. It was James 
Madison. 

Mrs. G. You're right, John. I remember now. {To 
Mrs. S.) Say, have you seen Mrs. Peter Madison's 
new silk dress? My it's a gorgeous affair. I don't see 
where they get the money. 

Mrs. S. Most anybody can have nice things if they 
don't pay their grocery bill. 

John. Say, pa, I guess we'll call this history lesson 
off. You folks wouldn't get ten per cent on that his- 
tory review, but I'll bet a cookie you'd get a hundred 
per cent on the history of Pikeville. 

Mr. S. What! You say that to the banner class of 
old District No. 6? I tell you it's all on account of 
these new fangled notions. These new books you've 



42 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

got nowadays teach things altogether different from 
the way we learned them. 

John. Well, pa, history is history. It don't change 
any, only they have to keep adding to it. 

Mr. G. I guess maybe we are a little bit rusty, 
Henry. Twenty years is a good long time to forget in. 

Mr. S. Well, maybe so, maybe so. I won't argue 
the point. 

John. Fm going over to study with Bert Snyder 
now, and you folks can keep right on studying up the 
history of Pikeville. {Exit.) 

Note. — // desired, Mrs. G. and Mrs. S. may gossip 
in pantomime during the latter part of dialogue and 
as curtain falls. 

Curtain. 



IN FATHER TIME'S OFFICE. 

characters. 
Father Time. Telephone Girls. 

Clerk. Telegraph Girls. 

Small Boys and Girls. 

CosruMES: Father Time represents an old man 
with long, zvhite whiskers and wears a long robe. He 
carries a large sickle. The office assistants wear cloth- 
ing appropriate to their occupations. Boys and girls 
wear ordinary colthing. 

Scene : An office. Two or three imitation tele- 
phones are hung at the rear of room, the girls seated 
on stools directly in front of them. Two or more tele- 
graph instruments {or imitations) are on small stands 
at the right and girls are seated before each. A table 
or desk stands at the left with a very large open book 
upon it. The clerk is seated before it. Upon the rear 
zvall may be hung a large calendar or large sheet of 
paper with ''JAN. 1" printed thereon. A variety of 
calendars, hour glasses, etc., may be used to decorate 
the stage. As the scene opens a clock strikes tzvelve. 



i 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 43 

Clerk. Well, another year has gone. 
The old year goes, another year, 

Is recorded in the book of Time, 
Its failures and. successes o'er ; 
Completed is its varied rhyme. 

Telephone Girl. Yes, the old year's gone. It hasn't 
been such a bad one after all. 

Telegraph Girl. I always hate to have a new year 
come. It always makes so much work receiving the 
new resolutions people make. 

Clerk. Well, you don't have it near so hard as I do. 
I have to write them all down in this big book. They 
all have to be registered, you know, if they're genu- 
ine resolutions. Then I have to keep account of them 
all through the year. 

Telephone G. You don't have to keep track of 
many of them long. There aren't many names left on 
your book at the end of the year. 

Clerk. That's where most of the trouble comes. 
You see every time anyone breaks a resolution I have 
to cross it off the books. I tell you it's an awful job. 

Telegraph G. Well, for my part, I don't see why 
people can't keep their resolutions when they make 
them. 

Clerk. It would make it a great deal easier in this 
office if they would, that's a fact. 

Enter Father Time. All are busy at zvork. 

Father Time. What's that would be easier? 

Clerk. Why, if folks didn't break the resolutions 
they make at the first of the year. 

Father Time. Hi! ho! Well, you can't help that 
any more'n you can make the earth turn t'other way 
'round. It's human nature. It's always been so and 
always will be. 

(The telephone hell rings. May he produced by hi- 
cycle hell off stage.) 

Telephone G. There! They've begun already. (At 
telephone.) Hello! Yes, this is Father Time's office. 



44 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Who ? What's he going to do this year ? Going to stop 
smoking? All right — good-bye. {To Clerk.) Mr. 
Hiram J. Brown says he's going to stop smoking. 

Father Time. Ho ! ho ! That's the same old chest- 
nut. I'll give him six weeks to get back to his pipe 
again. 

Clerk (writing). ^'Resolved, that Hiram J. Brown 
will stop smoking henceforth and forever." 

(Father Time takes seat near center of stage and 
proceeds to sharpen sickle with whetstone. Telegraph 
instruments click.) 

Telegraph G. Here's a wireless from Mrs. Grundy. 
She's going to stop talking about her neighbors this 
year. {All appear excited. Clerk drops pen.) 

Father Time {jumping up). What's that? Mrs. 
Grundy going to stop talking about her neighbors? 
Is the millenium coming? Then my business will be 
over. 

Telephone G. Don't get excited, Father Time. 
You ought to know her too well by this time to think 
she will ever keep her promise. 

Father Time {resuming seat). Yes, yes; you're 
right, my dear. It's a false alarm. 

{The telephone hell rings again.) 

Telephone G. Why, they're coming in fast. {At 
telephone.) Hello! Who is this? Polly Simpkins? 
Yes — what is it? Yes — good-bye. {To Clerk.) Miss 
Polly Simpkins has made up her mind not to chew 
gum in meeting and on the street after this. 

Clerk {writing). Humph! That's another one will 
have to be crossed out in a week or two. 

Father Time. Well, I don't see but you'll have to 
record it just the same. That's a part of our business. 

{The telegraph instrument clicks.) 

Telegraph G. Mr. Cornelius Slocum has made an 
agreement with his wife not to grumble any more 
about her cooking, even if her pancakes are like leather 
and her biscuits as heavy as lead. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 45 

Father Time. Good! He's a courageous man — a 
martyr. I hope he'll stick to it. 

{Telephone hell rings again.) 

Telephone G. Hello! Yes — yes. Going to stop 
flirting? Yes — good-bye. {To Clerk.) Nellie Briggs 
says she isn't going to flirt with the boys any more 
this year. 

Father Time. That's another good resolution if 
she can only keep it. She's too sensible a girl for such 
foolishness anyway. 

{Telephone hell rings again,) 

Telephone G. Hello ! Hello ! Yes, this is the place — 
what is it ? Bobbie Smith — and Susie Smith ? All right. 
{To Clerk). Bobbie Smith has resolved to keep his 
mother's wood box filled without having to be asked. 

Father Time. Good for him! 

Telephone G. And bis sister Susie is going to 
wash the dishes for her mother every night after 
supper. 

Father Time. Bravo! 'Twould be a blessing to a 
good many poor tired mothers if all the Bobbies and 
Susies would make the same resolves, and then keep 
them, but unfortunately they just can't do that. It's 
been tried again and again, and failed every time. 

Clerk. Have you forgotten about Reginald Ar- 
thur Brown? He did it. 

Father Time. So he did. But after all there was 
something wrong about him, poor boy. You know he 
died the very next year. I tell you it's against human 
nature. 

{The telephone hell rings repeatedly, telegraph in- 
struments click loudly, the clerk writes vigorously, and 
Father Time whets his sickle.) 

Telephone G. There they go again. Ding, ding, 
ding! 

Telegraph G. And clickety, cHckety, click! 



46 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Telephone Girls {may sing the following to tune 
of ''Auld Lang Syne'' while all perform medley as 
above.) 

Hello— hello— hello— hello ! 

Hello — hello, again! 
Yes, this is just the place you want, 
Old Father Time's domain. 

Hello— hello— hello— hello ! 

Hello — hello, again! 
Be quick and tell your business, sirs. 

And make it very plain. 

Father Time. My! I don't know as I ever saw it 
quite so busy here as it is today. 

Clerk. Here come some little boys and girls. 
They're bringing their resolutions with them. 
Enter small boys and girls, each with roll of paper. 

Father Time. Well, well, little people, what is on 
your mind now? 

Children. We're resolved to be better children, 
sir ; yes, a great deal better than we were last year. 

Father Time. Have, eh? I'm mighty glad of it. 
Let's hear about it. 

First Boy. We've got our resolutions written on 
paper. 

Father Time. Well, proceed to business and my 
bookkeeper here will write 'em down as fast as you 
read 'em ofif. 

Children (unroll manuscripts and read from 
them, or sing to tune of ''Auld Lang Syne.") 
Just listen, dear old Father Time, 

Unto our vows so true; 
We've drawn them up in regular style 

As legal people do. 
Resolved that we'll do this and that 

As all good children should. 
And model girls and boys we'll be, 

So gentle, sweet and good. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. A7 

Resolved, that we will keep our thoughts 

And bodies clean and neat ; 
Resolved, that we will strive to keep 

Our tempers always sweet; 
Resolved, that we will tell the truth 

And never bad words say; 
Resolved, we'll do some kindly act 
To some one every day. 
Father Time. Well, now I call that a pretty fine 
set of resolutions. How long do you expect to keep 
'em? 

Boy. Oh, we're going to keep them all the year, 
aren't we? 

All. Yes, yes; every one of them. 
Father Time. That's good. I'll give you a prize 
if you do. {To assistants). Say, what can I give 
these youngsters for a prize at the end of the year? 
Telephone G. You might give them contentment. 
Telegraph G. Or a clear conscience. 
Clerk. Happiness. 

{Others may mention ''Desire to help others'' 
''Good reputation^' etc.) 

Father Time. Do you hear that? I'll give you all 
of them if you live up to that agreement of yours. 
Isn't that worth trying for? 

All. Yes, yes ; we're going to try for the prizes. 
Father Time. Well, do your best and may God 
bless you. Good-bye. 

All. Good-bye! Good-bye! 

{A medley of telephone bells, telegraph instrinnents, 
etc., ensues.) 

Telephone G. Dear me! There they go again 
worse than ever. 

All {sing as before, with medley). 

Hello— hello— hello— hello ! 

Hello — hello, again! 
Yes, this is just the place you want, 

Old Father Time's domain. 



48 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Note. — Local names may be substituted for the ones 
given herein, and other local hits introduced by Tele- 
phone Girls and Telegraph Girls, if desired. 

Curtain. 



THE LAWN PARTY. 



CHARACTERS. 

Tommy, the originator of the party, 

Bobby f 

Harold \ His associates. 

George t 

Mr. Jefferson Banks, an old resident, 

Mr. Joshua Longman. 

Miss Tina Stout, his sweetheart. 

Summer Girls and Boys. 
BoySy girls and older people in attendance at party. 
Costumes: The boys in first scene wear ordinary 
play clothes and in second scene may he ''dressed up'' 
for the occasion, Mr. Banks is a rather ''seedy'' in- 
dividual. Mr. Longman should be a very tall boy 
with clothing which he has outgrown. Miss Stout is 
a very fleshy girl with gay colored clothing. The Sum- 
mer Girls (any number) should wear broad-brimmed 
hats or bonnets of pink and blue, and thin summer 
dresses of similar colors. Tissue or crepe paper may 
be used in arranging the bonnets. They carry fans. 
The Summer Boys wear flat-brimmed straw hats, 
light waists and may carry canes. Others wear cloth- 
ing suited to a summer evening festival. 

Scene I: A dooryard at Tommy's home. 

Tommy is discovered sitting on a block of wood, 
whistling and whittling. 

Enter Bobby, Harold and George. 

Boys. Hello, Tommy! (Tommy continues to 
whistle.) 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 49 

Harold {coming nearer). I say, Tommy, what's 
the matter? Are you sick? 

George {with hand on Tommy's shoulder and 
speaking in a tone of mock sympathy.) Where does 
the pain seem to be mostly? 

Tommy. I haven't any aches or pains, thank you. 
I've got an idea. 

All {astonished). An idea! 

Bobby. Beware of ideas. They have been known 
to drive people crazy. 

Tommy I guess you'll be crazy when you hear it. 

Harold. Proceed at once, then. We aren't in any 
fear of the lunatic asylum. Are we, boys? 

Boys. No. 

Tommy. \\t\\, then, it's a lawn party. 

Boys. A lawn party? Ho! ho! ho! 

Bobby (z^'ith eyes uplifted as if in vision^ and zuith 
szveep of arm). Visions of white dresses and pink 
hair ribbons. 

Harold. Of chocolate ice cream and jelly-cake. 

George. Of moonlight strolls and tete-a-tetes. 

Tommy. But listen. I'm the one that's going to get 
up this party. 

Boys. You? 

Tommy. Yes, sir; I'm going to get it up. I've asked 
Miss Perkins and she says it's a tip-top plan, but you 
fellows have got to help me. 

All. How? 

Bobby. Tell us about it. What can we do? {All sit 
on blocks or on ground surrounding Tommy.) 

Tommy. You can help make the ice cream, and get 
the tables, and invite the people, and — 

George. Who's going to make the cake? 

Tommy. We'll get our mothers to do that, of course. 

Bobby. Yes, sir; my mother'll make a six-story 
cake with forty dozen cinnamon drops on top. 
(Smacks lips,) 



so HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

George. My mother'll make one of her famous an- 
gel cakes with spanked cream on it — oh, whipped 
cream, I mean. Gee! {Smacks lips,) 

Harold. You don't think my mother'll let anyone 
beat her making a cake, do you? She'll make one of 
those two-colored affairs with walnut meats inside of 
it and all over the top. {Hand on stomach,) Wheel 
{Smacks lips,) 

Tommy. Well, never mind the cakes now. Don't 
get them all eaten up before hand. 

Harold. That's so. Wait till the plans are made. 
As my father says, '^Build the foundation first and 
put the roof on afterwards." 

George. What's it going to be for, anyway ? 

Tommy. It's for the benefit of the '^School Improve- 
provement Club." 

Boys. Hurrah for the "School Improvement Club !" 

Bobby. You can count on us. We'll be right there 
when the time comes — ''Johnny on th.e spot." 

Harold. Where's it going to be? 

George. When's it going to be? 

Tommy. We'll have it on the school lawn sometime 
next week, maybe Wednesday night. 

George. Oh, jolly! 

Harold. But what are we going to do besides eat? 

Tommy. Why, sing and speak pieces and so forth. 

Bobby. Let the girls do that. 

Harold. Yes, let the girls do that. They like such 
things. 

Tommy. Of course we'll ask them to help us along 
that line. 

Bobby. Say, I've got one objection. 

Tommy What's that? 

Bobby. I'd like to know who's going to wash the 
dishes. 

Tommy. Don't worry. The dishes'll get washed 
some way or another. 

Bobby. But we can't ask the girls, if we're the 
ones that's getting it up. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 51 

Tommy. Maybe our mothers'll help us out that way, 
too, if we want them to. 

George. Mothers are pretty handy to have around 
after all, I tell you. 

Harold. Say, Tom, you're a brick. 

Bobby. How'd you ever think of it? 

George. I guess we'll show the girls that we can 
get up socials and pink teas as well as they can. 

Tommy. We'll have to get the other boys to help us. 

Harold. Sure thing. The more boys there are the 
more cakes there'll be. Don't catch me eating any 
supper at home that night — no, sir-ee. 

Bobby. Me neither. Whdopee! This is going to be 
great. 

George. Let's hunt up the other boys and tell 'em 
the good news. 

{The boys put their heads together and whisper for 
a moment, then ask of each other, ''Shall wef Shall 
we?" Each nods his head. Finally Bobby steps 
to front and addresses the audience,) 

Bobby. Ladies and Gentlemen: We've decided to 
invite you all to the fracas — 

Tommy. No, no; not a fracas. 

All. We invite you all to the lawn party next 
Wednesday evening for the benefit of the ^'School Im- 
provement Club." 

Curtain. 

Scene II : The school lawn, decorated with Japa- 
nese lanterns. The young people shoidd be passing to 
and fro, visiting and laughing. After a fezv moments 
of this kind of pantomime (accompanied by music), 
the stage is partially cleared, and Tommy, Bobby and 
George enter. 

George. Things are coming out all right, Tommy. 
It's been a success so far. 

Bobby. Yes, I've had seven pieces of cake. Guess 
I've done my share. 

George. And I've had three dishes of ice cream. 



52 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Tommy. Oh, say, have you seen Mr. Longman and 
Miss Stout ? They have been together all this evening. 
Don't they look too comical for anything? 

Bobby. I should say so. It's enough to make a horse 
laugh to see 'em. Ma says she bets they're going to 
make a match. 

Enter Harold, quickly. 

Harold. Say! Everybody's got through eating. 
When's the speaking going to begin ? 

Tommy. Right away. See! They're all coming over 
this way now. Let's hunt up the speakers. 

Bobby. You're first, you know. 

Tommy. Of course, I'll be on hand. 

A number of people enter, talking among them- 
selves, and take seats on benches and campstools in 
readiness for the exercises, Mr. Longman and Miss 
Stout should make themselves very conspicuous. The 
speakers need not occupy seats on stage, but enter at 
R. as needed. 

Mr. L. We've got purty good seats, hain't we, 
Tina ? Guess we ought to be able to hear the speakin' 
from here. 

Miss S. We couldn't get much closer, Joshua, 'less 
we should do some speakin' ourselves. 

Mr. L. Like's not they'd want us to sing that little 
doo-et of ours if they knew we had one. 

Miss S. Oh, my ! We couldn't do that. We hain't 
had practice enough. 

Mr. L. We couldn't do more'n make a fizzle, but 
they hain't asked us yet. (People become uneasy 
and begin to clap hands.) 

Enter Tommy. 

Tommy {stepping to front and making bow to the 
stage audience) — 

Dear friends, we're very glad indeed, 

To welcome you tonight; 
We hope you will enjoy yourselves 
Beneath the ^tars so bright. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 53 

(Mr. L. looks at stars, then at ^Iiss S. and smiles.) 
WeVe tried our very best to please — 

'Twas really quite a chore — 
And if mistakes we may have made, 
Why, others might make more. 

Now since we boys have got the chancy, 
There's some things we would say. 

For folks have tried to slander us 
In every kind of way. 

We'll first explode that worn-out tale 

That's told about us boys, — 
How all we do about the house 

Is just to make a noise. 

I guess if you would split the wood, 

And do the chores we do 
Until your back ached every night, 

You'd say it wasn't true. 

They say that all we have to do 

Is just to grow and grow. 
To make nice husbands for the girls, 

When they get big, you know. 

Such twaddle as some people tell. 

It really makes us smile. 
And still they keep on asking us 

To do things all the while. 

Again we wish to thank you all 

For coming here tonight, 
And hope you will enjoy yourselves 

Beneath the stars so bright. 

(Applause may follow, if desired.) 

Tommy. The next will be our class song. 

(Any number of boys and girls, bearing school pen- 
nants, may sing to tunc of ''Co-Ca-Che-Lunk!') 



54 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Oh, the pleasant school, we love it, 

Where so many hours we pass, 
At our games or at our study. 

On the playground or in class. 
Chorus. 

Co-ca-che-lunk-che-lunk-che-laly, 
Here's to the teacher's gentle rule, 

Co-ca-che-lunk-che-lunk-che-laly, 
Oh, ho, here's to the dear old school. 

We have leagued ourselves together 

In a noble band and true, 
And we'll make our school the better 
By the deeds that we shall do. 
Chorus. 
Tommy. Next is a song called 'The Summer Girls.'' 
Enter girls tripping gaily to the rhythm of some 
lively music. They sing the follozving to the tune of 
"My Last Cigar!' Repeat last two lines of each 
stanza for chorus. 

THE SUMMER GIRLS. 

Oh, we are dainty summer girls, 

In bonnets pink and blue, 

{Point to bonnets.) 
And dainty gowns for summer wear 

Of just the proper hue; 

{Spread skirts.) 
Beneath our bonnets you may see 

Our faces fresh and bright; 
No matter what the weather is, 

Our hearts are ever light. 

{The next stanza should be sung as if really asking 
a question of audience, introducing cute gestures, etc.) 
Suppose you were a summer girl. 

In bonnet pink or blue. 
With nothing much to worry you, 
And nothing much to do, 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 55 

Enter little boys, who stand in background during 
remainder of stanza. 

And there should come a nice young man, 

A real nice one, you know, — 
Pray tell us would you walk with him 

Or would you tell him "No?" 

{The boys advance, swinging canes, bow to girls, 
take their arms and march with them about the stage, 
or take a few simple dance steps. Boys and girls join 
in singing last stanza,) 

We spend the golden summer hours 

In idleness and play, 
In roaming through the woods and fields, 

And picking flowers gay, 
And when the sun is shining bright. 

And there's no cooling breeze, 
We stroll within the orchard old 
Beneath the apple trees. 
{Other selections may be introduced if desired,) 
Tommy. The next speaker is Mr. Banks. I guess 
everybody knows him. 

Miss S. My! He's an awful old boy, ain't he? 
Mr. B. {stepping forward). Yes, I guess every- 
body knows Jeff Banks around these parts. Now I 
want to say jest a word about these school doin's. 
I'm right glad you've got stirred up an' are tryin' to 
make things better'n they be. I ain't been inside the 
old schoolhouse till tonight in over thirty years, but 
from what I've seen on the outside I've come to the 
conclusion that ye're a-doin' yer part in keepin' it up 
in good shape. I could give ye the whole hist'ry of 
this school from the time 'twas first built if ye wanted 
to hear it {people shake heads and appear uneasy), 
but I ain't goin' to take up yer time. What I do want 
to say IS that we used to have some right smart good 
times here when I was a lad. An' while I was a-musin' 
over it t'other day, a little poem came into my head 



56 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

an' IVe got it writ down here on paper to read to ye. 
{He adjusts spectacles and takes paper from pocket, 
which he slowly unfolds. Some one remarks, ''I ex- 
pected that's what was coming." He reads the fol- 
lowing poem:) 

Old schoolhouse dear, how many feet 

Have trodden in thy halls? 
How many, many fingers left 
Their traces on thy walls? 

What means those rudely lettered scrawls 
Upon each battered seat? 

Bobby {interrupting) . There ain't any scratches or 
scrawls on our desks. They're new ones. 

Mr. ^. {looking over glasses). Ain't, eh? Well, 
there was on the old ones, 'cause I put some of 'em 
there myself. {Looking at paper.) Where was I? 
What mean those rudely lettered scrawls 

Upon each battered seat? 
How many hearts that prompted them, 
Have ceased with life to beat? 

How many minds were moulded here, 

An' drank at learnin's well, 
An' what success in life was theirs. 

But God, alone, can tell. 

Oh, couldst thou call those schoolmates back, 

Those happy days once more, 
I'd gladly lose all that I've learned 

To live an' learn it o'er. 

Far easier were those schoolday tasks 
Than the school of Life has been. 

But those happy days of childhood life 
Will never come again. 

{Slight applause. Mr. B. takes his seat. Mr. L. 
beckons Tommy to his side and zvhispers in his ear.) 
Tommy. The next thing is a song by — 
Mr. L. a doo-et. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 57 

Tommy. Oh, yes ; a duet by Mr. Longman and Miss 
Stout., and that will be all of the exercises. 

(Mr. L. and Miss S. step forward and sing some 
popular song. Any popular sentimental song would 
be quite appropriate. Great applause follozvs, neces- 
sitating the singing of another stanza.) 

Mr. B. {rising in his seat). Now that the speak- 
ings over with, I want to congratulate Master Tom 
an' the other young folks on the success of this splen- 
diferous party, for I think everybody will agree that 
it's been a tremendous success from start to finish. 
Ain't that so? 

All. Yes! Yes! 

Tommy. We thank you ever so much and we're 
glad youVe enjoyed it. Now let's close by singing, 
''Good Night, Ladies," and everybody join in the 
chorus. {All sing.) 

Curtain. 



THE NEW CAMERA. 



CH'ARACTERS. 

Ned Fuller^ the owner of the camera. 
Bert Hodge, his chum. 
Hiram Snodgrass, in hurry to catch train. 
Jim Paddock, town constable. 
Mrs. Dusenberry. 
Nora McGee. 
Scene: Front dooryard at Ned's home, the front 
of stage representing the street upon zvhich people arc 
passing by when hailed by Ned. 

Ned is discovered with camera ready for business. 
One or two benches or chairs are nearby. 
Enter Bert. 
Bert. What you got there, Ned? 
Ned. a new camera. Pa gave it to me for my 
birthday present. 



58 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Bert {looking it over). Gee! Ain't it a dandy! 
What are you going to do with it? 

Ned. Take pictures, of course. Think I was going 
to play football with it? 

Bert. Whose pictures are you going to take? 

Ned. Oh, anybody who wants them. I'm going to 
charge fifty cents a dozen for children and a dollar 
for grown people until I get started. 

Bert. That's cheap enough. Ma had hers taken 
last winter and paid four dollars a dozen. 

Ned. No wonder. Your ma's as big as three com- 
mon folks. 

Bert. If that's the reason they'd want about ten 
dollars' a dozen for Elder Whipple's picture. 

Ned {showing photos). See! Here's some I've taken 
already. 

Bert. Ho! ho! That's a good picture of Pete 
Wh^feler. Looks just as if he was ready to begin 
another one of his fish stories. {Looks at another 
photo.) And old Mis' Barnes looks just as if she'd 
finished telling something important about her next 
door neighbor. Oh, say, Ned, what do you ask for 
dog's pictures? 

Ned. I haven't taken any yet. 

Bert. 'Cause if you don't charge too much I'm go- 
ing to have my puppy dog's picture taken some time. 

Ned. Well, bring it around this afternoon. Here 
comes old Mrs. Dusenberry. 

Enter Mrs. Dusenberry, R. 

Ned. Say, Mrs. Dusenberry, don't you want your 
picture taken with my new camera? 

Mrs. D. Land sakes! What do I want my likeness 
drawed for? I hain't had it done since Ezra an' me 
was married fifty years ago. 

Ned. I should think 'twas most time to have it 
taken again. 

Mrs. D. How much does it cost? 

Ned. Only a dollar a dozen. 



ffm»9 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUX DIALOGUES. 59 

Mrs. D. Wal, I dunno's Fd better. FU have to ask 
Ezra 'bout it. Mebbe he wouldn't want me to spend 
the money. 

Ned. Pshaw! I don't beHeve Mr. Dusenberry will 
care. I'll take my pay in apples if you will. 

Mrs. D. Wal, I guess I'll have it done, then. 

Ned. Then you can surprise Mr. Dusenberry when 
you show it to him. Sit right down here. 

Mrs. D. {sitting down). Mercy sakes! I'd orter had 
on my alpaca dress. I guess Ezra will be s'prised 
if I have it done in this old gingham one. 

Ned. Never mind. It won't show much. I'll only 
take the bust. 

Mrs. D. Land o' livin' ! If there's anything goin' to 
bust I don't want it done. 

Ned {laughing) . I don't mean anything's going to 
break. It's the way the picture is taken. Something 
like this. {Shows her photo.) 

Mrs. D. I jest won't have it anyway if it's going' 
to look like Pete Wheeler. I should expect something 
to bust sure. 

Ned. I mean that we'll just take the head and 
shoulders. 

Mrs. D. Oh, is that it? Wal, go ahead an' do the 
best you can. 

Ned {busy with camera). Now sit still for just a 
minute and look real pleasant. There ! It's done. 

Mrs. D. My! You don't say so. Wal, I've heard 
this was an awful fast age, but I didn't s'pose anyone 
could take a picture as quick as that. 

Ned. I'll bring one over to your house tomorrow 
and let you see how it looks. 

Mrs. D. Wal, I must hustle home. It's time to get 
dinner over. I ain't goin' to tell Ezra anything about 
it till I see if it's a good one. {Exit L.) 

Bert. Gee! You did that up slick. I wish I had a 
camera so I could make some money, too. 

Ned. I didn't make much money on that deal. 



60 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Bert. Well, here comes Nora McGee. Maybe she'll 
have some money. 

Enter Nora, R. 

Ned. Want your picture taken, Nora? 

Nora. Pwhat did yez say? 

Ned. I asked if you didn't want your picture taken. 
I'm taking pictures cheap today — only a dollar a 
dozen. 

Nora. An' for pwhat will I be afther havin' me 
picture took? 

Ned. So you can show it to your friends. 

Nora. Faith, I have no frinds in Ameriky. Me 
frinds are all in ould Ireland. 

Ned. That's all the better ; then you can send them 
some. 

Nora. Well, now, that would be jist the proper 
caper. I'd niver thought uv it before. Yis, I b'lave 
I will do it. I'll sind one to me lover Dinnis O'Fla- 
herty first pop. 

Ned. Good ! Would you like it taken full length or 
three-quarters or — 

Nora. Begorra, I want full measure. I won't be 
chatin' onyone by givin' 'em only three-quarters uv a 
picture. Why, 'twas only this mornin' thot a mon sold 
me mistress. thra pecks uv potatoes for a bushel, but 
the nixt toime the spalpeen comes I'll be ready for 
him. If he don't give back the other peck I'll jist walk 
him around on his ear, thot I will. 

Bert. Ho ! ho ! I'd like to see you, Nora. 

Nora. Well, jist happen around at that toime and 
I'll show you. But about that picture, I want full 
measure or none. 

Ned. Then stand right here, Nora — right in front 
of the camera. 

Nora. An' won't it be afther shootin' me ? 

Ned. There's no danger, Nora. Now stand just as 
you'd like to have Dennis see you in the picture. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 61 

(Nora may try to appear very attractive. Ned is busy 
with camera.) There! It's all done, Nora. 

Nora. Holy saints! Fd forgot I had me basket uv 
eggs on me arm. Will yez be afther rubbin' it out uv 
the picture? 

Ned. It won't do any harm, Nora. Dennis won't 
care about the basket. 

Nora. I dunno as he will, afther all. If me face is 
all right that's all he'll care about. 

Ned. I'll have them done tomorrow. 

Nora. Thin I'll pay yez whin yez bring thim to me. 
Good-bye. {Exit L.) 

Bert. Jiminy ! There's another dollar earned in less 
than ten minutes. 

Ned. They've all got to be finished up first and 
maybe some of them won't be good. 

Bert. Well, here comes Uncle Hiram Snodgrass. 
He's got a satchel. I'll bet he's going away. 

Enter Hiram, L., with old-fashioned satchel and 
umbrella. He appears to be in a great hurry and is 
about to pass by without noticing boys. 

Bert. Hello, Uncle Hiram. 

Hiram. Hello, hello, boys! Havin^ a good time? 

Bert. First-rate. Going away, Uncle Hiram? 

Hiram. Yes, goin' down to Pokeville to my dar- 
ter's to spend a few days. Hain't been there in two 
years now. 

Ned. Better have your picture taken 'fore you go. 
I've got a new camera and I'm taking pictures cheap 
now — only a dollar a dozen. 

Hiram. No, I hain't got time, now. I've got to catch 
the train. 

Ned. You've got lot's of time. The train doesn't 
come in for an hour and a half. It's only ten o'clock 
now and it doesn't get here till half past eleven. 

Hiram. Wal, I allers like to be on time. Don't like 
to run no risk of missin' it. Better be an hour ahead 



62 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

of time than five minutes behind, 'cordin' to my no- 
tion. 

Bert. But it only takes five minutes to get to the 
depot. You've got bushels of time. 

Ned. And you can't get your pictures taken for a 
dollar a dozen every day. 

Hiram. Wal, I'd like to help ye first-rate. I allers 
believe in helping them that tries to help themselves. 
I dunno but I will risk it after all. If I miss this 
train I can take the next one that comes at three 
o'clock. 

Ned. Well, sit right down here and I'll hurry. 
(Uncle Hiram sits on bench or chair with satchel 
and umbrella on ground in front of him.) Now sit 
still for just a minute. There ! It's done. 

Bert. Didn't take long, did it, Uncle Hiram? 

Hiram. What? Is it took a-ready? 

Ned. Yes, that's all. I'll have them finished up time 
you get back. , 

Hiram. Gosh! That's doin' things up in all-fired 
quick time. But I can't stop any longer. I'll pay ye 
for 'em when I get back. I've got to be hustlin' for 
that train now. {He hurries off stage, R.) 

Bert. I guess likely he'll make it all right. Here 
comes old Mr. Paddock. 

Ned. I don't count on taking his picture, but I'm 
going to try it, anyway. 

Enter Mr. Paddock, L. 

Ned. Good morning, Mr. Paddock. 

Mr. p. (talking in a high-pitched voice). What 
you up to now? 

Ned. Taking pictures. Don't you want yours taken? 

Mr. p. No, I guess not. I had it took not long ago. 

Ned. When was that, Mr. Paddock ? 

Mr. p. Why, just after the Civil War. * 

Bert. That was quite a spell back according to my 
history. 

Ned. Haven't you had it taken since? 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 63 

Mr. p. No; don't b'lieve in havin' it taken every 
new moon. Anybody that wants to know how Jim 
Paddock looks, jest let 'em come an' look at the orig- 
inal. 

Ned. But you can send them to friends who live 
at a distance. 

Mr. p. My friends all live right 'round here. 
Everybody knows me. I'm the town constable. 

Ned. That's why I wanted to take it. 'Twould be 
just as good as an advertisement. Folks would say, 
''Why, there's Mr. Paddock's picture," and then they'd 
all want theirs taken. 

Mr. p. Wal, that's lookin' at the matter from an 
altogether different standpoint. Yes, I guess in view 
of that fact, I'll have it taken after all. 

Ned. Sit down here, then, Mr. Paddock. 

Mr. p. Wal, now, if it don't cost any more I'd a 
leetle rather have it took standin' up. {He stands in 
front of camera. Takes out handkerchief and pol- 
ishes badge.) 

Ned. All ready now. Stand still. There! That's all. 

Mr. p. All done, eh? Wal, don't make it look any 
purtier or any humlier than what I be. 

Ned. I guess it'll be all right, Mr. Paddock. Any- 
way you can see for yourself tomorrow. 

Mr. p. Wal, I've got to go now an' see 'bout get- 
tin' some dinner for that hoss thief I've got down in 
the lock-up. {Exit R.) 

Bert. Gee ! You're doing a rushing business. Don't 
want to take a partner, do you? 

Ned. Maybe I will if business keeps increasing. I 
guess I've done enough for half a day. I'm going to 
close up until after dinner. 

Bert. I'll be over again this afternoon and bring 
my puppy. {Exeunt Ned at rear, Bert, L.) 

Curtain. 



64 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 



THE NEW HIRED MAN. 

CHARACTERS. 

Zenas Quackenbush, a farmer. 
Bob Quackenbush, his son, 
Sam Wilson, a neighbor, 
George Dunn, the hired man. 

Scene: A farmyard, Zenas and Sam discovered, 
talking, 

Sam. How d'ye like your new hired man, Zenas? 

Zenas. Fact is, I don't like him at all. He ain't 
worth his salt on a farm. 

Sam. Hain't, eh? What's the trouble? 

Zenas. Don't know nothin'. The idee of gettin' 
these city fellers that hain't never been on a farm 
before an' hain't got no hankerin' for it an' tryin' to 
make farmers of 'em hain't what it's cracked up to 
be. It's jest* about as sensible as a gal's marryin' a 
drunkard to reform him. It jest can't be done suc- 
cessful like. 

Sam. That's allers been my opinion on the subject 
exactly. 

Zenas. That feller hain't been here over two days 
yet an' he's got into more scrapes an' done more fool- 
ish, outlandish things in that time than you could 
crowd into a book as big as a Bible. 

Sam. I heerd he was a comical jigger, but what's 
he been doin' so much? 

Zenas. Good land ! I don't know where to begin. 
Fust thing I sent him out to feed the calf. He hadn't 
been gone more'n ten minutes 'fore I heerd an awful 
racket in the barnyard, an' when I looked out, there 
was that ere calf racin' 'round like mad with him 
a-hangin' onto its tail for dear life. Wal, now, I 
wanter tell ye 'twas jest like a circus. They was 
goin' so fast that he dasen't let go an thar's no 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 65 

knowin' how long 'twould kept up if I hadn't gone 
out thar an' headed off the calf. When he did get 
loose he was a sight to behold. One pants leg was 
ripped up the hull side, one coat sleeve was torn off 
an' his nose was bleedin' whar he'd struck it against 
a fence rail. 

Sam {laughing heartily). That was a purty good 
initiation, I must say. But he didn't give up his job, 
eh? 

Zenas. Give up his job? Not a bit of it. He's a 
plucky fellow, I'll say that for him. 

Sam. Well, what happened next? 

Zenas. I was just goin' to tell ye. We hadn't got 
the chores done yet so I sent him to feed the pigs. 

Sam. Then I s'pose the pigs got after him an' 
chewed up the other pants leg? 

Zenas. No; but he tumbled out of the haymow. 

Sam. What was he doin' in the haymow? 

Zenas. Pitchin' down hay to feed the pigs. 

Sam. Wal, I swow. What scrape did he get into 
next? 

Zenas. I sent him down to the stable to milk the 
old spotted cow after that. 

Sam. I s'pose the old cow kicked him, then, didn't 
she? 

Zenas. Not much. That old cow wouldn't hurt a 
baby. 

Sam. What did happen, then? 

Zenas. W^hen I got down thar he was pumpin' that 
old cow's tail up an' down at the rate of two-forty a 
minute. 

Sam. Ho ! ho ! ho ! Hadn't got much milk, eh ? 

Zenas. Wal, not much to speak of, but he was 
tendin' to his job like all possessed. It made the old 
critter so nervous that I didn't get mor'n two-thirds 
of a mess. 

Sam. He must be an interestin' chap. Beats any- 
thing I ever heerd of. 



66 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Zenas. An' he's the greatest hand to ask questions 
you ever saw. Wanted to know this mornin' which 
cows give buttermilk an' which ones sour milk. An' 
here's another one he sprung on me this noon: "If 
cows that are out to pasture give pasteurized milk, 
what kind do them that stay in the barn give ?" 

Sam. Wal, maybe he'll larn in time. Ye can't ex- 
pect too much in two days. 

Zenas. Mebbe he would, but I hain't settin' out to 
run no agricultural skule just at present. One thing 
I wanter tell ye, though — he's got the biggest appetite 
of anyone I ever come in contact with. 

Sam. I don't blame the feller a bit for havin' an 
appetite after all the experience he's gone through. 

Enter Bob. 

Bob. Ma wants to know who put all that sour milk 
in the churn. She's been churnin' most an hour an' 
jest found it out. 

Zenas. Consarn it all, it's that hired man again. I 
told him to put the cream in the churn an' take the 
sour milk out to the pigs. I'll bet a cookie he's wasted 
all that cream. 

Bob. Gee! Ma's madder'n a wet hen over it. {Exit.) 

Sam. He seems to be purty successful in gettin' 
things wrong end to. 

Zenas. Wal, here he comes. Wonder what's hap- 
pened now. 

Enter George Dunn. 

George. Say, Mr. Quackenbush, you know you told 
me to set that old hen? 

Zenas. Yes. 

George. Well, plague take her, I can't get her to 
set worth a cent. 

Zenas. That's funny. She's been wantin' to set for 
the last three weeks. Let's see which one you've got. 

Zenas and George may leave stage and Zenas 
comes back laughing heartily, or George may leave 
stage alone and return with live rooster in his arms. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 67 

Zenas. Ho! ho! ho! Been tryin' to set an' old 
rooster. What'll happen next, Fd Hke to know. Ho! 
ho! ho! (Sam joins in the laughter. If the rooster 
is introduced into the scene, George hastily exits. 
Wal, what do you think of my new hired man? 

Sam. It's my opinion he'd earn a purty good salary 
as a circus clown. I've been thinkin for some time of 
sendin' to the city for a man myself, but if that's the 
kind of hired men the employment agency is sendin' 
out, I'll get along without for a spell longer. 

Curtain. 



PAINTING A CHAIR. 



characters. 

Mr. Bunker. Deacois. Flanders 

Tom Bunker. Mrs. Bunker. 

Scene : A kitchen or living room. 

Mrs. Bunker has just finished painting a chair and 
stands admiring her handizvork. 

Mrs. B. There! That chair's all done. It looks 
pretty good, too, if I do say it. I don't see why every- 
body can't paint up their old furniture and make it 
look like new instead of throwing it away or rele- 
gating it to the garret. I always do mine and I don't 
claim to be an expert, either. Now the next question 
is to keep Tom and Mr. Bunker from sitting on it. 
They're just as liable as anything to set themselves 
right down into it the first pop. I guess I'll set it over 
here. {Places chair at rear.) Now I must go and see 
about getting dinner ready. {Exit R.) 
Enter Tom, L., whistling. 

Tom. Oh, jiminy! I'm tired. Been clear over to 
Halcomb's saw mill with Bert Green. {Takes off hat 
and coat and throzvs them on the nezvly painted chair.) 
Guess I'll sit down in this rocking chair and rest a 



68 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

spell. {Sits down. A short pause.) Gee! I'm hun- 
gry. Wonder where ma is? Ma! Ma! Bring me a 
cookie. 

Enter Mrs. Bunker, R. 

Mrs. B. What on earth do you want? 

Tom. Bring me a cookie, ma. 

Mrs. B. I guess you know where the cookie jar is 
just as wxll as I do, and I don't know but a little 
better. 

Tom. But I'm so tired, ma. I've been clear over 
to Halcomb's mill and back again afoot. 

Mrs. B. You didn't have to go. Don't you think 
I've got anything to do but — my land ! You've thrown 
your coat and hat right on my new painted chair. 
{Takes them off and examines chair.) 

Tom. I didn't know it was painted, ma. 

Mrs. B. No, you never know anything. I've a good 
mind to take a stick to you and see if you'll know that. 
Now I've got to go and paint part of it over again. 
{Gets paint and brush.) 

Tom {examining cap and coat). My cap's all paint, 
too, and so's my coat. 

Mrs. B. {busy painting). Well, it's good enough 
for you. You might hang your things up instead of 
throwing them all over everywhere. Now you march 
right into the other room. We'll see if that chair has 
a chance to dry before something else happens to it. 
{Exeunt.) 

Enter Mr. Bunker. 

Mr. B. {yawning and stretching arms). Oh, ho, 
hum! I guess I'll take off my boots and put on my 
slippers till after dinner and see if I can't rest my 
feet a little. {Gets slippers from corner of room.) 
Weather's turned so warm these old boots make my 
feet sweat. Wonder if dinner ain't most ready. ( Takes 
hold of chair preparatory to sitting down. Looks at 
hand, then at chair.) Hello! What's all this? {Touches 
chair again with finger to make sure of paint.) Paint, 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 69 

I declare! Jane's begun her annual painting. (JVipes 
hands on hoots.) 

Enter Mrs. Bunker. 

Mrs. B. What? You here ready for dinner so 
quick ? 

Mr. B. Yes, I had a just-before-dinner kind of 
feeling come over me, so I came up to the house to 
see what could be done about it. 

Mrs. B. \\^ell, dinner isn't ready yet. You'll have 
to wait a spell. But say — don't set in that chair. It's 
painted. 

Mr. B. I've found that out already. I — 

Mrs. B. You haven't sat in it, have you? 

Mr. B. Not quite. Come pretty near going ker- 
plunk into it, though. I just pulled it out ready 
when — 

Mrs. B. You've had hold of it? I'll bet you've— 
yes, you've daubed it all up with your fingers. {Gets 
paint and brush and smooths it over.) You're just as 
bad as Tom. You and he never can leave anything 
alone. I never yet painted a piece of furniture but 
what one or both of you daubed it all up before it got 
dry. 

Mr. B. I'm sorry, Jane, but — 

Mrs. B. Yes, you're awful sorry. I can almost see 
the tears in your eyes. But I guess likely it'll be safe 
enough now. You and Tom have both taken a turn 
at it. {Exit with paint and brush.) 

Mr. B. {sitting in rocking chair to remove boots). 
How in tunket was I to know whether it was painted 
or not? I guess it didn't do much harm anyway. {A 
knock is heard.) Come in. 

Enter Deacon Flanders. 

Deacon. Howdy do, Jim?. 

Mr. B. How are you, Deacon. Going away? 

Deacon. Going down to Jed Wilkin's auction. 

Mr. B. That's so. It is today. I'd forgotten all 
about it. 



70 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES, 

Deacon. Yes, thought Td step in and see if you 
didn't want to go along. 

Mr. B. I would like to go, Deacon, but I haven't 
had my dinner yet. - 

Deacon. Well, I'll wait a spell if you're thinking 
of going. 

Mr. B. 'Twon't take long. {Goes to door at R. 
and calls to Jane outside. Deacon sits in painted 
chair.) Say, Jane, guess I'll take a lunch and not wait 
for dinner. The Deacon wants me to go over to Jed's 
auction with him. 

Enter Mrs. Bunker. 

Mrs. B. Well, dinner's just about ready. You can 
sit down and go to eating if you're — Why, Deacon, 
you're sitting right in my chair that I've just finished 
painting. (Deacon jumps up and looks at chair.) 

Deacon. Well, I swan. I never noticed it. 

Mrs. B. Oh, dear me ! Now I've got it all to paint 
over again. 

Enter Tom. 

Tom (pointing at Deacon''s trousers). Ho! ho! ho! 
Look at the Deacon's pants. He's got a dandy coat of 
paint on 'em. 

Mr. B. By gracious ! You've got more on you than 
there is on the chair. 

Mrs. B. Why, it's all over the back of your coat, 
too. 

Deacon (feeling at back and attempting to look at 
it). I don't know what my wife'll say about it. She 
didn't want me to wear these clothes anyway, fear 
something would happen to 'em. 

Mr. B. I guess something's happened, all right. 
I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. 

Tom. Pshaw! I wouldn't care anything about be- 
ing in his shoes, but I wouldn't want to be in his 
pants. 

DeacoNv I guess we'll have to give up the auction. 
I'll have to go home and see if I can't get this off 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 71 

'fore prayer meeting time. But Fm awfully sorry 
about that chair, Mrs. Bunker. 

Mrs. B. Don't worry about that, Deacon. Of 
course I'll have to paint it over, but that isn't a drop 
in the bucket to the trouble it's going to be to get it 
out of your clothes. I pity poor Mrs. Flanders. 

Deacon. We'll get it out some- way between us. 
My wife's pretty good at such things. {Exit L.) 

Mr. B. Well, wife, next time you have a chair to 
paint be sure and put up a sign, "Look out for paint." 

Mrs. B. The next time I paint one I'll put it up in 
the garret to dry where it won't be quite so attractive 
to you men folks. 

Curtain. 



PAT'S LETTER. 



characters. 
Pat O'Brady. Katie O'Reilly. 

Scene: A kitchen. Katie has just finished zvash- 
ing dishes and is cleaning and putting azuay the dish- 
pan. 

Enter Pat, L., very quietly. He stands a moment 
and gases at Katie. 

Katie (turning about quickly and discovering Pat). 
Whisht, Pat, how ye scairt me, ye spalpeen. 

Pat. Well, now, I do declare, yez do be aisy scairt. 

Katie. 'Tis yersilf comes stalin' in so soft an' shtill. 
I didn't iver know yez was here. 

Pat. Have yez got yer w^ork all done already, 
Katie ? 

Katie. Yis; yez don't think I work all day an' all 
night beside, do ye? 

Pat. Well, I've got me own work at the barn done, 
too, an' I jist come in to see if yez wouldn't be afther 
doin' me a bit uv a favor. 



n HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES, 

Katie. Shure an' Til be glad to do it if ye'll tell me 
phwat it is. 

Pat. I want yez to help me write a letter. 

Katie. A letter to who ? 

Pat. To me swateheart. 

Katie. A swateheart? I niver knew yez had wan 
before. Does she be livin' in the ould country? 

Pat. I won't say whether she be livin' here or yon, 
Pwhat I want to know is if yez will help me write a 
letter. Is it ''yis" or "no"? 

Katie. Yis, to be shure Pll help ye, but wheriver 
will yez get paper and pen? 

Pat, Pve got ivrything that's naded right here in 
me pocket, so all ye'U have to do is to set to work at 
once, {Takes pen, ink bottle, one or two sheets of 
paper and envelope from pocket and places them on 
table. Katie sits down to write.) 

Katie. Mebbe the swate girl will not be able to 
rade me writin' whin it's done. 

Pat, 'Twould be a blind person as couldn't make 
out yer illegant hand writin', Miss Katie, 

Katie {ready to ivrite). Well, phwat comes first? 

Pat, Say, '' My Dear Swateheart," 

Katie. Don't yez want me to write her name so 
she'll be shure it's for her own swate silf ? 

Pat. Niver moind about thot. We'll put it on the 
envelope, 

Katie {zvriting). All right, Phwat nixt? 

Pat. Tell her I write this letter to express me love 
fer her. 

Katie {writing). Yis. 

Pat. An' tell her I think uv her the first thing whin 
T wake up in the mornin' an' the lasht thing before 
goin' to slape at night, an' a thousand toimes — 

Katie {writing fast). Wait a bit till Pve caught 
up. {Writes.) There! ''A thousand toimes — " 

Pat, I think uv her a thousand toimes a day no 
matter phwat I'm doin', whether mindin' a harness or 
clanin' oflf a horse. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 73 

Katie {writing). Yis, IVe got thot. 

Pat. Tell her Fve been rakin' an' scrapin' iver since 
I came over to this country, an' now IVe — 

Katie. Hould on! I can't kape up wid ye. {Writes.) 
Phwat nixt? "An' now I'v-e— " 

Pat. An' now I've a nate little sum uv money laid 
by in the bank. 

Katie {zurites, then turns to Pat). D'ye moind 
tellin' me jist how much ye've got laid by, Pat? 

Pat. Can yez kape a sacret? 

Katie. I'll thry awful hard. 

Pat. Well, thin {in lower tone and looking about 
to see if anyone is within hearing). I've got — ye're 
shure yez won't tell nobody? 

Katie. Shure as me name is Katie O'Reilly. 

Pat. I've got jist a hundred and forty-nine dollars 
an' 'liven cints. 

Katie. Faith, an' it's a foine bit uv a nist tgg ye've 
got, Pat. 

Pat. Yes, so it be. Tell her I'm lookin' ahead an' 
dramin' uv the toime whin I shall have a little home 
uv me own. 

Katie {writing). I think I can guess phwat's 
nixt. Ye're goin' to ask her to marry yez. 

Pat. Yis, thot's phwat I was thinkin' uv, but I don't 
know jist how to go about it. Could yiz help me out 
wid this delicate matther, Katie? 

Katie. Why don't yez come right out an' ask her 
to be yer woife, an' not be batin' about the bush? 

Pat. I thought mebbe 'twould look betther on paper 
if 'twas put in illegant language. Don't yez think so? 

Katie. Well, thin, yez might say, '"Twill be awful 
lonesome livin' all by mesilf whin me heart is achin' 
for a companion to share me little home wid me." 

Pat. Thot sounds foine, but will she undershtand 
jist phwat I want? 

Katie. Thin yez might add,''Tf yer moind is favor- 
able to sharin' it wid me, will yez plaze to name the 
day yez will become Mrs. Patrick O'Brady?" 



74 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Pat. Thot's all right. It couldn't be done Setther. 
Tell her to write immejutly, or sooner if possible, for 
Fm waitin' in fear an' tremblin' for the answer thot 
decides me fate. 

Katie {writing). IVe got thot down. 

Pat. Do yez think she'll be afther givin' her con- 
sint, Katie? 

Katie. Uv course, if she's in her right moind. She 
wouldn't be missin' the chance uv a foine young mon 
loike yersilf. 

Pat. Well, I'm hopin' for the bist. Now close it 
wid these words, ''Yours, wid a heart brimful uv love, 
Patrick O'Brady." 

Katie {writing). Now what will yez have on the 
outside? I'm jist dyin' to foind out the name uv the 
swate gurl. 

Pat. The name is — is — oh, what iver shall I say ? 

Katie. Phwat ails ye, Pat? Phwat are yez afraid 
to tell it for? 

Pat. I dunno why I should be, for a foine name it 
is thot. 

Katie. Well, phwat is it? 

Pat. Miss Katie O'Reilly. 

Katie. Phwat? The letter for me? Yez don't mane 
it, Pat. Ye're jokin'. 

Pat. Not a bit uv a joke. I'm in dead earnest, an' 
I'm lookin' for an answer soon. 

Katie {clapping hands). Oh, it's too good to be 
true. Yez can have yer answer now. 

Pat. Will yez accept? 

Katie. I will. 

Pat. Begorra, thin we'll seal it wid a kiss, {Kisses 
her,) 

Quick Curtain. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 75 



READING "THE WEEKLY BANNER." 

characters. 

Mrs. Dusenberry. Mrs. Muggins. 

Bob Dusenberry. 

Bob appears to he busy making a kite during the 
time he is upon the stage, but at the same time is very 
attentive to what is going on about him. 

Scene: Mrs. Dusenberry's kitchen or back porch. 
Enter Mrs. Dusenberry with dish of apples. 

Mrs. D. La, me; I guess I'll get a chance to sit 
down a few minutes while I pare these apples. I've 
been on the go ever since five o'clock this mornin'. 
{Sits doivn and begins to pare apples.) I have to keep 
Ezra supplied with apple pies no matter what happens. 
I never see sech a man as he is for apple pie in my 
born days. He'd eat it three times a day if I'd let him 
an' there w^ouldn't be no livin' with him if he didn't 
have it twice a day anyway. An' Bob is jest like him 
— a chip off the old block. Now as for me I'd ruther 
have plenty of good pork an 'taters an^ beans an' cab- 
bages any day in the week. 

Enter Bob, with kite partly made. 

Bob. Say, ma, Mirandy Muggins is comin' up the 
road. I'll bet she's coming here. 

Mrs. D. I s'pose likely she is. I wonder what she 
wants to borrow now ? 

Bob. Say, ma, if you don't want to see her I'll tell 
her you ain't at home. 

Mrs. D. You needn't trouble yerself. I ain't said I 
didn't want to see her, have I ? 

Bob. I thought you acted it. 

Mrs. D. Wal, you jest 'tend to your own knittin' 
work an' J'll 'tend to mine. {A sound is heard outside.) 

Bob. Here she is now, ma. 



1^ HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Enter Mrs. Muggins with newspaper. 

Mrs. M. Howdy do, Mrs. Dusenberry. I don't stop 
to knock — jest walk right in; that's my way. 

Mrs. D. I'm awful glad to see ye. How be ye? 

Mrs. M. Oh, I'm purty fair-to-middlin'. I've jest 
got the Weekly Banner an' I thought I'd run over an' 
read the news to ye. I allers read 'em to Joshua fust 
when he's home, but he's gone over to Billy Mack's 
auction today, so you see I'm all alone. 

Mrs. D. Ezra's gone over there, too, but he ain't 
goin' to stay long. 

Mrs. M. I allers like to have somebody 'round when 
I read the news so's we can talk 'em over together. 
Don't you like that way better ? 

Mrs. D. Yes. Ezra allers reads the paper out loud. 

Mrs. M. {opening paper). I wonder what's in the 
paper this week anyway. I allers start off with the 
deaths an' marriages fust an' then branch off onto so- 
ciables an' visitors an' sech like. '{She adjusts glasses 
and looks at paper.) Humph! There don't seem to be 
any deaths this week. Now ain't that funny ? 

Bob. I'll bet everybody's been taking them stomach 
bitters that feller was sellin' 'round here last month. 
Must be pretty good stuff. 

Mrs. M. Wal, if there ain't any deaths I can't read 
'em, so I'll try the marriages. {Looks at paper.) Oh, 
here's a weddin', or goin' to be one. 

Mrs. D. Who is it? I ain't heerd of anybody goin' 
to get married. 

Mrs. M. Wal, I swan! It's somebody you never 
thought of, nor me either. Here's jest what it says: 
{Reads.) 

''A marriage license has just been granted to Mr. 
Simon Brink and Almira Jepson." 

Mrs. D. So Almira's goin' to jump the broomstick 
at last, is she? Wal, I never! 

Mrs. M. That 'most took my breath away. Why, 
nobody ever thought they'd come to the pint. They've 
been goin' together for twenty years, anyway. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 77 

Mrs. D. Yes, all of that. They was goin' together 
that year I had the quiltin' bee to our house — time we 
made the quilt that's on my spare bed — an' let me see, 
that was twenty-one years ago in April. 

Bob. Say, ma, what they goin' to jump over the 
broomstick for? 

Mrs. D. Land! Ain't you never heerd tell about 
jumpin' the broomstick? It means gettin' married. 

Bob. Say, I bet when they do get married she'll 
take the broomstick to him worse'n you do to pa. 

Mrs. M. Jest hear this', will ye? {Reads.) 

'*Lem Haskett has traded his house and barn at 
Blinkley's Corners for an automobile. Moses Green, 
the new owner, will take possession the first of the 
month." Now what d'ye think about that? An' he 
'most eighty years old. 

Mrs. D. The fools ain't all dead yet. It's jest about 
as much sense as I - thought he had. The older he 
gets the less he knows. 

Bob. Then bimeby he w^on't know any more'n a 
two-year-old baby, will he ma? 

Mrs. M. Wal, he warn't never overstocked 'cordin' 
to my opinion. But what's he goin' to do for a place 
to eat an' sleep I'd like to know. He can't do neither 
one in an ortermobile. 

Mrs. D. I s'pose probably he'll go an' live 'long with 
his son over to Pikeville. 

Bob. Gee ! I'll bet he gets his head busted with 
that old benzine buggy. 

Mrs. M. {looking at paper). Wal, I declare! What 
won't happen next! (Reads.) 

''Miss Mabel Dodd will give a whooping cough 
party at her home in Smith Hollow next Friday even- 
ing. About twenty of her friends, all of whom are 
afflicted with the malady, have been invited." 

Mrs. D. a whoopin' cough party? Whoever heerd 
the like? An' twenty of 'em you say? My land! The 
hull town must be havin' it. Be they goin' to give a 
prize to the one that whoops the loudest? 



78 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mrs. M. I dunno 'bout that. It don't say. But I 
remember when I had it, there was fifteen in our 
family had it all at once. 

Mrs. D. Was there any more left to have it, Mi- 
randy ? 

Mrs. M. Wal, no; 'cause you see four of 'em had 
had it already. 

Bob. Gee whilliken! Don't I wish there was nine- 
teen in our family. Wouldn't we have a regular Sun- 
day School picnic? You bet. {Gives long whistle.) 
'Twould be jest like a s'prise party all the time. 

Mrs. D. I guess 'twould be more like a lunatic 
asylum if they was all like you, 

Mrs. M. Dear me! There was an awful big fire 
over to Squashville last week. (Reads.) 

"Jim Podger's hogpen and smokehouse were burned 
to the ground last Wednesday evening about eleven 
o'clock. One hog and four hams were also consumed. 
The fire is supposed to have started from the smoke- 
house." 

Bob. Does that count the two hams that was on 
the hog. Mis' Muggins? 

Mrs. M. Goodness me! I dunno 'bout that. I don't 
s'pose it does. 

Bob. 'Cause if it don't that makes six hams in all 
that was burned. 

Mrs. D. My sakes ! It's a wonder it didn't burn his 
new barn. 

Mrs. M. I s'pose likely the wind was in t'other 
direction or 'twould have gone. 

Mrs. D. Now if't had been mine everything would 
have burned down slick and clean, house an' all. That 
would have been jest my luck. I tell ye, Mrs. Mug- 
gins, some folks is born lucky an' some ain't. 

Bob. Well, 'tain't very good luck to have a hog burn 
up, is it? 

Mrs. M. Here's some more news. (Reads.) 

"Betsy Ann Bogardus of Woodchuck Hill is visit- 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 79 

ing her niece, Mrs. Hiram Titus, for a couple of 
weeks/' 

Mrs. D. Wal, now, Td like to see Aunt Betsy aw- 
ful well. I've a good mind to ask her over to supper 
some day. 

Mrs. M. IVe heerd tell how she's lookin' for an- 
other man. 

Mrs. D. You don't say ! Why, it don't seem more'n 
three months since Steve Bogardus took sick of pneu- 
mony an' died. Aunt Betsy thought Steve Bogardus 
made the world, too, but then I s'pose she must get 
awful lonesome livin' all alone. I dunno's I blame 
her for wantin' to get another man. 

Mrs. M. That's jest as people think. Now as for 
me, if Joshua should kick the bucket I wouldn't think 
of gettin' married agin in less'n a year, but then there's 
some folks would be all ready an' even baitin' their 
hook for another one the next day. 

Mrs. D. Wal, I do hope she'll find some one jest as 
good as Steve was. 

Mrs. M. I've been thinkin' of Silas Doolittle. If 
she could only catch him she'd have a good home. 

Mrs. D. Now you speak of it, I've got a good no- 
tion to ask 'em both over to supper some time next 
week. 

Bob. Ho! ho! ho! She'd get a prize if she got old 
Si Doolittle. Why, he's too old to get married. 

Mrs. D. I guess there ain't anybody too old to get 
married if they feel like it an' can find anybody to 
have 'em. 

Mrs. M. Seems to be lots of news this week. 
{Reads.) 

''A donation will be held at the parsonage next 
Wednesday evening for the benefit of the pastor, Rev. 
John Scroggs. It is hoped that there will be a large 
attendance as the minister is almost out of coal." 

Mrs. D. Wal, I hope they'll get something besides 
apples an' cabbages this year. Everybody carried them 



80 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

last year 'cause they was so plenty an' wasn't hardly 
wuth sellin'. 

Mrs. M. You're right, Mrs. Dusenberry. A minis- 
ter's family can't live on biled cabbages an' apple sass 
all the time any more'n other folks. 

Bob. I'll bet they made most of them cabbages into 
sauer kraut, 'cause Jimmy Scroggs used to bring it to 
school every day last winter. 

Mrs. M. I've got my mind all made up what I'm 
goin' to carry. It's one of them fancy sofy pillers 
that Martha an' me made last summer. 

Bob. Gee ! A sofy piller won't buy much coal, wil) 
it. Mis' Muggins ? 

Mrs. M. Wal, I guess they'll want something else 
besides coal, an' they can't buy no sech nice pillers in 
the store neither. 

Mrs. D. For my part, I never tried to buy any, so 
I ain't no jedge. I allers have to make mine or go 
without. 

Mrs. M. Now listen to this, Mrs. Dusenberry. If 
we ain't gettin' to be real cityfied right here in Pun- 
kin Center. Speakin' 'bout stores, Cal. Wiggins is 
goin' to have a real out-an'-out bargain day jest like 

they have in an' . {Name any local 

places.) 

Mrs. D. You don't say ! Does it tell what he's goin' 
to sell cheap? 

Mrs. M. Why, yes ; he's got seven-cent calico for 
six an' three-quarters cents, an' blue checked shirtin' 
that he's been gettin' twelve cents for he's goin' to 
sell for 'leven and a half cents. 

Mrs. D. I've got to get some shirtin' for Ezra. 
He ain't had any new shirts in two years. When's it 
goin' to be? 

Mrs. M. I ain't found out yet? — oh, yes — it's Sat- 
urday. Why, that's tomorrer. 

Mrs. D. Say, let's you an' me arrange to go down 
together, Mirandy. 

Mrs. M. So we will, an' now I must be goin', I've 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 81 

got to read the news to old Mis' Sniffles. (Starts to 
go, then turns quickly.) Oh, say, Td most forgot. 
Martha wanted us to practice up on that song for the 
Farmers' Picnic while I'm here."^' 

Mrs. D. La, me, I dunno if I can sing it or not. 

Bob. Yes, you can, ma. I heard you singing it this 
morning. 

Mrs. D. I'll do the best I can anyway. 

{They may sing some old-fashioned song.) 

Mrs. M. Wal, good-bye, Mrs. Dusenberry. I'll be 
over here in time to go to that bargain sale tomorrer 
mornin' unless something dreadful happens in the 
meantime. (Exit.) 

Bob. Gee! She makes me sick every time she comes. 

Mrs. M. Lawsy me, I'd forgot them pies, an' now 
you an' your pa won't have any for dinner. 

Bob. Jimminy Crickets! No pie for dinner. 
{Exeunt.) 

Curtain. 

*NoTE. — // desired, the singing may be omittted. 
In that case omit also the remarks which refer to it. 



82 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 



ROSES AND. ROMANCES. 

characters. 

Ephraim Smith ) ^ .' ^ . 

Elijah Smith } ^^^^ Brothers. 

Miss Sears. 

Miss Bliss. 
Scene I : A sitting room at Ephraim's home. The 
general appearance of the room indicates the need of 
a housekeeper, 

Ephraim is discovered seated with paper in hand, 
Ephraim. I never thought I should ever come to 
the point of seeking a wife through a matrimonial 
paper. Of course there are plenty of good, sensible 
girls right here in this town, but the trouble is Fm 
so tormented bashful I don't dare pop the question 
to any of them. Funny I should have found this mat- 
rimonial paper on the street as I did, and then to have 
my attention drawn at once to that young lady's ad- 
vertisement. It just seems sometimes as if such things 
were destined to be so and the means for bringing 
them about develop in spite of ourselves. At any rate 
the advertisement just took my fancy and the cor- 
respondence since then hasn't lessened my estimation 
of the young lady. Let's see, it said she was twenty- 
five years old, didn't it? {Looks at paper,) That isn't 
bad. {Reads,) Fairly good looking but not beautiful." 
Well, ''beauty is but skin deep," so it'll be all right 
provided she's got a good heart and her disposition is 
right. It says she's a Christian — that'll suit me. 
{Reads.) ''Desires a good home." Well, she'll find as 
good a home here as one can wish for. Now let's see 
what kind of a man she wants. {Reads.) "Age some- 
where between twenty-five and forty." Well, I'm 
thirty-two and a little over, so that's a pretty good 
average. {Reads.) "Industrious." Humph ! I've never 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 83 

heard anyone say I was lazy or shiftless. (Reads.) 
''Must have no bad habits/' Now I wonder if I have 
got any bad habits. I can't think of any unless it is 
going to sleep in church and Til have to break myself 
of that. Now let's read. the letter again. (Reads let- 
ter which he takes from pocket.) 
Dear Ephraim: 

I received your letter and photograph. I have placed 
your picture on the shelf beside the clock where I can 
see it often. Whenever I look at the two — the clock 
and your picture — I am reminded that the time will 
not be long before I shall see you in your own home 
(which I hope some day to call my own also) if every- 
thing turns out as satisfactorily as we have planned 
it. I shall arrive on the train reaching Granville about 
five o'clock. You will know me by a red rose which 
I will wear on my waist. I wish you would also wear 
one on your coat lapel. 

Good-bye till we see each other. 

Minnie. 

Well, I hope everything turns out right. I must go 
now and see about getting a rose. I'll get an ''Ameri- 
can Beauty." (Exit.) 

Curtain. 

Scene II : The shed of a railway station. Signs 
over the doors indicate ''Waiting Room'' ''To the 
Trains,'' etc, A prolonged whistle in the distance, 
ringing of bell, rolling of weights on floor, etc., indi- 
cate the arrival of train. The conductor's "All aboard,'' 
ringing of bell and spatting of cushion with hand in- 
dicate the departure of train. All this takes place be- 
Iiind the scenes. Various people carrying suit cases, 
etc., cross the stage as if coming from train. 

Enter Ephraim, looking from one to another. 

Ephraim. I haven't seen anything of that red rose 
yet, and I've lost mine somewhere, so she won't know 

"^^- Enter Miss Bliss, R., with rose in hand. 



84 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Ephraim. Ah, here's my turtle dove. {Rushes up 
to her,) Well, my dear, you found the way all right. 

Miss B. {aside). My! How affectionate he acts. 
{Aloud.) This is Mr. Smith, isn't it? 

Ephraim. Yes, ma'am, that's what they call me — 
Ephraim Smith. 

Miss B. Were you afraid I wouldn't come? 

Ephraim. Oh, no, not at all ; but I was looking for 
the rose. I didn't see it at first. 

Miss B. {aside). How funny! I found this on the 
platform. {Aloud.) You seem to be fond of roses. 

Ephraim. It depends where they are. My heart's 
been yearning for you a good while, dearest. 

Miss B. {aside). The man is either lovesick or 
crazy. {Aloud.) I s'pose you get tired of living alone 
and not having anyone to see to your cooking. 

Ephraim. It isn't all the cooking. I desire more 
than all a helpmate — a companion — one whom I can 
confide in at all times both in joy and sorrow. 

Miss B. I thought I was coming to be your house- 
keeper. 

Ephraim. Not a housekeeper alone, but a home- 
keeper as well. If it's agreeable to you, let's not put 
off the happy event any longer, but go direct to the 
minister's and have the knot tied. 

yiiss^. {aside). Why, the idea! {Aloud.) Isn't it 
rather sudden, Mr. Smith — something like love at first 
sight ? 

Ephraim. Why, no, considering the correspondence 
we have had. 

Miss B. {aside). What correspondence, I wonder. 

Ephraim. What do you say — is it ''y^s" or "no"? 

Miss B. It's awful sudden, but I guess I'll say 
"Yes." {Aside.) He seems to be a good man and 
I've waited a good many years for that question. 
{Exeunt L.) 

Miss Sears, who has been wandering anxiously in 
and out of waiting room during the above conversa- 
tion, now approaches center of stage. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 85 

Miss S. Dear me! I don't see why Ephraim doesn't 
come. He wrote me he would be sure to meet me at 
the station. Here Fve come two hundred miles pur- 
pose to se.e him and if things don't turn out well now 
I shall be so sorry I advertised in that matrimonial 
paper. Maybe something has delayed him or maybe 
he was here and couldn't find me because I was fool- 
ish enough to lose my rose. Why, here he comes now. 
1 know because he wears a lovely rose. 

Enter Elijah. Miss S. rushes up to him. 

Miss S. Oh, Ephraim, I'm so glad you've come. 
I began to think maybe you'd forgotten me. My ! 
Such a beautiful rose you have. {Smells it.) Why, 
you look just like your picture. I should have known 
you in China. I believe we're going to suit each other 
nicely, don't you? 

Elijah. Haven't you made a mistake, lady? My 
name isn't Ephraim. 

Miss S. Aren't you Mr. Smith? 

Elijah. I am Elijah Smith, but not Ephraim. 
Ephraim and me are twin brothers. 

Miss S. Oh, dear ! What shall I do ? I expected him 
here to meet me. We were to be married if everything 
was satisfactory. 

Elijah. What? You and Ephraim going to be mar- 
ried? Funny I hadn't heard him mention it. 

Miss S. We were each to wear a rose, but I lost 
mine in getting off the car. 

Elijah. And I found this one up the road a piece. 

Miss S. I had lotted so much upon this first meet- 
ing and now to have it fizzle out. Oh, dear ! 

Elijah. I was expecting a lady on this same train. 
She was coming to take the place of my old house- 
keeper who quit last week. You see Ephraim and me 
are both old bach's and live on adjoining farms. 

Miss S. Well, I must say your brother is a "gay 
deceiver." 



86 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Elijah. I guess that's so. He's played you a mean 
trick, Miss — by the way what is your name? 

Miss S. Miss Minnie Sears. 

Elijah. Well, now, Miss Sears, since we've both 
been disappointed, IVe a proposition to make. I like 
your appearance pretty well, and I need a woman aw- 
ful bad to look after things at home ; so I suggest that 
I take Ephraim's place in this deal. 

Miss S. Oh, will you? I shall be delighted. I know 
you're a good man. 

Elijah. And you'll have a mighty good home with 
me. We'll get married this evening. 

Miss S. Oh, Elijah, I don't know how to thank you. 

Elijah. There'll be enough ways to thank me. 
You don't need to do it all at once. But now we've 
got that matter decided on there's no use staying here 
any longer. {They start toward L.) By George! 
Here comes Ephraim now — and who's he got with 
him? 

Enter Ephraim and Miss Bliss. 

Ephraim. Well, well, I guess there's been a big 
mistake here. I don't know how we're ever going to 
get things straightened out again. Lige, this is Miss 
Bliss — the lady that came to see about keeping house 
for you. {To Miss Sears.) And I judge this must 
be Miss Sears. I certainly owe you an apology. 

Miss S. It's all right, Ephraim. I -was disappointed 
at first, but Elijah and I have come to an understand- 
ing in the matter, and — well, I expect to be your 
neighbor after this. 

Ephraim. That so? Well, I haven't any fault to 
find with that arrangement. 

Elijah. How about Miss Bliss? 

Miss B. I shall be provided for. I have taken a life 
job of cooking for Ephraim. 

Ephraim. Things have turned out pretty satisfac- 
tory after all, even if the roses did get mixed. 

Curtain. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES, 87 



SOCIETY IN SPICERVILLE. 

characters. 
Mr. Brooks. Mrs. Brooks. 

Scene: A sitting room in the Brooks home. 

Mr. and Mrs. Brooks discovered seated. 

Mrs. B. Mrs. Brownell was over this morning, 
dear. 

]\Ir. B. Well, what new scheme has she got under 
her bonnet now? Something important, I imagine. 

Mrs. B. Why, yes. She's organizing a new club. 

Mr. B. Great Caesar! A new club? What's it for 
this time? 

Mrs. B. It's a Literary Workers' Club. 

Mr. B. I was not aware there were any literary 
workers here in Spicerville. 

Mrs. B. Oh, yes, there are. Mrs. Peters is the local 
contributor to the Weekly Banner and — and Mrs. 
Greenbaum wrote a poem once for the ''Pacific 
Monthly." It was a grand poem. 

Mr. B. Come back again, didn't it? 

Mrs. B. \\'hy, yes. But the fact that her poem was 
returned by the magazine doesn't make her any the 
less a literary worker, does it? 

Mr. B. That depends upon whether there was any 
literary merit in the poem. 

]\Irs. B. There certainly was. All the ladies read it 
and pronounced it a masterpiece. 

Mr. B. I see my mistake. I perceive that there is 
more talent in this town than I have given it credit 
for. 

Mrs. B. Then, of course, we're all interested in the 
study of literature. 

Mr. B. Um — yes. I suppose you've consented to 
join it. 



88 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES, 

Mrs. B. Why, really, I don't see how I can do any 
other way. Mrs. Brownell was one of the first to join 
my Physical Culture Club. 

Mr. B. It's an old saying that "Turn about is fair 
play," but I can't see for the life of me how you're 
ever going to crowd all the meetings of your various 
clubs into one short week. You must belong to a 
dozen clubs already, don't you? 

Mrs. B. Mercy, no. I only belong to six*counting 
this last one. 

Mr. B. Are you sure it's only six? 

Mrs. B. Quite sure. 

Mr. B. {counting on fingers). Well, let's see. On 
Monday evening is the — 

Mrs. B. The Anti-Gossip Society. 

Mr. B. That's what you call it, but I can't see that 
gossip has decreased very m_uch since it started. 

Mrs. B. We're stopping it by degrees. It takes time. 

Mr. B. Good things come slow — tremendously slow. 

Mrs. B. Well, if you should visit some of our 
meetings Tm sure you would notice a great improve- 
ment. 

Mr. B. Thank you, I don't care to intrude. All 
IVe got to say is, that from my observation of women 
IVe come to the conclusion that it's absolutely impos- 
sible for them to cease from gossiping 

Mrs. B. Indeed! And what I have to say is that 
the women are no bigger gossips than men. If you 
can find a group of women anywhere that can gossip 
as much in one hour as that crowd of men that gather 
down to Bink's store every night can do in ten min- 
utes, I'd like to have you point it out to me. It occurs 
to me I've seen your face in that assemblage, too. 

Mr. B. Um-m. Let's proceed with those other so- 
cieties. On Tuesday evening is the — 

Mrs. B. The society for the proper training and 
care of babies. 

Mr. B. Say, my dear, how many babies are there 
in that society of yours? 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 89 

Mrs. B. Why — er — there's only one now. 

Mr. B. That's what IVe heard. Say, can you tell 
me what these old maids that belong to it know about 
taking care of babies? 

Mrs. B. We haven't any of us learned very much 
about it yet. You see the club hasn't been running- 
long. 

Mr. B. Well, it's my opinion you ought to change 
the name to ''The Society for the Proper Training and 
Care of Poodle Dogs." I'll guarantee there are more 
poodle dogs than babies. 

Mrs. B. I won't dispute your word about that. In 
fact, I know there are. Miss Bunson and Miss Clancy 
both have poodles, but they say they'd rather have 
them about the house than a man any day, especially 
the kind they've seen around Spicerville. 

Mr. B. Um-m ; yes. I surmise that there's more 
than one reason for it. Let's proceed, however, with 
those societies. Wednesday evening is next, isn't it? 

Mrs. B. The Physical Culture Club meets then. 

Mr. B. The Physical Torture Club, as John Bobbs 
calls it. John says they do some mighty queer stunts 
there. 

Mrs. B. What does John Bobbs know about it ? 

Mr. B. Search me. I suppose he hears his wife tell 
about it when she gets home. Henry Myers says his 
wife used to put him through some of the tricks when 
she first joined. It used to make him so lame that he 
finally rebelled. 

Mrs. B. The idea ! And you believe all that non- 
sense, do you? 

Mr. B. Why shouldn't I? He's a justice of the 
peace. 

Mrs. B. He certainly isn't acting in his official ca- 
pacaity when he tells such yarns as that. 

Mr. B. There's one thing that puzzles me, and that 
is how you women folks can go through with such 
circus performances and be laced up as tight as some 
of you are. 



90 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mrs. B. Do you know what you're talking about, 
Mr. Brooks? 

Mr. B. I know one thing — Fd make a fool of my- 
self if I were to put a straight- jacket on and then go 
to trying some of the things Joh.n Bobbs and Henry 
Myers say their wives do. 

Mrs. B. I should think those men could find enough 
to do without discussing the women's affairs. Don't 
they have any work? 

Mr. B. Oh, they're right on to their job most of 
the time. 

Mrs. B. Yes, holding down nail kegs. If we women 
made as big fools of ourselves in one week as you 
men make of yourselves every day of your lives, we'd 
be ashamed to be seen on the streets. 

Mr. B. Now, Marie. 

Mrs. B. It's so. I wonder if you've forgotten the 
time you went to George Halcomb's sugar party and 
sat down in Miss Wright's dish of sugar, or the time 
you took Mrs. Goodfellow and Mrs. Tilson boat rid- 
ing and fell over the side of the boat and th.ey had 
to pull you out? And then that time you and Henry 
Myers put on roller skates down at the rink — 

Mr. B. Never mind, my dear. Let's finish counting 
up those societies. Where were we at? Oh, Thursday 
—that's the Aid Society. 

Mrs. B. Prayer meeting is on Thursday evening, 
you know, and our Society for the Social Advance- 
ment and Spiritual Education of the Heathen comes 
in the afternoon. 

Mr. B. Great Scott! That's a new one, isn't it? I 
thought the Aid Society came then. 

Mrs. B. It used to be the Aid Society, but we 
changed the name. 

Mr. B. Well, you've got name enough now. I sup- 
pose there wasn't enough style about the other one. 

Mrs. B. That wasn't the reason we changed it. The 
present name indicates our mission much better than 
the old one. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 91 

Mr. B. Let me suggest that instead of wasting your 
time and energy on the ungrateful heathen of other 
lands that you change the name of your society again 
as well as its mission. 

Mrs. B. What would you change it to? 

Mr. B. The Society for the Improvement of Do- 
mestic Sociability and for the Better Treatment of 
Neglected Husbands. 

Mrs. B. That name is worse than ours. 

Mr. B. It's all right when you get used to it. 

Mrs. B. Fm afraid it will be a good while before 
we get used to it. 

Mr. B. Well, if you don't want to give up the 
heathen you might start this one as a side line to some 
other club. 

Mrs. B. I think it would be quite appropriate to 
start it as an adjunct to the heathen society. 

Mr. B. Um-m. What's next? What comes on Fri- 
day? 

Mrs. B. The Society for the Promotion of Woman's 
Suffrage. 

Mr. B. Oh, pshaw ! That's an old chestnut. 

Mrs. B. We're gaining every day. The papers say 
so. 

Mr. B. Then I suppose you think you'll have the 
right to vote for president soon. 

Mrs. B. If we do, we'll show the men a thing or 
two. We'll show them how to get rid of some of the 
bosses. We won't have bosses in our domestic life, 
neither will we have them in our public life. 

Mr. B. I see you're bound to have the last word 
every time. What society comes Saturday? 

Mrs. B. We're going to have our literary society 
then. 

Mr. B. And Sunday? 

Mrs. B. Why, nothing except our Bible Society. 

Mr. B. Is that all? Aren't you going to start- any 
more new ones? 



92 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mrs. B. Mrs. Grover wants to start one for the 
study of occult science and the advancement of psy- 
chologic research. 

Mr. B. Please explain. I'm not up on dictionary 
terms. 

Mrs. B. Why, psychologic pertains to the soul. 

Mr. B. My soul! What won't you think of next? 
Say, I've got an idea that if you got up a society for 
darning socks and mending common everyday pants, 
it would be about as useful a one as you could think 
of. 

Mrs. B. But, my dear, we don't have time for such 
things. 

Mr. B. Why not work it in along with. Mrs. Gro- 
ver's psychologic society? 

Mrs. B. That would never do. They would mix 
about as well as oil and water. {Suddenly, as if a 
new thought had occurred to her.) But I'll see what 
I can do. I think perhaps I can manage it some way, 
John. 

Mr. B. Well, I must go to the office now, dear. 
Think it over. It's a chance for each and every one 
of you to win the everlasting esteem and gratitude of 
your long-suffering husbands. 

Curtain. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 93 



THE TAILOR-MADE SUIT. 

characters. 

Mr. Dodd. Mrs. Dodd. Mrs. Graham. 
BiLLY^ a messenger boy. 

Scene: A sitting room. 

Enter Mrs. Dodd, wearing an elaborate gown and 
carrying a gorgeously trimmed hat. 

Mrs. D. Fm going to give John a surprise when he 
comes home, by wearing my new hat and gown. I 
know he'll be surprised, too, when he finds how 
much they cost; but I really can't help it. I couldn't 
go to that Simpson-Brownell wedding with anything 
less expensive than these. Some of my friends paid a 
good deal more for their outfits than I did. It's a 
good thing, however, that such stylish affairs don't 
occur every d^y. If they did John would be bankrupt. 
(Noise outside.) There! He's coming now. 
Enter Mr. Dodd, R.^ with package. 

Mr. D. Hello, I've got here at last. Had to stop 
in at Jenks' and get my new suit. {Notices Mrs. D.'s 
suit.) Well, well, what's all this? Your new rig, eh? 

Mrs. D. Do you think it looks well enough to wear 
to Helen Brownell's wedding? 

Mr. D. Good enough ? Well, I should say ! That 
hat's a swell affair, isn't it? 

Mrs. D. And don't you think this gown is a beau- 
tiful creation? 

Mr. D. It's a regular stunner. But say, I'll bet it 
cost all creation, too, didn't it? 

Mrs. D. It didn't cost so much as Marie Babcock's. 
Her's cost two hundred dollars. 

Mr. D. Great Scott! You don't mean to say it 
cost — 

Mrs. D. Mine only cost one hiandred and twenty- 
five dollars. 



94 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES, 

Mr. D. Well, that's enough. My suit only cost 
forty dollars. 

Mrs. D. That's different. Women's clothes always 
cost more than men's. I think I got a real bargain. 
It's almost as nice as Marie's, even if she did pay so 
much more. Just see how fine and thin this is. {Holds 
skirt for him to examine.) 

Mr. D. {holding pocketbook). Just see how thin 
this is, too. 

Mrs. D. Oh, John, you're bound to tease me. You 
know you'd be ashamed of me if I were not dressed 
as well as the other ladies at the wedding. 

Mr. D. Well, I won't be ashamed of you in that 
toggery, Fm sure. Really you do look swell and no 
fooling about it, either. 

Mrs. D. I'm awfully glad to hear you say it. I 
knew you'd think so. But did. I hear you say you'd 
got your new suit from Jenks? 

Mr. D. Yes, just brought it home. 

Mrs. D. Have you tried it on? 

Mr. D. Not since it was finished. Haven't had time 
yet. 

Mrs. D. Well, why don't you go and try it on now ? 
I'd like to see how it looks. 

Mr. D. Want to see if you'll be ashamed of me? 

Mrs. Di No, not that ; but of course I'm interested 
in having you look nice. 

Mr. D. Well, I'll try it on to please you, but I 
know it's a perfect fit beforehand. I can always trust 
Jenks. {Exit L, with package.) 

Mrs. D. {promenading hack and forth and looking 
at dress admiringly) . My, I've just fallen in love with 
this dress. I'd like to wear it all the time. I expected 
John would make an awful fuss about paying so much, 
but he acted real good about it. I'll have to keep him 
in good humor until after the bill is settled. {A knock 
is heard. Mrs. D. goes to door at R.) 
Enter Mrs. Graham. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 95 

Mrs. D. Good evening, Mrs. Graham. 

Mrs. G. Good evening, Mrs. Dodd. I just thought 
rd have to run over and see your new dress. Why, 
you've got it on. Isn't it perfectly lovely? (Mrs. D. 
turns about while Mrs. G. examines it.) Such a lovely 
fit, too. 

Mrs. D. It's the first dress I've had in a long time 
that has fit so nicely. 

Mrs. G. It couldn't possibly fit any better, that's 
certain. 

Mrs. D. Mrs. Graham, you don't know how pleased 
I am with it. Why, I'm just infatuated with it. I just 
put it on this evening to surprise John. 

Mrs. G. Of course he likes it? He can't help it. 

Mrs. D. Yes, he calls it a stunner. 

Mrs. G. {looking at hat). And your new hat matches 
it so nicely, too. Why, I'll bet you had to pay as 
much as two hundred dollars for the two. 

Mr. D. {outside). Well, Susie, I've got them on 
{Looks in door and sees Mrs. G.) Oh., I beg pardon. 
Didn't know there was anyone here. 

Mrs. G. Oh, don't mind me in the least. 

Mrs. D. Never fnind, John. It's only Mrs. Graham. 

Enter Mr. D., wearing a suit much too small for 
him. To avoid a hasty change, he may wear an ordi- 
nary sized pair of trousers and light overcoat over 
the smaller suit on first entrance. Thus he will have 
only to remove outer garments. 

Mr. D. How do you like the fit, ladies ? 
{Both ladies laugh heartily.) 

Mrs. D. Why, John, is that your new suit? The 
idea! It's about ten sizes too small. Just look at the 
sleeves and the trouser legs and that gap between your 
trousers and vest. 

Mr. D. It does fit a little too soon, that's a fact. 

Mrs. D. Well, I should say so. It's horrible. 

Mrs. G. Don't you think there's some mistake, Mr. 
Dodd? It's ridiculous to think that a tailor would 



96 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

send out such a fit as that. It would ruin his repu- 
tation. 

Mr. D. I can't understand it. It's the very same 
pattern as mine and it's made up just as mine was to 
be made, except the size. 

Mrs. D. Well, it doesn't require glasses to see that 
the size is wrong. Why, I wouldn't be seen on the 
street with it to say nothing of wearing it to a wed- 
ding. 

Mr. D. I haven't paid him yet. He'll have to make 
it right. 

Mrs. D. Yes, but the wedding is tomorrow night. 
He won't have time to make a new suit. 

Mr. D. Looks as if I'd have to rent one for the 
occasion, then. 

Mrs. D. Dear me ! Everybody will know it's a rented 
suit. If it was any ordinary wedding I wouldn't care 
so much about it, but to think of having to go to a 
grand affair like that with somebody else's clothes on. 
It's enough to make a body cry. 

Mr. D. Let the tailor do that. I'm not going to 
shed any tears over it. I'm going right down there 
now and relieve my mind a little. 

Mrs. G. I can't think of Mr. Jenks making such a 
blunder as that. There must be a mixup somewhere. 

Mr. D. There'll be a bigger mixup when I get 
through with him. (Starts toward R.) 

Mrs. D. You aren't going to wear those things 
down there, are you ? 

Mr. D. Why not ? Then he can see for himself. 

Mrs. D. But I wouldn't want to make such a show 
of myself on the streets. (A sound of whistling is 
heard outside, followed by a quick knock. Mrs. D. 
goes to door.) 

Enter Messenger Boy, goes to Mr. D. 

Boy. Is this Mr. Dodd ? 

Mr. D. It is. 

Boy. Here's a suit of clothes Mr. Jenks sent and 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 97 

says as how the ones you have belong to Mr. Slater. 
He wants me to bring 'em back right away. 

Mr. D. Well, you'll have to wait until I take them 
off, young man. {He unwraps package and removes 
suit.) I should think your employer would be more 
careful. 

Boy. He says he gave you the right package but you 
laid it down again and then picked up this one by 
mistake. 

Mr. D. O-o-oh! 

Mrs. G. I thought it would come out all right. Mr. 
Jenks is a pretty careful man. 

Mr. D. Yes, so he is. Fd trust him any time. 
{Hurries off stage.) 

Mrs. D. And now we'll be all right for the wed- 
ding after all. 

Curtain. 

// desired Mr. D. may hastily slip the larger trousers 
over the smaller ones and change coats. The curtain 
may then he raised again for a moment while Mr. 
and Mrs. D. step to center of stage and bow to 
audience. 



98 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES, 



THE THANKSGIVING DINNER. 

characters. 
Hiram Boggs. Henry Peters. 

Nate Goodman. Martha Boggs. 

Albert Turner. Mrs. Peters. 

Grandpa Peters. Jennie Peters. 
Tom Peters. Nancy Jenkins. 

The Peters family wear very patched clothing; 
Mr. Turner is well dressed; all others wear plain 
clothing. 

Scene I : An old-fashioned sitting room, 

Mr. Boggs is discovered reading a newspaper. Mrs. 
Boggs is knitting. 

Mr. B. Fve jist bin readin' 'bout the big dinner 
they're gettin' up in the city on Thanksgivin', Martha. 

Mrs. B. That's nothin' new. Them grandees are 
allers gettin' up a big splurge, or banquet, or somethin' 
'nuther. 

Mr. B. But this one hain't got nothin' to do with 
the grandees. It's got up for the poor folks — them 
as can't afford to buy a real bang-up Thanksgivin' 
dinner for themselves. 

Mrs. B. Funny I didn't see it in the paper. What 
else does it say 'bout it? Who's gettin' it up? 

Mr. B. Why, it's a church society, I guess, an' 
they expect to feed 'bout five hundred men, women 
an' children altogether. 

Mrs. B. My ! What a lot of 'em ! They must have 
had to piece a lot of bed quilts to raise all that 
money. Don't say what they're goin' to eat, does it? 

Mr. B. It don't say. I s'pose likely they'll have 
more'n just cofifee an' doughnuts. 

Mrs. B. Don't think of goin', do ye, pa? 

Mr. B. Hain't been invited yet. There's a number 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 99 

of people right here in Squashville though, that need 
to be invited. 

Mrs. B. What? You don't mean to say there's 
folks livin' right here that can't afford to buy a 
Thanksgivin' dinner? 

Mr. B. That's jest what I do, an' they ain't fur 
off, neither. ' 

Mrs. B. Wal, who be they, for land sakes? 

Mr. B. One of 'em's Uncle Nate Goodman. I 
don't s'pose he's had a good square meal since he 
broke his leg an' had to quit work. 

Mrs. B. That's so; I didn't think of him. 

Mr. B. Then there's Nancy Jenkins, that goes out 
scrubbin'. If she gets a good meal it comes by pretty 
hard knocks. 

Mrs. B. Yes, she desarves a good meal if any- 
body does, poor old soul. 

Mr. B. An' that ain't all. There's the Peterses 
down on the Mill road, an' Mrs. Si Filkins, an' — oh, 
I guess there's enough of 'em. 

Mrs. B. But how in the world would they get 
there ? 

Mr. B. Get where? To the city? I don't s'pose 
they've been invited any more'n we have. There's 
probably enough poor folks in the city without 
comin' 'way out here for 'em. 

Mrs. B. It does seem a pity they can't be invited 
somewhere's jest for once. Say^ Hiram, I've got 
an idee! 

Mr. B. Wal, what is it? Ye're all the time gettin' 
idees into your head. 

Mrs. B. Let's get up a big dinner an' invite 'em all 
over here on Thanksgivin'. We're goin' to be all 
alone this year. It'll do us all sorts of good to see 
'em eat. 

Mr. B. That's jist what I was thinkin' of myself 
but I didn't dast say so. 

Mrs. B. I know ye're awful 'fraid to say what ye 
think. To tell the truth, I guess ye hadn't thought 



100 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

much about it. How long is it 'fore Thanksgivin' any- 
way? {Gets calendar and peers over spectacles at 
it.) Let' see — why it's only four days more. 

Mr. B. Wal, hain't that time enough? 

Mrs. B. I guess mebbe we can get things ready 
if we set right at it. We'll have to find out if they'll 
come fust. 

Mr. B. Don't worry. I guess they'll all be here 
when they find out who the cook is. 

Mrs. B. There now, don't go to flatterin' agin. 
Ye'd better get your hat an' hustle right 'round an' 
ask 'em so's to be sure. 

Mr. B. Let's count 'em up agin. {Counting on 
fingers.) There's Uncle Nate, an' Nancy Jenkins, 
an' Mrs. Si Filkins an' baby, an' Mrs. Peters, an' 
Grandpa Peters an' the three children — that's nine. 
We'll set plates for ten. 

Mrs. B. But who's the other one goin' to be, pa? 

Mr. B. I don't know yet. Mebbe Pll come across 
some one on the way. {Gets hat and starts off.) 

Mrs. B. Tell 'em all to be sure an' get here early. 

Mr. B. Yes, '^The early bird catches the worm." 

Mrs. B. 'Cause we wouldn't want any of 'em to 
be disappointed. Then when ye get back Pll have a 
list of things ready for ye to order at the store. 
{Exit Mr. B.) Wal, now, Pll go an' see what Pve 
got to have. I do hope they'll come now we've got 
our minds sot on it. {Exit.) 

Curtain. 

Scene II : Same as in previous scene, with the 
addition of extra chairs. 

Mr. and Mrs. Boggs are discovered awaiting their 
guests, 

Mrs. B. Wal, we've got things 'most ready, I 
guess. The three turkeys are roastin', the cranberry 
sass is dished out, an' the punkin pies are cut, an' 
the table is all set for ten folks, but ye hain't told 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 101 

me yet who the other one is yeVe invited. Tain't 
old Miss Gibbs, is it? 

Mr. B. I should hope not. She'd talk us to death 
'fore the dinner was half over. Ye couldn't guess in 
a week. It's Al Turner. 

Mrs. B. What! Albert Turner? Why, he's richer'n 
a Jew. 

Mr. B. Rich in some things an' poor in others. 
He's what ye might call a poor rich man. 

Mrs. B. Wal, I never! Dye think he'll come? 

Mr. B. Course he'll come. He give me his word 
that he would, an' his word's jest as good as his note. 

Mrs. B. But ye hain't never had his note yet. 

Mr. B. No, but other folks has. {Sound outside.) 
Hark! There's somebody comin' now. {A knock is 
heard. Mr. B, goes to door,) Come right in, Uncle 
Nate. 

Mrs. B. Yes, come right in, Mr. Goodman. We're 
real glad to see ye. 

Enter Mr. Goodman. 

Mr. G. An' I'm jest as glad to come. Hain't very 
often I get invited out to dinner. 

Mr. B. Wal, ye're invited this time. (Sound out- 
side.) Here's some more comin'. (Mr. B. goes to 
door.) Come right in — everybody. 

Enter Nancy Jenkins^ Mrs. Peters, Grandpa 
Peters, Tom, Henry and Jennie. 

Nancy. Wal, we've got here at last, Mis' Boggs. 
Be we early enough? 

Mrs. B. Ye've done fust-rate, Nancy — an' here's 
Mrs. Peters. Ye're lookin' well. 

Mrs. Peters. Yes, I'm feelin' pretty well. 

Mrs. B. An' Mr. Peters, too — ye're as spry as a 
cricket (shakes hands), an' the children, bless your 
little hearts. Now lay off your things. (All are busy 
taking off coats and hats.) 

Mr. B. Yes, everybody make yourselves to home. 
(All finally take seats.) 



102 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Tom. Oh, goody! I smell the turkey cooking. 

Jennie. So do I. I ain't tasted turkey in so long 
I've forgot how it tastes. 

Henry. Oh, ma, do you s'pose they'll have cran- 
berry sauce? 

Mrs. p. Sh! Keep still. Ain't ye 'shamed actin' 
so. 

Nancy. Wal, do tell. How would the dears ever 
know if they didn't ask? 

Mrs. p. Oh, say, I forgot to tell ye that Mrs. 
Filkins can't come. The baby's got the croup. 

Mrs. B. Wal, now, ain't that too bad. 

Mrs. p. She felt awful bad to think she couldn't 
come. 

Mrs. B. I'll have to do the next best thing an' 
send her over a basketful of stuff. 

Tom. We'll carry it over for you, Mrs. Boggs. 

Mrs. B. That's real nice of ye, I'm sure. (Looks 
around,) Then I guess everybody's here but Mr. 
Turner. Don't s'pose anything's happened he can't 
come? 

Mr. B. No, he'll be here ; see if he ain't. 

Nancy. What? Is Al Turner comin'? 

Mrs. p. I've a good notion to go right back home 
again. 

Mrs. B. Why, what'd ye want to do that for? 

Mrs. p. Oh, he's so rich an' stuck-up like. He 
don't notice common folks. 

Children {crying). Don't go home, ma. We ain't 
'fraid of that old crab. 

Mr. p. Hush, children! We ain't goin' home till 
we've had some of that turkey; so there. {Children 
stop crying and clap hands.) 

Mr. G. I don't b'lieve he's so crusty as folks try 
to make out. He's all right when ye get acquainted 
with him. 

Nancy. Be you acquainted with him. Uncle Nate? 

Mr. G. Course I be. Used to do considerable 
work for him, off an' on, 'fore I broke my leg. The 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 103 

trouble is you folks don't know him. I reckon he 
gets jest as lonesome as I do sometimes livin' all 
alone by himself. It'll do him all sorts of good to 
come here. {Sound outside.) 

Mr. B. That's him comin' now. {Goes to door.) 
Come in, Mr. Turner. Glad to see you. 
Enter Mr. Turner. 

Mrs. B. Yes, ye're welcome to the best we've got. 
{Shake hands, Mr. T. also shakes hands with Mr. 
G. and bows to. others.) 

Mr. T. I was very glad indeed to get the invita- 
tion to take dinner with you, and I decided at once 
to make the most of it. 

Tom. Oh, dear! I hope he won't eat the most of it. 

Mr. T. Don't worry, my boy. I didn't mean that. 
I meant that I would accept the invitation and enjoy 
myself as much as I could. You see I had been read- 
ing about a big dinner they've been getting up in the 
city, and I had about decided to give one myself, 
right here in Squashville, but you got the start of 
me. 

Mr. B. Yes, that's where I got the idee myself. 

Mrs. B. Where who got the idee, pa? 

Mr. B. Oh, I'd forgot. 'Twas you that thought 
if it fust, wan't it? 

Mr. T. Well, it's a splendid idea, whoever was 
first to think of it. I shall lay claim, however, to the 
Christmas dinner rights. I give you all an invitation 
now to a big Christmas dinner at my house on 
Christmas Day. Don't anyone refuse, please. 

Mr. G. I guess we'll all accept, won't we, folks? 

All. Yes, yes! 

Children. Oh, goody, goody! Another dinner! 

Nancy. Do tell. Here we've been neighbors so 
long an' we're jest gettin' acquainted with each other. 
Yes, we'll all go. 

Mr. T. Thank you. I hope there'll be a good 
many others there, too. 



104 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mrs. B. Wal, let's eat our Thanksgivin' dinner 
now while it's warm. We'll all be ready to eat the 
Christmas dinner when the time comes. 

Mr. B. Yes, come, everybody. {All exeunt, chil- 
dren clapping hands and shouting, ''Goody! Goody T) 

Curtain. 



TOO MANY BOSSES. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Joseph Grant, candidate for state senator, 
Mrs. Grant, his wife. 
Madge Grant, his daughter. 
Patrick McCarthy, a political boss. 
Reporter. 

Scene : A sitting room at the home of Mr. Grant. 

Mr. Grant is discovered seated at his desk writing. 
Enter Madge, R. 

Madge {with newspaper in hand). Oh, pa, here's 
the last edition of the paper and it says your election 
to the Senate is expected by about a thousand plu- 
rality. 

Mr. G. Is that so? Let me see the paper. {She 
hands paper to Mr. G., who looks at it a moment.) 

Madge. See, right there it is. {Points to article.) 

Mr. G. Humph ! Well, we're not dead sure about it 
yet. There are several districts still to be heard from. 

Madge. But everybody thinks you're just as good 
as elected anyway. 

Mr. G. I hope so, after all the work and worry it 
has cost me. 

Madge. Now we can move up into that new house 
on Pleasant Avenue, can't we? And we're going to 
have an automobile, and I can have a sealskin coat. 
You know you promised them if you were elected. 
I'm going down tomorrow and pick out the coat. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 105 

Johnson & Brown have some beautiful ones in the 
window. 

Mr. G. Well, remember that the salary of a state 
senator comes far short of making me a millionaire. 

Madge. But you know we'll have to put on more 
style and dress better than we have been doing. When 
I go dow^n the street after this I expect people will 
be saying, ''There goes Senator Grant's daughter/' and 
I would be ashamed not to be dressed as well as our 
neighbors on Pleasant Avenue. 

Mr. G. We'll talk those things over a little later, 
Madge. I am quite busy now. 

Madge. I must go and tell mamma. She'll be so 
glad to hear the news. {Exit R.) 

!Mr. G. Well, I expect that public life will have its 
trials. I fear my daughter's pride will not count 
among the least. {A knock is heard. He goes to door.) 

Enter Patrick McCarthy. 

Mr. G. Good evening, ]\Ir. McCarthy. 

Mr. McC. The same to yersilf, Senator. I've come 
to congratulate yez on yer succiss at the polls. I sup- 
pose ye've heard that ye've been elicted or nixt thing 
to it? (They shake hands.) 

Mr. G. Yes, I saw by the paper that my election 
was considered certain, but I also noted that a few 
districts had not yet sent in returns. 

Mr. McC. Yer eliction is jist as shure as the nose 
on me face. Set yer moind at rist upon that pint. 
Those districts that have not been heard from yet 
always turn in a strong majority for our party. So 
depind upon it, it will be Hon. Joseph Grant for the 
nixt two years an' maybe longer accordin' to how yez 
plaze the people — an' incidentally the boss av the ma- 
chine. (Points significantly to himself.) 

Mr. G. I sincerely hope that it will turn out as you 
say. You know the political situation much better than 
I and therefore are better able to foresee results. I 



106 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

also realize that I could never have landed it v/ithout 
your assistance, for which I feel very grateful indeed. 

Mr. McC. Yer eliction is as shure as fate, an' as 
ye say, a great dale — in fact, iverything depinded upon 
mesilf. Naturally, thin, I look for a few favors in 
return. I may have a few bills of me own that I shall 
want yez to presint to the nixt legislature. 

Mr. G. I shall be very glad to do so. 

Mr. McC. An' now there's wan other thing. 
There' bound to be another bill presinted by some- 
body, so IVe heard it said, an' it will be yer duty to 
vote for or aginst it. That bill is for the introduc- 
tion uv woman's suffrage into this state. Now as a 
favor to mesilf I'd loike to have ye vote plumb aginst 
it. Will yez promise? 

Mr. G. I very much dislike to give a definite an- 
swer before I have even heard the bill. 

Mr. McC. This much about it, if that bill passes 
it's the death blow to our party, an' 'twould be a fool- 
ish shtep for a mon to kill the party that put him into 
office. 

Mr. G. I shall think .the matter over seriously, Mr. 
McCarthy, and I hope our views will not clash in any 
way. 

Mr. McC. That sounds good. I knew yez were the 
right mon or I niver would have put yez on the ticket. 
But I must be goin'. I've got siveral other calls to 
make. Good-bye an' succiss to ye. 

Mr. G. Good-bye, Mr. McCarthy. {Exit Mr. McC, 
L.) I begin to see more trouble ahead. But what's 
the use of fretting over it. I won't cross the bridge 
until I reach it. 

Enter Mrs. Grant, R. 

Mrs. G. Madge tells me you've been elected, Joe. 

Mr. G. So the paper states and Mr. McCarthy says 
it's a sure thing, too. 

Mrs. G. I'm so glad of it. Now I shall be called 
"Mrs. Senator Grant," and I can show Mrs. Million- 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 107 

aire Vandesnoozer that I am just as big a toad in the 
puddle as she is. 

Mr. G. Of course it is going to be a great honor. 
There isn't any doubt of that, but at the same time 
there will be a lot of anxiety and worry connected 
with it. 

Mrs. G. I don't see how there can be ; in fact I 
think it will be a regular picnic. You only have to 
attend legislature a part of the year and then we can 
stop at the most fashionable hotel and mix in the very 
best society. I just know I shall enjoy it immensely. 

Mr. G. This society business you speak of is very 
expensive. You must consider that I haven't a for- 
tune to fall back upon like many of our high public 
officials. I am even in debt for part of the campaign 
expenses. 

Mrs. G. We wouldn't think of going beyond your 
salary. 

Mr. G. I shall have a good many people to please 
and besides there will be some work. It isn't all play. 

Mrs. G. Well, I shall be ready to help you when- 
ever you need it and I will be your adviser and coun- 
sellor at all times. For instance, when the woman's 
suffrage bill comes before the legislature I want you 
to vote for it. There won't be any question whatever 
about that. 

Mr. G. But Mr. McCarthy is just as determined 
that I shall vote against it. 

Mrs. G. Has he spoken to you about it already? 

Mr. G. Not ten minutes ago. 

Mrs. G. Well, let me tell you now, Mr. Grant, that 
if you do vote against that bill you will rue the day. 

Mr. G. You know, Helen, that I owe my election 
to Mr. McCarthy's influence. More than that, he says 
the passage of that bill will kill our party. 

Mrs. G. Fiddlesticks ! It won't kill the party but it 
will kill the bosses and he knows it. 

Mr. G. It looks to me as if I were between two 
fires. I can't promise either side yet. 



108 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mrs. G. Well, I want it understood that you are to 
vote in favor of that bill, no matter what Pat McCar- 
thy says. 

Enter Madge. 

Madge. Oh, pa, there's a reporter out here wants to 
have an interview with you. 

Mrs. G. My ! We're getting popular already. 

Mr. G. Tell him to come in. (Madge leaves room 
and returns immediately followed by reporter.) 

Reporter. Good evening, Mr. Grant. I called to 
see if you wished to make a statement about the re- 
sult of the election. 

Mr. G. You may say that I wish to thank my many 
friends who supported me in this campaign, and that I 
shall perform the duties of — 

Reporter. I beg pardon, Mr. Grant, but I wonder 
if you have heard the latest reports. 

Mr. G. I have heard that the result was in my 
favor with the exception of several districts not heard 
from. 

Reporter. Well, those districts have since been 
heard from, and the other candidate is elected. 

Madge. What? Isn't pa going to be senator after 
all? 

Mrs. G. Is Mr. Grant defeated? 

Reporter. Yes, defeated by two hundred and fifty 
plurality. 

Madge. Then it is all over, mother. 

Mrs. G. Yes, our air castles have all burst. 

Mr. G. And I am happy. 

Madge. Happy ? Why, father, I thought you wanted 
It. 

Mr. G. Yes, happy. {To Reporter.) You may say 
that *^Mr. Grant, while he wishes to thank his many 
friends and supporters, is nevertheless greatly pleased 
at the result of the election." I have escaped the 
tyranny of too many bosses. 

Curtain. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES, 109 



UNCLE HIRAM^S COLD. 

characters. 
Uncle Hiram Boggs. Aunt Martha Boggs. 

Elder Mason. Mrs. Mason. 

Zeb White. Miss Henson. 

Miss Putney. 

Scene: Living room at the home of Uncle Hiram. 

Aunt Martha discovered sitting in rocking chair. 

Enter Unle Hiram^ R,, carrying two wooden pails 
which he sets on floor at R. C. 

Aunt M. What in the world be ye goin' to do now, 
Hiram? 

Uncle H. Coin' to soak my feet. 

Aunt M. What d'ye want of two pails? 

Uncle H. I cardate one of them pails is a leetle 
bit too small to put both feet in real comfortable-like. 

Aunt M. I swan. If my feet was so big I couldn't 
get 'em both in one pail I'd gin up. 

Uncle H. I hain't to blame for my big feet, though 
it does come purty handy sometimes to have a good 
big understandin'. {During the conversation he takes 
off his slippers and stockings and puts one foot into 
each paiL He has frequent attacks of coughing and 
sneezing during the whole scene.) 

Aunt M. Wal, you do beat all creation for gettin' 
queer idees into yer head. Whoever heard of soakin' 
their feet in two pails? 

Uncle H. I hain't a-worryin' 'bout what anybody's 
heerd of. I'm goin' to see if I can't get rid of this 
tormented cold. It's been hangin' 'round now for sev- 
eral days an' I don't seem to be able to get the upper 
hands on't nohow. 

Aunt M. Wal, it's yer own fault. Ye shouldn't 
have gone over to Deacon Joneses in that drizzlin' 
rain as ye did. 



no HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Uncle H. Now, Martha, ye know it didn't rain 
when I started. How'd I know 'twas goin' to set in 
for sech a spell of weather? 

Aunt M. Then ye'd orter changed yer wet clothes 
when ye did get home. It pays to be kinder careful 
when there's so much pneumony 'round. It's an awful 
expensive disease to get tucked onto anyone. 

Uncle H. Ye don't s'pose I'm hankerin' for it my- 
self, do ye? That's what I'm soakin' my feet for— 
to see if I can't drive it away. 

Aunt M. Guess I'd better fix ye up a bowl of bone- 
sei tea. That's 'bout as good as anything to drive a 
cold out of the system. (Rises and goes toward R.) 

Uncle H. This water hain't none too hot, Martha. 
I wish you'd bring me a leetle more. 

Aunt M. I'll bring some right away. You sit still 
an' don't go to walkin' 'round with yer wet feet. 
(Exit R.) 

Uncle H. Hain't had a cold this winter till jist now 
an' I don't calc'late to have this any longer'n I'm 
obleeged to. 

Enter Aunt M. with tea kettle or large dipper from 
which she pours water into pails. 

Uncle H. Now go kinder careful. Keep in mind 
that my feet are in there. 

Aunt M. Hain't no danger of my forgettin' it. 
They're big enough to be seen. 

Uncle H. (jerking feet up suddenly and resting 
them on the edge of pails.) Whee! That's hot enough 
to take the hide off'n a rhinoceros. 

Aunt M. Ye'd orter spoke sooner. Now I'll go an' 
fix that boneset tea. After ye get through drinkin' 
that ye'd better go to bed an' take a good sweat. 
(Exit R. Uncle Hiram gradually gets both feet hack 
into pails.) 

Uncle H. I tell ye, Martha's a fust-class hand to 
nuss sick folks. I dunno what I'd done time I had 
that rheumatiz if it hadn't been for her. Jest let her 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. Ill 

get started to fixin' up yarbs an' medicines an' she 
beats half the doctors in the country all holler. Some- 
times she's a leetle too handy^ 'cause whenever anybody 
gets sick within forty miles of here the fust thing 
they do is to send for Martha. {Sound outside.) 
Hark! There's somebody comin' now. I swow! Here 
I be in a pretty fix. I must get out of this someway. 
(Looks about for means of escape. A knock is heard.) 

Enter Miss Henson and Miss Putney, abruptly. 

Miss H. and Miss P. (m doorway). Good evening, 
]\Irs. Boggs. 

Miss H. {Sees Uncle H. and jumps back in af- 
fright, screaming). O-o-oh, my! How you scared me, 
Mr. Boggs. 

Miss P. (disgusted). Dear me! I'm so shocked. 

Uncle H. You ladies needn't get so excited. I 
hain't doin' nothin' but soakin' my feet. 
Enter Aunt M. 

Aunt M. Land sakes ! What's the matter? I thought 
somebody was killed. Oh, it's you, ain't it, Miss Hen- 
son, an' Miss Putney, too. 

Miss H. Oh, Mrs. Boggs, we thought all the time 
it was you sitting here or we wouldn't have walked 
right in. 

Aunt M. There hain't no harm done if ye did 
come right in. Hiram's got an awful cold an' lie's 
tryin' to cure it up. (She throzi'S her apron oicr his 
lap zvhile the ladies remain.) 

Uncle H. Tryin' to draw it down into my feet. 

Aunt M. Wal, now, ye'd better lay ofif your things 
an' set down a spell. 

Miss P. We can't think of doing that, Mrs. Boggs. 
We're selling tickets for the church fair next week. 
Don't you want to buy some? 

Aunt M. It's jest as Hiram says. 

Uncle H. Of course we'll have to go in on that 
deal. How much be they? 

Miss H. Twenty-five cents apiece. 



112 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Uncle H. {Takes money from pocket and hands 
to Miss H.) Wal, here's yer money. We don't miss 
many church doin's. 

Miss H. {hands tickets). Thank you. Now we must 
be going. 

Aunt M. Don't be in a hurry. 

Uncle H. I'll try an' not scare ye out of yer wits 
next time ye come. 

Miss P. We must go. We've got a good many 
other places to call this evening. 

Miss H. I do hope you will get over your cold, 
Mr. Boggs. Better try father's remedy — mustard plas- 
ter on the outside and red pepper tea on the inside. 

Uncle H. Whee! That's a purty stiff dose. 

Miss P. And if that doesn't help try some onion 
syrup and horehound. 

Miss H. and Miss P. Well, good-bye. {Exeunt, L.) 

Uncle H. The idee of them women gettin' scared 
at my feet. 

Aunt M. No wonder when a person has to use two 
pails. Now I must go an' see how that boneset's gettin' 
along. {Exit R.) 

{Noise outside.) 

Uncle H. I declare; I believe there's somebody 
else a-comin'. 

Enter Elder Mason and. Mrs. Mason. 

Uncle H. I swow, if 'tain't the elder an' his wife. 

Elder M. We always walk right in here just as we 
do at home. {Sees Uncle H.) Why, Brother Boggs, 
what's the matter? 

Mrs. M. You're not sick, are you? 

Uncle H. Jest got a hard cold, that's all. Calc'late 
I'm goin' to fix it now, though. 

Elder M. That's a pretty good remedy. My wife 
always prescribes it for me, but I never tried but one 
pail. 

Enter Aunt M. with bowl. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 113 

Aunt M. Here's yer boneset tea. {Sees Mr. and 
Mrs. M.) Why, Elder Mason and Mrs. Mason! I 
didn't hear ye come. Do sit down and stay a spell. 

Elder M. No, we can't possibly. We're on our way 
to Brother Miles'. 

Mrs. M. Thought we'd stop in an' see if you 
couldn't go with us, but I see it is impossible. 

Aunt. M. We'd like to awfully well, but Hiram's 
got sech a cold I don't believe we'd better. Won't 
ye sit down for jest a f.ew minutes? 

Elder M. Not tonight. We'll be over some other 
time. Now, Brother Boggs, you'd better try my rem- 
edy — a teaspoonful of goose oil every half hour. I'll 
send some over. 

Uncle H. Don't put yerself to all that trouble, 
Elder. 

Elder M. No trouble at all. Hope you will get 
better soon. Good-bye. (Mr. and Mrs. M. exeunt.) 

Uncle H. {drinking from boivl and making wry 
face.) Purty strong, hain't it? 

Aunt M. I made it jest the same as I allers do. 

Uncle H. Mebbe I was thinkin' 'bout that pepper 
tea an' goose oil. Wonder how many more callers 
we're goin' to have tonight. {Sound outside.) I de- 
clare if there hain't someone else comin' now, b'gosh. 
(A knock.) 

Enter Zeb White, L. 

Zeb. Hello, Hi! Some ladies was jest over to my 
house an' said as how you was sick — didn't know but 
ye was goin 'to have pneumony. So, thinks I, I'd orter 
hustle right over with my Jamaica ginger bottle. 
Hain't nothin' that'll knock out a cold quicker'n Ja- 
maica ginger. 

Uncle H. I hain't got quite so bad as that yet, I 
guess, but Tm much obleeged to ye jest the same. 

Zeb. That's all right. Bring the bottle back when 
ye get through with it. {Sees pails.) Ho! ho! Have 
to use two pails? That's worse'n me. I use the wash 
tub. Wal, I must go back home. Good-bye. {Exit L.) 



114 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Uncle H. Say, Martha, I'm goin' to go into the 
kitchen an' finish this business 'fore the hull town gets 
here. If anybody else comes tell 'em I'm goin' to bed. 
An' for pity's sake tell 'em we don't want to hear of 
any more cold medicines. {He proceeds toward R, 
by lifting each pail alternately and setting it forward. 
Aunt M. follows with bowl.) 

Aunt. M. Wal, if that hain't the queerest way of 
walkin' I ever see in my born days. 



UNCLE JONAS' WHISKERS. 

characters. 
Uncle Jonas. Aunt Betsy. 

Charles '\ 
Bert >- Nephews, 
Henry ) 
Uncle Jonas wears long , white whiskers made of 
crepe hair and fastened to face with spirit gum or 
adhesive plaster^. During the operation of ''shaving" 
the hair is loosened. 
Scene : A sitting room. 
Uncle Jonas is discovered seated. 

Enter Charles, Bert and Henry. 
Boys. Hello ! Uncle Jonas ! 
Jonas. What's the rumpus now, boys? 
Charles. Pa sent us over to see if you wanted us 
to help cut that grain. 

Jonas. No, I ain't goin' to cut it this afternoon. 
It's most too wet. I've got something else for ye to 
cut, though, that don't depend on the weather. 
Bert. What is it. Uncle Jonas? Stove wood? 
Jonas. No, it's a leetle bit in the barber line. 
Henry. Oh, you want your hair cut. Well, Bert's 
the best hand at that. 

Jonas. That ain't it. I'm figurin' on havin' my 
whiskers cut oflf. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 115 

Charles. What? You don't mean it, Uncle? 

Jonas. Yes, I do. I ain't had 'em cut clean off be- 
fore in forty years, but I'm goin' to have it done now. 

Henry. What will Aunt Betsy say to it? 

Jonas. She ain't to home. She's gone down to Mis' 
Dusenberry's this afternoon an' I count on s'prisin' 
her when she gets back. 

Bert. Gee ! She'll be surprised all right. 

Jonas. Ye see it's jist like this. I promised Bige 
Slocum if ever he found anybody foolish enough to 
marry him I'd have my whiskers cut off slick an' 
clean, an' now he's done it I'm goin' to keep my word. 
{Substitute any local hit if desired, as, for instance, 

''If ever got elected of this 

town/') 

BoYS. Ho! ho! That's the reason, is it? 

Charles. What'U we do for a razor? 

Jonas. I've got a razor an' everything ready. I'll 
bring 'em in here. (Leaves room and returns with 
immense wooden razor, strop, mug with water, brush, 
etc.) Here they be. Now you can get to work as quick 
as you're a mind to. {Boys pick up razor and begin 
to laugh as they examine it.) 

Bert. \Vhat do you call this. Uncle Jonas. 

Jonas. That's an awful old-fashioned razor, but it's 
got mighty good stuff in it. It's one your great-grand- 
father used to have. I don't s'pose ye ever saw any- 
thing like it, did ye ? 

Henry. No; why it's big enough to shave an ele- 
phant. 

Jonas. Wal, I guess ye'd better set to work, boys, 
so's to get all done 'fore Betsy gets home. {He sits 
in chair.) 

Charles. All right, we'll begin work at once. 
{Business of stropping razor, making lather, lathering 
face, etc., follows.) 

Bert {with razor). Let's do all of one side first 
and then we'll do the other. 



116 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Henry. I'll bet it's going to be an awful tough job. 

Charles. Say, hadn't we better do it on shares? 
Tve read that hair is worth a lot of money, sometimes 
as much as ten dollars. 

Bert. I'll bet there's enough here to make some 
woman a good-sized switch. 

Jonas. You needn't go to figurin' on sellin' it. I'm 
goin' to give it to Betsy for a keepsake. 

Bert. Gee whilikins ! This is the toughest job I've 
struck in a good while. Worse'n cutting down under- 
brush. 

Charles. Say, Uncle Jonas, what do you use for 
fertiHzer to make your whiskers grow so well? 

Jonas. Hey ? 

Charles. What do you do to make 'em grow? 

Jonas. Wal, sir, I've found that three hearty meals 
of good plain victuals every day an' six days of hard 
work in a week is about as good tonic for the hair 
or whiskers as anything I can find. If you don't 
believe it jest try it an' see. 

Bert. There! That side's all done. (Boys s-tand 
about examining their work.) Isn't it slick? 

Charles (handing Jonas a mirror from table,) 
Look, Uncle, and see what you think of it. 

Jonas. Fust-rate. Just about as good as a barber 
could do it. 

Bert. Now let's do the other side. (They strop the 
razor and lather the face as before. Just as they get 
started someone outside calls, ''Fire! Fire ") 

Henry. Hark, boys! What's that? 

A Voice (outside calls) ''John Burke's barn is on 
fire!" 

Bert. John Burke's barn is on fire. 

Jonas (jumping up). What's that? John Burke's 
barn? 

Charles. Yes, and we'll have to go, Uncle, but 
we'll come back and finish our job soon's we can. 
(Boys rush out.) 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 117 

Jonas. Wal, I declare. Here I be in a pretty scrape, 
with one side of my face shaved clean as a whistle an' 
t'other side w^ith whiskers a foot long. I can't go to 
the fire like this, an' I can't shave the other side of 
my face 'cause my hand gets to shakin' so whenever 
I try to do anything of that kind. Betsy's jest as liable 
to pop in any time, too. {Sound of footsteps outside.) 
I swan, that's her now. What'U I do? (Steps behind 
screen or drapery or off stage,) 

Enter Aunt Betsy. 

Aunt B. Jonas! Jonas! Where be ye? 

Jonas. What d'ye want, Betsy? 

Betsy. Don't you know that John Burke's barn is 
all afire? They want everybody they can get to go 
an' help put it out. 

Jonas. Why don't ye go, then? 

Betsy. Me go? I ain't a man. Mr. Dusenberry's 
gone an' all the other men. They sent me over to tell 
you. 

Jonas. Wal, let 'em go. I can't go jest now. 

Betsy. What ails ye? Are ye sick? 

Jonas. N-no, but circumstances are sech that I 
can't leave the house. 

Betsy. Do come out an' let's see what's the matter. 
What be ye hidin' in there for? (Uncle Jonas 
emerges from concealment and faces Aunt Betsy.) 
My land! What a lookin' critter you are. What ails 
your whiskers? 

Jonas. Wal," ye know that wager I made wnth Bige 
Slocum 'bout his gettin' married? I didn't calc'late 
that he'd ever be able to find anybody to have him, 
but he did, an' 'twouldn't be honorable for me not to 
do jest as I agreed. So when the boys came over today 
I set 'em at it. 

B^TSY. For my part, I think it's jest as honorable 
to back out of payin' a bet as 'tis to make one. 
But if I was goin' to have 'em cut at all I'd have all 
done to once. Are ye doin' it on the installment plan ? 



118 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Jonas. No, but someone hollered ''Fire!" an' the 
boys had to leave 'fore 'twas finished. 

Betsy. Wal, you ain't goin' to stay to home an' 
let that barn burn down. 'Tain't right. You've got to 
go, whiskers or no whiskers. 

Jonas. You don't expect me to go lookin' like this, 
do ye? 

Betsy. Wal, you wait an' I'll fix 'em. {Gets shears 
and cuts them off close to face.) There! They don't 
look quite so bad. Now hustle an' don't ever make any 
more such outlandish wagers again. (Jonas hurries 
off stage,) 

Curtain. 



WHAT BECAME OF THE FALSE TEETH. 

characters. 

Mr. Jenkins. Mrs. Jenkins. 

Dr. Flint. Aunt Mandy. 

Scene : A sitting room. 

Mrs. Jenkins discovered seated. 

Enter Mr. Jenkins, excited. 

Mr. J. Haven't seen anything of my false teeth, 
have you, Laura? 

Mrs. J. Goodness, no, I have enough to do to take 
care of my own. Why, have you lost yours? 

Mr. J. I've been looking all over and I can't find 
them. I — I think maybe I've swallowed them. 

Mrs. J. Mercy sakes! You don't really think so, 
do you? You're joking. 

Mr. J. No, I actually begin to think so. I've got a 
pain in my stomach and it keeps getting worse and 
worse all the time. 

Mrs. J. It doesn't seem possible that you could 
swallow your false teeth. Where did you have them 
last ? 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 119 

Mr. J. That's just what puzzles me. I can't re- 
member whether I took them out just after breakfast 
or not, and if I did take them out, I can't think for 
the hfe of me where I put them. 

Mrs. J. ^Have you looked on the table in the dining 
room? 

Mr. J. Yes. 

Mrs. J. And on the sideboard? 

Mr. J. Yes, I'm sure they're not there. 

Mrs. J. Possibly they dropped on the floor. 

Mr. J. They're not there, either. I got down on 
all fours and examined it thoroughly. 

Mrs. J. Have you looked through all your pockets ? 

Mr. J. Yes, I've looked through every pocket and 
there's not a sign of a tooth. I'm sure now that I 
didn't take them out of my mouth, so I must have 
swallowed them. {Groans.) 

Mrs. J. Well, I'll send Aunt Mandy right over for 
the doctor. I'm glad he lives next door. {Goes to door 
and calls.) Aunt Mandy! 

Aunt M. {entering). Did yo' done call me, Mis' 
Jones ? 

Mrs. J. Yes, Aunt Mandy, run over and tell Dr. 
Flint to come over at once. Mr. Jones is very sick. 

Aunt M. Lord a-Massy, I gwine git de doctor- 
man ober here in de jerk of a lamb's tail. {Hurries 
out.) 

Mr. J. {groaning) . I can feel them working around 
in there now. 

Mrs. J. Lucky you didn't have only one set to 
swallow. They might have bitten through. 

Mr. J. {groaning). If you felt as bad as I do you 

wouldn't be trying to crack jokes. It grows worse 

every minute. 

Enter Dr. Flint. 

Dr. F. Hello, what's the matter here? 
Mr. J. I have such a pain in my stomach. {Groans.) 
Dr. F. What's the trouble? Been eating something- 
you hadn't ought to? 



120 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Mrs. J. ' Oh, doctor, he thinks he's swallowed his 
false teeth. 

Dr. F. He thinks so? Well, great Csesar! Don't he 
know it? Anyone ought to know whether they've 
swallowed a set of molars or not. 

Mrs. J. But, you see, he's got into the habit of eat- 
ing so fast and not chewing his food well, that I 
don't suppose he would notice it if he did swallow 
them. 

Dr. F. Well, anyone that makes a practice of swal- 
lowing chunks of food as big as a set of false teeth 
must have a stomach made of boiler iron. 

Mr. J. {groaning). But what shall I do about it? 
I can't stand this much longer? 

Dr. F. {to Mrs. J.) Bring me a quart of warm 
water and some mustard and I think we can bring 
them to light again. (Mrs. J. hurries off stage.) I'll 
see if there are any complicating symptoms. {Feels 
pulse.) Pulse is a trifle fast. Let me see your tongue. 
(Mr. J. shows tongue.) 

Enter Mrs. J. with water and mustard seed, 

Mrs. J. Is there enough, doctor? 

Dr. F. Yes, that will do? {Pours large quantity of 
''mtistard'' into bowl and after stirring it well, hands 
it to Mr, J.) Here, drink this quick. (Mr. J. pre- 
tends to drink. Groans frequently.) In fifteen min- 
utes take another dose. I'll be over again in half an 
hour and see how things are going. {Starts toward 
door.) 

Enter Aunt Mandy, hurriedly. 

Aunt M. I reckon I'se done foun' somefin' mebbe 
yo' folkses '11 be mighty int'rested in. 

Mrs. J. Well, what is it, Aunt Mandy? 

Aunt M. Yo' know dat ol' Fido dog w'at b'long to 
Mistah Benson? Well, I jes' kotched him stealin' 
somefin' out ob de garbage can whar de table leavin's 
was emptied, an' w'en I done hit him wid a chunk 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 121 

ob stove wood, dis yere is wat he done dropped. {She 
holds up largest set of false teeth that can be found.) 

Dr, F. {laughing heartily). Ho! ho! ho! It's my 
opinion you'll begin to improve right away, but take 
the advice of a physician and after this chew your 
food fine enough so you \yill know whether you swal- 
low your chewing apparatus or not. 

Aunt M. Fo' de Ian' sake! Dat beats anyting I 
eber heerd ob. My ol' man done swallered a silber 
dollar one time, but he ain't nebber got so fur as to 
swaller his false teef. 

Mrs. J. I do hope it will teach you a lesson, John, 
not to eat in such double-quick time. 

Mr. J. I feel a hundred per cent better already. 
That mustard seemed to do the business. 

Curtain. 



WHY THE MISSION FAILED. 

CHARACTERS. 

Joshua Binks, storekeeper at the Corners. 
Henry Biggs ) ^, , ,. 
Lem Fletcher J Old-timers. 

Al. Tupper ] ,^ 

John Minor } lounger men. 

Mrs. Wiggins ^ 

Mrs. Greene >■ Committee of the Anti-Gossip 

Mrs. Hascon ) Society. 

Scene: Front of Joshua Binks' grocery store. 

Joshua is discovered standing in doorzvay. Henry, 
Lem, Al. and John are seated on boxes, nail kegs, etc. 

Al. Been much of anything going on around the 
Corners today, Josh? 

Josh. Wal, we had a boss trade for one thing. 
Al. Did, eh? Who's been trading today? 



\ 



122 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Josh. Zeb White an' Myron Hanson. Zeb swapped 
off that old white nag of his'n an' got forty dollars to 
boot. 

John. Whew! You don't say. I'll bet Myron'll be 
sick' of his bargain after he's drove it a couple of 
times. 

Josh. Mebbe his gal Lucy can use it to take her 
an' her man on their weddin' trip next month. 

Lem. What weddin' trip's that, Josh? 

Josh. Why, hain't you heerd how she's goin' to be 
married to that feller from Boston? Let's see — it's 
three weeks from tomorrer. 

Lem. Wal, that's news to me, though I guess every- 
body's expected 'twould happen 'fore long. 

Henry. That won't be the only weddin' in the 
course of a few weeks, either. 

Al. Why, who else is going to jump off, Henry? 

Henry. I heard today that Sam Ferguson an' Miss 
Ketchum had the day already set. 

John. Are you sure about that, Henry? 

Henry. I got it pretty middlin' straight. You know 
Peleg Wright's gal works up to the Fergusons on Sat- 
urdays. Wal, t'other day she heard 'em talkin' about 
it, an' course she allers tells Mis' Dolby everything 
she hears. That was too much of a secret for Mis' 
Dolby to keep, so she told Mis' Smithers an' Mis' 
Smithers told Aunt Martha Boggs an' Aunt Martha 
told my wife, an' there you are. 

Josh. Gosh! That's as straight as the rows in 
Uncle Hiram's tater patch. 

Lem. Wal, I heard some news today that caps the 
climax. 

Al. What's that, Lem? 

Lem. They say that old Squire Baker's goin' to 
foreclose the mortgage on Dan Brooks' farm. 

John. You don't say. 

Lem. An' Dan's goin' to have an auction 'fore long 
an' sell off everything he's got. 

Al. What's he going to do then? 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 123 

Lem. Talkin' of goin' West where his brother lives. 

Josh. I guess we'll all be sorry to lose Dan. He's 
an all-fired good neighbor. 

Henry. It does beat all what a lot of changes 
there's been right around this neighborhood in the 
past year. 

Al. That's so, and if anyone wants to hear what 
is going on just as soon as it's happened they can 
always do it right down here to Josh's store. 

Lem. My wife allers says she hears more news 
when I get home than she could read in a half a 
dozen newspapers. 

Henry. It's my opinion the men can't hold a candle 
to the women when it comes to spreadin' news. 

Josh. You're jest right, Henry. The women's so- 
ciety would take first prize. 

John. That was before they started the Anti-Gos- 
sip Society. 

Josh. Wal, 'twixt you an' me, they hain't improved 
much of any to speak of since. 

Al. Talk about the evil ones and they're always 
sure to be around. Here's a lot of women coming 
now. {All look up the road, R.) 

Henry. Wonder what's goin' on. I hain't heard of 
any socials or funerals. 

Lem. Most likely they're comin' after bargains. 
Better trot out your cheap calicer an' gingham aprons, 
Josh. 

Enter Mrs. W., Mrs. G. and Mrs. H. R. 

Josh. Good evenin', ladies. Something I can do for 
you? 

Mrs. W. No, we're not out to trade, Mr. Binks. 

Josh. Oh, I see. You're out for a leetle stroll. 
Mighty nice evenin' for it. 

Mrs. W. We're not out for pleasure either. You 
see the reason we're here is — maybe you'd better tell 
them, Mrs. Greene. 

Mrs. G. Well, then, we're members of the Anti- 
Gossip Society. 



I 






124 HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. 

Men. O-o-oh! {All appear interested.) 

Mrs. G. And we have been appointed as a delega- 
tion to wait upon you men. 

Josh. That's something new, hain't it? Women gen- 
erally want the men to wait on them. 

Mrs. W. Well, this is different. There's no use 
beating about the bush. We'll speak plainly. We've 
been sent here for the purpose of trying to break up 
these nightly gatherings at which you men come just 
on purpose to sit and gossip. 

Al. I think you're mistaken, Mrs. Wiggins. Your 
society has been misinformed. 

Mrs. W. Not a bit of it. It has become a well- 
known fact, throughout the whole community, hasn't 
it, ladies? 

Ladies. Yes, yes, it has. 

Mrs. W. And so you see we are determined to put 
a stop to it. 

Henry. Wal, Mrs. Wiggins, I'm afraid you'll have 
an awful hard job doin' it — about as hard a job as I 
had to stop my wife from buyin' that ten-dollar hat 
down in Miss Johnson's window. 'Twas a total failure. 

Mrs. H. What? you don't mean to say your wife 
has bought that hat? 

Henry. That's about the size on't — couldn't stop 
her no way. 

Mrs. H. Oh, dear, that was just the hat I was 
going to buy. Now what shall I do ? 

Henry. Heard my vv^ife say that Miss Ketchum 
was buyin' a hat the same day. I s'pose likely it's 
to wear on her weddin' trip. I hear they're goin' to 
spend their honeymoon in Canada. 

Mrs. W. Wedding trip ? Honeymoon ? Miss Ketch- 
um going to be married? I am surprised. 

Mrs. G. Really, I never thought they'd ever come 
to the point of marrying one another. 

Mrs. H. Well, I must say I don't think Mary 
Ketchum will better herself any by taking Sam Fer- 
guson. She might better stay single. 



HUMOROUS HOMESPUN DIALOGUES. US 

Mrs. W. They do say he misused his first wife 
dreadfully. {During the conversation the men slip 
away one by one. Josh goes into the store at rear 
and the others at R.) 

Mrs. G. It does seem a pity she can't have a real 
good man. She's waited long enough to get one. 

Mrs. W. Now I come to think of it, Til bet that 
was her dress Miss Brown was making last week. She 
didn't seem to want to tell, but I'm going to ask her 
tomorrow point blank. 

Mrs. H. There's always some excitement — some- 
thing to talk about — if we didn't belong to the Anti- 
Gossip Society. 

Mrs. W. {noticing absence of men). Why, of all 
things ! Look here, ladies. Those men have all skipped 
out while we were — while our attention was called 
away. {Ladies appear surprised.) 

Mrs. H. The idea! Now we'll have to report that 
our mission was a failure. 

Mrs. W. But what shall we give as the reason? 

Mrs. G. We'd better own up to the truth, and say 
that we fell into their trap — that we are just as big 
gossips as they are. 

Curtain. 




Good Things for Thanksgiving 

By MARIE IRISH. 

As long as the years shall roll around, bring-- 
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there will be a demand for material for Thanks- 
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CONTENTS. 



At Thanksgiving Time. 

Be Contented With Your Lot. 

Begone, Dull Care. 

Be Thankful. 

A Cheerful Caller. 

The City Maid's Poem. 

Columbia's Thanksgiving". 

Count Your Blessings. 

Dolly's Blessings. 

Dolly's Lesson. 

The Dreamer. 

Early Plymouth Days. 

Gather Autumn Treasures. 

Giving Thanks. 

The Golden Corn. 

Grandma's Soliloquy. 

Here's to Thanksgiving. 

In November. 

Jack Frost. 

Little Housekeepers. 

Lost in the Woods. 

Make-Believe Puritans. 

Miss Hepsy's Blessings. 

Mr. Turkey. 

November. 

November Can't Be Beat. 

November Is Here. 

November Sighing. 

The Old -Fashioned Cooking. 

One Thing I'm Thankful For. 

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A Pennant Drill. 
The Pilgrim Fathers. 
The Proud Turkeys. 
The Pumpkin. 
The Pumpkin Heads. 
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A Sad Discussion. 
A Sensible Boy. 
Some Noted Ps. 
The Story of the Pilgrims. 
Thanksgiving. 
Thanksgiving Day. 
Thanksgiving Hymn. 
Thanksgiving Wishes. 
A Thankful Boy. 
Thankful for the Flag. 
There Have Always Been Bless- 
ings. 
The Thompson's Turkey. 
Too Much Turkey. 
A Turkey Song. 
Ungrateful Children. 
A Welcome. 
What Mama Said. 
Why Be Thankful. 
Why We Should Be Thankful. 
Ye First Thanksgiving. 
Your Blessings. 

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MONOLOGUES By mayme riddle bitney. 

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Patriotic Celebrations 

By MARIE IRISH. 

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This Number Contains **THB FATHER OP HIS COUNTRY/' a Patriotic Flap* 

CONTENTS OF NO. i. POSTPAID, 25 CENTS. 

Allow for the Crawl (Humorous Poem). 

Art Thou Living Yet? (Poem.) 

At My Mother's Grave (Pathos). 

Aunt liindly (Fine Pathos). 

Average Modern Traveler, The. 

Babies, The (Humorous). 

Baron Grimalkin's Death (Parody). 

Battle of Beal An' Duine. 

Birthday Gifts. 

Broken Home (Pathetic). 

Bridge, The. 

Common Sense. 

Day Break. 

Deacon's Call (Fine Poem), 

De Pen an' de Sword (Funny). 

Domestic Tempest. 

Doom of Claudius and Cynthia (Fine). 

Dream of Eugene Aram (Famous Poem). 

Drunkard, The (Poem). 

Ego and Echo (Comic Poem). 

Evening at the Farm (Poem). 

Expensive Chicken, An. 

Extreme Unction. 

Faces in the Fire (Fine Poem) 

Faithful Little Wife. 

Father of His Country (A Play). 

Fritz's Troubles. 

God's Time. 

Gentility. 

Ghost of Abel Low (Humorous). 

Grey Port Legend (1797). 

Horseradish (Comic). 

How Llaband I Parted. 

How Mr. Coffin Spelled It (Comic). 

How to Go to Sleep f Comic). 

Interview, School Directors and Janitor. 

In School Days (Fine Poem). 

I See the Point. 

Keenan's Charge. 

Keep the Mill A-Going (Poem) 



Launch of the Ship. 

Life Boat Is a Gallant Bark. 

Little Folks (Thanksgiving Poem). 

Mark Twain and Interviewer (Humor) 

Medley— Mary's Little Lamb. 

Modern Loyalty (Satiric Poem). 

Money Musk (Humorous Poem). 

Mr. Sprechelheimer's Mistake (Dialect), 

Mrs. Potts' Dissipated Husband (Comic). 

News Boy's Debt (Pathetic Poem). 

New Year's Chime. 

Night Picture. 

Nothing (Poem). 

Old Grimes's Hen (Funny). 

Old Man in the Palace Car. 

Old Schoolmaster, 

Our First Commander (Patriotic). 

Passing Away^ 

Pat's Letter (Comic). 

Penitent, A. 

Professor in Shafts (Humorous.) 

Poetical Patch-quilt. 

Rum's Ruin (Temperance Poem). 

Resisting Mother's Love (Fine PatbOfi) 

Revolutionary Rising. 

Sockery Setting a Hen (Comic). 

Song of the Chimney (Comic). 

Silent Tower of Bottreaux. 

Spring (Poem). 

Superfluous Man. 

To Memory of Brigham Young. 

TwcK^hristmas Eves (Fine Poem). 

Two Roads, The (Fine Poem). 

True Life 

Untlnished Still. 

Water That Has Passed 

Weaving the Web (Fine Poem). 

What Is It to Me ? 

What Is Life? 

Words and Their Uses (Humorous). 



OCT 6 J918 



Deniso7i s Descriptive List. 



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RECITATION SERIES, 
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Address Before the New 
York Historical Society. 

Agnostic, The. 

As the Twig Is Bent. 

Bachelor's Soliloquy.- 

BeatitudesinBroad Scotch 

"Backs." 

Composition Day. 

Coronation. The. 

Dawn of Peace. 

Death of Garcia. 

Dem Schickens. 

Dog's Cold Nose. 

Don't Hesitate. 

Dutchman' s EqualRights, 

Early Rising. 

Eastertide. 

English Language. 

Expansion. 

Foraging or Stealing I 

George Washington's 
"Bufday." 

Gimlet vs. Corkscrew. 

Grant. 

Hard Earned Wages. 

Hereafter. 

Her Shpacial-i-ty. 



His Limitation. 

Holiday Gobbler's Address 

Immortality. 

International Race. 

Invincibles, The. 

Is Little Bob Tucked in? 

King's Repentance, A. 

KittenThatNeverGrewOld 

Lady Yeardley's Guest. 

Lariat Jim. 

Last Summons. 

Little Quaker Sinner. 

Lost on the Shore. 

Loyal to a Trust. 

Lyric Seer. 

Making a Man of the Boy. 

Making an Orator. 

Master'sPen— AConfessi'n 

Message to Garcia. 

Mourning Veil. 

Mr. Dooly Defines a Poet. 

My Ma, She Knows. 

Name of Old Glory . 

Nansen. 

'Nough for Me. 

"Old Glory" at Pekin. 

One of His Names. 



Only a Little Chinese Talk. 

Opportunity. 

Pete Ivory's Ordeal. 

Philosophy of Progress. 

Platonic. 

Predestination. 

Pussy's Class. 

Road to Wrinkle Town. 

Shopping. 

Small Boy's Questions. 

Sound Money. 

Strategy of Dave. 

Summer Idyl. 

Toast— To the Ladies. 

Travel in England. 

Uncle Nate's Funeral. 

Use and Abuse of Property. 

We'd All LiketoStopThere. 

What's in a Name? 

When My Mother Tucked 

Me In. 
When Not to Keep Books. 
When the Circuit Rider 

Came. 
When the Cork Goes Down. 
Widder Doodle. 
Write It. 



CONTENTS OF No. 14. PRICE, POSTPAID, 25 CENTS. 

ExceHent monologues in this number. 

' No class of books are more in demand than those containing pieces to 
best in this class are 'Scrap-Book Recitations. "'^ — School 



speak. Among the 
Journal, N. Y. 

A i Tank So. 

All. 

Answer to Burgundy. 

Ballad of the Everlasting 

Amateur. 
Beautiful Legacy. 
Book of Life. 
Borrowing a Pie. 
Breaking the News. 
Bridget's Latest. 
Buying a Hat. 
Calling the Boy to Tea. 
Candor. ^"^-^ 

Cash Account. 
Christmas Poem. 
"Crossing the Bar." 
Dairy Maid's Song. 
Dead Soldier. 
Don't Use Big Words. 
Duty of America toGreece. 
Encoura gem en t . 
Es I Sets Befo' De Fiah. 
Family Difference. 
Famous Eulogy on a Dog. 
First Easter. 
Folly of Telling Lies. 
Force of Habit. 
Ganges. 

"Good-Bye,GodBPssYou." 
Good Citizenship, 
How Did You Die? 



He Wears the Button on 
His Coat. 

How She Got Father's Con- 
sent. 

Hvmns as Mother Use 'Ter 
Sing. 

If I Durst. 

If I Should Die To-night. 

If She Had-Lived. 

Jane Jones . 

Jim Haley's Conversion. 

Kiss Me, Sweetheart. 

Last Grand Army Man. 

Life Lesson. 

Little Boy Blue. 

Man Without a Country. 

MqJKinley. 

Memorial Address. 

Memorial Day. 

Message of the New Year. 

Mildred's Conscience. 

Mississippi. 

Modern Woman's Ideas. 

Moral Reform the Hope of 
the Age. 

Mornin', Papa. 

Mother Believed in Him 
Long Ago. 

Motherlook. 

Mrs. Murphy's Grief. 

My Ain Fireside. 



My Father Was a Soldier. 

New Year. 

O'er Bethlehem. 

Oratory. 

Ought - To - Beography of 
Patrick O'Flaherty. 

Oyouchisan. 

Palace of the King. 

Patriotism of Peace. 

Pat's Domain and Mine. 

Personals (Monologue.) 

Printers and Mind Readers. 

Rodney's Ride. 

Roll Call, 

Roll of Honor, 

"Skinflint Mose.'* 

Song of Degrees. 

Take Your Choice. 

They Reaped What They 
Sowed. 

Things That We Never 
Have Done. 

Three Words of Strength. 

Thy Will Be Done. 

Tommy's Troubles. 

True Patriotism Is Unsel- 
fish. 

We Speak to Men. 

"Who Killed Joe's Baby?' 

Wood Ticks. 

Would It Be Too Late? 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. 



Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 

30 min 6 10 

Great Doughnut Corporation, 

30 min 3 5 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min. ..12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 3 

Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 

I'm Not Megilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min. ... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

^i ~>ther Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

^Irs. Carver's Fancy Ball, 40 m. 4 3 
Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 

min 3 2 

My Lord in Livery, 1 hr 4 3 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min... 3 3 

My Turn Next, 45 min 4 3 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 

Only Celd Tea, 20 min 3 3 

Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min. 3 2 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min... 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min.. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Rough Diamond, 40 min 4 3 

Second Childhood, 15 min 2 2 

Slasher and Crasher, 50 min... 5 2 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min.. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min, 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Treasure from Egypt, 45 min. 4 1 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m.. 4 

Two Bonnycastles, 45 min 3 3 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 8 

Two of a Kind. 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wantec a Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Which Will He Marry? 20 min. 2 8 

Who Is Who ? 40 min 3 2 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 



1 1 
1 

1 1 

2 1 
4 3 
4 

3 2 
1 

4 2 
1 1 
1 1 



1 

2 

2 2 
6 

9 

4 2 
1 
2 

2 1 



1 

5 2 
5 1 



A threat number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison*s Catalogue. 



VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIA! '4YS. j 



Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min . 
Booster Club of Blackville, 2. 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 

Cold Finish, 15 mm 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 niin 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 

Five IMinutes from Yell College, 

15 min 

For Reform, 20 min 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min... 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. . 
Handy Andy CNegro), 12 min.. 

Her Hero, 7 ^ min 

Hey, Rube I 15 min 

Home Run, 15 min 

Hot Air, 25 min 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 

Love and Lather, 35 min 

^Marriage and After, 10 min... 
Mischievous Nigger, 25 min... 

^Mistaken ]\Iiss, 20 min 

Mr. and ]Mrs. Fido, 20 min.... 
]\Ir. Badger's Cappers, 40 min.. 
One Sv/eetheart for Two, 20 m. 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 

Pete Yansen's Curl's Moder, 10 

min 

ir'ickles for Two, 15 min 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 
Prof. Black's Funn3'graph, 15 m. 

Recruiting Office, 15 min 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 

Si and I, 15 min 

Special Sale, 1 5 min 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min... 
Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min... 

T^'me Table, 20 min 

T-anp and the Actress, 20 min. 
1 '-cabled b}-^ Ghosts, 10 min... 
Troubles of Rozinski,' 15 min.. 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min... 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min 

Ur-^e Bill at the Vaudeville, 15 

!nin 

Un^Ie Jeff, 25 min 

Who Gits de Reward? 30 min.. 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 134 W. Randolph ^U Chicago 



Lig-Frce® Type 1 
Ph 8.5, Buffered 



POPULAR ENTERTAir 



f' 



Price* lUustratr.d Paper Cove 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS • 



028 940 914 2 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching: 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Ripely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er desi£rn. 



DIALOGUES 

All Sfvrts of Dialoitues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

New, clever; for young: people^ 
Children's Comic Dialoiiues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 

The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues.dialogues. 

Dialect Readini{s. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 

The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 

The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 
For pupils of all ages. 

Humorous Monologues. 
Particularly for ladies. 

Monologues for Youn^! Folks. 
Clever, humorous, original. 

The Patriotic Speaker. 

Master thoughts of masterminds. 

The Poetical Entertainer. 
For reading or speaking. 

Pomes ov the Peepul. 

Wit, humor, satire; funny poems. 

Scrap-Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, poe- 
try. 14 Nos., per No. 25c. 



DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Dulls that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches.. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Plans, invitations, decorations, 

games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
The Little Folks, or Work and Play. 

A gem of a book. 
Little Folks' Budfiet. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readinjis. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Finders and Swaylnf 

Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainmf>nts 

A choice Christmas collection. 

HAND BOOKS 

The Debater's Handbook. 

Bound only in cloth, 50c.. 
Everybody's Letter Writer. 

A handy manual. 
Good Manners. 

Etiquette in brief form. 
Private Theatricals. 

How lo put on plays. 
Social Card Games. 

Complete in brief form. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches.etc. 
Lautihland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Ne^ro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

i Larfie Illustrated Catalogue Free. 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. Publishers, 134 W. Randolph St.» Chicaiio 



Coiiservati(Mi Resources 
Lig-Free® Type I 
Ph 8.5, Buffered 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



ill 

028 940 914 2 # 



